We had a tough MC session today. I left exhausted and teary. H said he felt like it was the first session we've had where we've done real work (yes, it was scary to me that he sounded like Forrest G). He felt good about it. But also, H states he still doesn't see much hope for us.
C kept pushing me to identify how I would know/what signs I would expect to see when H is able to get back on track with me. I have my original list in my journal from my first read of DR, but felt like I just couldn't "tip my hand". There was something inside me screaming to not let H know what signs I was looking for/hoping for. If H is so convinced M can't work and I lay out the signs I am watching for.....won't he make sure those exact things don't happen?? OK, maybe not, but can I risk it?
I did say that I felt that if things were getting better, then H would want to spend more time with me. I explained that when the kids are in bed and we have time together he will quickly volunteer to run to get some groceries or go work on something in another room. H said that is the exact answer he had for the same question. He would know things were improving if he actually wanted to be alone with me more. So, I don't follow him around, I don't ask him to do things with me, I try to stay busy, etc. I can see that he is less stressed and home more because of these things, but he still rarely is in the same room with me. I know how he feels about me right now, but it sure does feel like he's ripping my heart out to hear him say it out loud to a third party.
So.. there is some hope.. even though it is not much?
He said it. He's still here. I have to believe that is something.
We had an argument yesterday, our first one since all of this blew up. We've been walking on glass around each other the past few months and we actually had an honest argument where we just let out our feelings. It was over in about 3 minutes. Even though it wasn't a big deal, I can't help but be encouraged that we are relaxing a little with each other and that we can have conflict over something minor and it not turn into a huge deal about the big picture. I am also glad I was able to stick up for myself instead of just letting it go because I am afraid he's going to leave. I have little boys and I cannot let them see that it is ok to treat a woman as a doormat.
My parents came to visit this past weekend. They have no idea we're having these problems. They've been married for over 40 years and they were telling us about their "5 year plan". I'm trying so hard to just get through the week and see each day as a success. I would so love to have a 5 year plan!
If H is so convinced M can't work and I lay out the signs I am watching for.....won't he make sure those exact things don't happen?? OK, maybe not, but can I risk it?
Your marriage is about to end, and you are afraid of telling anybody how you will know your marriage is getting better?
Well, if you don't do anything different and neither does your H, then it's going to end.
What are you so afraid of? And you don't need a complete laundry list. What are the top two things?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
"He said it. He's still here. I have to believe that is something."
I agree.
"We've been walking on glass around each other the past few months and we actually had an honest argument where we just let out our feelings. It was over in about 3 minutes. Even though it wasn't a big deal, I can't help but be encouraged that we are relaxing a little with each other and that we can have conflict over something minor and it not turn into a huge deal about the big picture. I am also glad I was able to stick up for myself instead of just letting it go because I am afraid he's going to leave. I have little boys and I cannot let them see that it is ok to treat a woman as a doormat."
What was the argument about? What resolved it?
"I have little boys and I cannot let them see that it is ok to treat a woman as a doormat."
Don't overdo it. You also want them to see that a woman can build up a man... when she puts her mind to it. It is a fine line... but women are "smarter".. right?
"They have no idea we're having these problems."
Really.. you think so? After 40 years? They don't know?
Maybe.. they were speaking in "code".
People only talk about a 5 year plan.. when they see potential. Even if you are f'ing up.. they will still talk about it. They hope you get it. I really like your parents by the way.
Don't you dare talk it over with them. It will change their perspective. Let that ride.
"I'm trying so hard to just get through the week and see each day as a success. I would so love to have a 5 year plan!"
You have a 5 day plan.. I asked you to do it.. you said you would.
5 days.. everyday.. make someone smile. Carry that home with you. Act as if you are still married. Don't say it.. do it.
Walk in the house knowing that today.. you made a random person smile. And you could do it again tomorrow. One day.. just by doing that.. you H is gonna smile.
Don't tell him you love him.. don't tell him you are there for him.
Show him.
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"Your marriage is about to end, and you are afraid of telling anybody how you will know your marriage is getting better?"
In the confines of a C session.. It could be ok to lay out what you think and feel. What your goals are.. and what you are looking for.
At the same time.. her C has asked some really weird questions.
I question her C some. Not sure what the C "goals" are.
For now.. we leave it at that.
"Well, if you don't do anything different and neither does your H, then it's going to end."
So.. so far you have told her that her marriage is over.. twice.
He knows where the door is. He goes out it at least once a day.
He just needs to know that when he goes out of it for the last time.. it was his choice.
Sorry about that TimeHeals. I get what you are saying. But in this instance I disagree with you.
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Still pondering your last statement to me ReelingW/aSmile.
Did you ever figure it out?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Your marriage is about to end, and you are afraid of telling anybody how you will know your marriage is getting better?
not anybody, just H yes I am afraid of that
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Well, if you don't do anything different and neither does your H, then it's going to end.
I agree with you.
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What are you so afraid of? And you don't need a complete laundry list. What are the top two things?
Top 2 1. losing the chance to reconnect with H 2. my children living through the pain of their father leaving
Thanks for stopping by TH. I don't mind your direct style at all. My M, as I knew it, is over. I hope that is a good thing and our M can get better. I have to come to terms with the fact that this is not solely my decision/up to me.
H overslept. I tried to wake him when I woke up. Then sent S5 in there 3 times to wake him while I handled breakfasts, packing lunches, helping the kids get dressed for school, etc. When H finally awoke he lashed out at me because he slept so late. He said I "could have helped more". Instead of my typical apology, I lashed back. It resolved when H admitted he was very upset with himself and took it out on me. I tried to validate and told him that I understood that and that I know I have done that many times to him. I told him I forgave him even before he apologized. He thanked me.
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Don't overdo it. You also want them to see that a woman can build up a man... when she puts her mind to it.
Absolutely!! Thank you for that.
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Really.. you think so? After 40 years? They don't know?
Maybe they do. They live so far away, we only see them 3 or 4 times a year. I guess I was thinking they were removed enough to not know. Of course they know that even good M have lots of down times. My mother does go very out of her way to compliment my H....maybe she's been trying to show me what I have been missing. I would never discuss this with them. I would never want to fog their relationship with my H.
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Walk in the house knowing that today.. you made a random person smile. And you could do it again tomorrow. One day.. just by doing that.. you H is gonna smile.
Yes, I have been doing this. I've started wearing a rubber band on my wrist to remind me to snap out of it and share some joy. This came about because I felt so bad 2 days in a row and I forgot to do it, and it made me feel worse. One night I went out to the grocery very late, because I was determined not to miss out that day. I walked the isles armed with my coupons until I found someone about to buy something that I had a coupon for. I shared and she was elated!.
He knows where the door is. He goes out it at least once a day.
He just needs to know that when he goes out of it for the last time.. it was his choice.
I think this is why I am so against the idea of a giving a time frame/deadline to the mC. If I say we have until Dec. to see improvement. H could just wait it out. Then he leaves and it was partly my choice too because we got to my date and things weren't better.
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Still pondering your last statement to me ReelingW/aSmile.
Did you ever figure it out?
I have not figured out the "mysterious". I think I get the "stepping out". I know I am afraid to rock the boat around here.
"It resolved when H admitted he was very upset with himself and took it out on me. I tried to validate and told him that I understood that and that I know I have done that many times to him. I told him I forgave him even before he apologized. He thanked me."
That was pretty solid stuff.
"Maybe they do."
Never underestimate the thoughts of an "outsider". After being married for 40 years.. the chances that they have been thru something like this themselves.. is pretty good. Plus parents have that 6th sense.
"I think this is why I am so against the idea of a giving a time frame/deadline to the mC. If I say we have until Dec. to see improvement. H could just wait it out. Then he leaves and it was partly my choice too because we got to my date and things weren't better."
There is no time limit. You don't need one. You will know when it is time to throw in the towel. As long as you are comfortable with things.. and they feel healthy for you.. just keep doing it. He is responding to the C in a somewhat positive way.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
After being married for 40 years.. the chances that they have been thru something like this themselves.. is pretty good. Plus parents have that 6th sense.
If they suspect something, I hope it is the 6th sense. I can't ask them about any M problems. If there ever was a OM/OW I would be devastated to hear about it.
I don't know how much of a factor it may be, but it seems that I have a very different outlook on M because the idea that one of my parents will die first and leave the other behind one day tortures me. I can't imagine one without the other. H's parents have been divorced for a long time and he states that they should have D sooner because their M was horrible. We did discuss this before we married. Back then H seemed determined not to repeat his parents mistakes.
