This is getting interesting, no offense, but he's STILL trying to get back into your life, and trying to drag YOU back into his, using a counselor as an excuse, using ANYTHING he can FIND as an excuse to get you to break your darkness toward him....he CAN'T STAND IT!!
Your darkness is having an effect on him, do not break it, for anything..if you do, it will have to start once again, and his pestering will get worse.
He is trying REALLY hard to suck you BACK into the place you were before you set your boundaries of not wanting to see him while he's seeing OW.
And with him running around with OW, knowing you KNOW about what he's doing with her, he is trying to make you JEALOUS, thinking you might come running if you think YOU are going to lose HIM.
Typical childish MLC'er games being played here..ignore that..don't let it get to you.
Well, Mila, for now, you've really lost NOTHING...but a liar, a cheat, and a homewrecker times 2!
Who's the loser here? Certainly NOT YOU!
Ah, he's really out there, and you are finding yourself once again, and that's a good thing.
You, my dear, are doing fine...I know, at times you're uncertain, but the darkness you're in IS having its effect on him...good, he NEEDS to wonder what's up with you...and don't let him fool you; he KNOWS why you're dark, but he doesn't like it at all...and will do anything to break it, if you allow him to.
Up to you, but he really doesn't deserve the time of day right now, especially since he STILL has OW on his arm.
Your daughter blowing him off is actually GOOD for him to see what consequences consist of. And they won't all come from you; some will come through her..and that is hitting him pretty hard...and it NEEDS to.
He cannot do wrong and get by, and he needs to see that in black and white; through your actions...you're not exhibiting any anger or malice toward him, simply stating your boundaries, and he's getting restive and reactive...it's literally driving him crazy.
Now, if you could just hold out on him just to see what happens next.
Although you may encourage your daughter to build a relationship with her dad, you really cannot make her do that; she is nearly grown, and is capable of making her own choices regarding her relationship with her dad...you have nothing to do with that, that is totally separate from the problems you're experiencing with your husband.
Stay out of their relationship, or lack, thereof..it will work itself out or it won't..it's up to them.
Not wanting to tell you what to do, but while I encouraged son to build a relationship with his dad, I did NOT make him do anything...I stayed clear of both of them...it had NOTHING to do with ME...I was only responsible for any interaction I had with my husband, and I was responsible for the relationship between me and son.
I saw this question from SA:
Quote:
Maybe one of our wise DBers can explain this type of behavior from the MLCer as I have often wondered why they are so insensitive to our feelings. The MLCer can't seem to comprehend why those things would upset us and their children.
Selfishness is one of the first things I remember about the insensitivity of the MLC'er...like children they are thinking of no one or anything but themselves...therefore, they do NOT care about who they hurt, just as long as THEY don't get hurt. It is also called "entitlement"..they think they are entitled to all they can get, regardless of who gets in the way, they will leave much destruction in their wake.
Like a child going through puberty once again, they are at a stage in their life BEFORE the spouse was met. That's also why there's NO recognition in their eyes when they look at their spouse, they truly do NOT know them at all, couldn't care less what they think; for all they know while within this the spouse could be the stranger up the street for all they care.
They get so deep with the replay of their lives, that the spouse and family they've left behind means NOTHING to them for a time...just someone who is "getting in the way" of their fun.
Now, remember, they are looking for OUTSIDE sources to blame for their unhappiness, also looking for OUTSIDE sources to ease that pain...and until they realize it's not working and look within, they continue to be destructive; using many running behaviors to try and get away from that pain.
They generally have to go DOWN in a big way to "wake them up" when they are really deep, and some NEVER wake up...just get stuck, never moving forward.
They continue their selfish behavior, going from one thing to the next, much like a child who gets all the toys they want, and doesn't make any effort to take care of what they have...and destruction is rampant as they go through.
There are some worse than others, from what I've observed over the years.
FWIW, this lasts until the "awakening" that brings them out of Replay..then things start changing, depending on how much damage done during that stage. Some go into OW/OM Withdrawal,(if an affair has been had) and the lack of recognition is STILL there on into Depression...it is not until the Depression begins to lift that recognition of the spouse begins to return their eyes.
Yet, at times, they ARE well aware of what they are doing, but their feelings, such as they are have been "buried", and their morals compromised...the line between right and wrong has been blurred, and they seem to have a "seared" conscience...if they took a long, hard, honest look within, and saw the damage in the place they're in, they would have a total nervous breakdown...so they "stuff" their conscience in a box and bury it, right along with their feelings...and these are deep in a place that no one can reach, not even the MLC'er.
I do NOT know if "X" marks the spot, but as they (in theory) move along in the tunnel, these things are found again, and brought out, but it takes a LONG time for them to do so.
Mentally, they have to be strong enough to survey the damage, and they cannot take it all at one time; that is why it's starts being shown in Depression, then more in Withdrawal, then the veil is lifted completely in Acceptance, showing them EVERYTHING they've done...by Acceptance, they are strong enough to face it all, and try to fix the damage, unless the LBS finds it all too much...it takes ALOT of strength on the LBS' part to forgive, accept and heal from the damage if it's great.
I remember my husband saying that he'd gotten into the mindset that he could do ANYTHING to me, and I would take what he dished out at me...being as disrespectful as he wanted to.
BUT, when I changed my attitude toward him, that told him if he didn't do something and quickly, he would LOSE me, and he did NOT want that, so he did the best he could to first make me go back to what I'd been before to make it easier on him, THEN he HAD to change himself, which caused a further battle within him, because he really DIDN'T want to change..but in the end, he was FORCED to.
During this same time was when he thought of just leaving and never coming back..this happened three times, according to him, and on the third, he had to look ahead to see what it would be like WITHOUT me in his life, and he couldn't stand the thought.
So, I won by default...if you could call it that.
But, I believe, sincerely, if I HADN'T changed, he might have walked away, anyway, because you cannot coexist with someone you cannot respect...and while I was what I used to be, he had NO respect for me.
When I drew those necessary boundaries and changed myself, it helped to draw him BACK toward me, partly because it took the pressure OFF both of us...I wasn't clinging, demanding or begging and pleading.
This took time, but was well worth it, and I kept every change I made, as it resulted in a more mature ME..and it was good for my emotional well being/health.
Have a good one.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
