It's a long hard road to detachment, JeanBean..but necessary for your mental health to detach from his drama, and making a conscious effort to not allow him to affect you.
It's hard to remember what he's going through, and all too easy to get into reaction mode.
All it does is further feed his justification for what he's doing/saying..and when you become calm and detached, it takes away his ammunition.
When you detach, it simply means you recognize you cannot help him, and you refuse to get sucked into his drama..as you know, when you argue and try to make him see reason, it only gets worse.
Gotta learn to stand back and watch..yet, at the same time, work on yourself, learning who YOU are...as when he put you on this path that was not of your making, he made this about YOU.
No one said it was easy, but it CAN be done..learn to recognize the buttons he pushes, and try and remember that it's ONLY words, they can't hurt you...you know the truth within your heart, and no amount of anger/spewing can take that away.
Remember this has NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with him...he's got the problem, NOT you.
There are grains of truth in all they spew, and look within yourself, also remembering that change, when effected, is for YOU, not him.
The crisis presents an opportunity for YOU to grow..hopefully he will follow, but if he doesn't, it's HIS loss.
Gotta let go, let God take care of the situation, get on with your life AS IF he's not in it for now.
When he needs you, he will come to you...
Been there, done that...wasn't easy for me, either..I wanted to argue and reason, and it simply cannot be done.
I listened to alot of angry spewing from him, and it took a great deal of strength to withstand the onslaught of hate, anger, and pure spewing that I listened to, and not take it personally.
You're right, as long as you're emotionally engaged, the OW looks more appealing, and, if possible, you'd like him to come back toward you, but be willing to let him go if he chooses to walk out the door....and he could, you know...again, that would have NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with him.
When a person does something to another, the person that does it has a problem, not the person it's being done to.
I know you're going through an awful lot, but right now, he is NOT interested in doing anything about the marriage..so you have to let go, let God do His work on your husband.
Take care of you and the children, they are the most important people at the moment.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
