I need to start a new thread, man this one is long!
Anyhow, positives this week. I"m changing, and I saw the effect on my H. It did change the way he related to me.
H tried baiting me all saturday night about - dinner was late, the microwave is broken, I'm not disciplining S enough...on and on and guess what. I didn't bite. I got up and went to my show, told some friends to get support, got it off my chest, went out after the show, and had a good night.
Sunday morning more baiting - going on about how my car is a wreck, it's going to attract police attention, (i have some bumper dents - big deal) etc etc and ... darn it I got sucked in. I said "Please don't criticize my car" which somehow translates to more aggressive attack instead of less. After noticing how H's mean comments were getting increasingly harsh, I finally just stopped. I closed my mouth.
This was a family day at a faire. First half spent receiving silent treatment. Very uncomfortable. SEcond half H perked up and I continued with DB coach's advice to keep it friendly and positive. H claimed he had "not felt well in the morning and felt better after eating lunch." This was the extent of his acknowledgement. I continued to let it go, self soothe, and have the best day I could.
IN the car on the way home, I simply said he had spoken to me harshly. H sometimes can admit this. He was calmer, but instead of admitting it, continued to rationalize that his arguments were "factual statements" and I was getting "upset over nothing."
I let it go.
These were pretty big 180s for me. When H doesn't apologize or shift his attitude, I have a hard time letting it go because it's so painful. BUt I did.
I also would have usually brought it up in MC but on Db coach's advice "we don't have to rehash everything."
Guess who brought up his underlying issue on his own in MC?
He said he'd like to have "better communication" around the house issues, etc. What he was really saying was what was bothering him under the verbal abuse. And with no prodding from me. We were able to talk openly about how in our M there was negative dynamic where I felt scrutinized, criticized, never good enough, and he increased pressure because I would then "ignore" his requests.
We actually dealt with a M issue and he brought it up on his own.
Anyone who has followed me knows I have suffered rage, criticism, etc around the state of the house and car for the past year with great intensity, but it was going on when he lived here too.
So we're supposedly not together, but we're working on M issues!
And guess who also brought up more issues sweet as pie and with gentleness on his own the next night?
And, we sat and talked. Just really talked last night. I was telling him about my anxiety and instead of the "this is more drama and manipulation" I got a few weeks ago, he sat, listened, and even offered some suggestions.
So how is it we are supposedly not together but we are being more open and communicating better little by little? All I know is I'm changing my end of the dynamic and it's showing some progress.
Hope- all I can say is.... WOW. And GOOD FOR YOU. You are stronger than you think and are doing great work!!!!!
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Wow Hope . I`m glad to read that things are going well. Most importantly, it sounds like you are in a stronger role in the interactions. You`ve shown that you can go dim, you`ve shown that you won`t necessarily rise to the bait, etc. He`s paying attention big time.
I guess what concerns me is that he may want to `work on things` to feel better about everything rather than to work reconcile. As long as OW is in the picture you have to have some healthy scepticism about his intentions...which may include `softening you up` for D negotiations. I don`t want to be negative...I just want you to have your eyes wide open.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
These were pretty big 180s for me. When H doesn't apologize or shift his attitude, I have a hard time letting it go because it's so painful. BUt I did.
I also would have usually brought it up in MC but on Db coach's advice "we don't have to rehash everything."
applause to you, girl. i don't know where you are getting the inner strength from at this point. but congrats!
By the way, there are no D negotiations. We have all the terms legally set and filed with our legal separation. We also have one year before either can file D, so I have time.
However, your skepticism is well founded FM and I need to keep an eye on my ability to disregard the negative and pin hope after hope on the tiny amounts of positive.
However, on that note...lol....
Guess who ASKED ME to watch a show tonight? That is a FIRST.
Yes, I've been doing the food thing for months. It works with some success.
H is classic pain in the you know what this morning - I am showing S about "odd and even" numbers and H keeps saying how "that's not how the lesson works" over and over and basically how I"m doing it wrong. THen he makes S pancakes and says there's none for me. I thought he was joking. He literally didn't ask if I wanted any and only made pancakes for S. Then when I asked if there were some for me he says "Don't take it personally. You never get up in the morning." etc etc. Yeah, he could have asked.
He has absolutely no idea that this hurts me. And then he says I"m taking things too personally.
But I just walked away and said no problem. He had to add, "well that IS a problem FOR YOU." I didn't bite. But no wonder I was so miserable in my M.
Stop the lesson H4L. There is no reason to keep going with him underminging you in the background.
He's teaching his son to be disrespectful and you are encouraging the lesson. It's your job to stop that! Cheerfully tell S you'll do this later and STOP.
Good for you not taking the bait--he wanted a fight, obviously, and you didn't give it to him. Let him fight with someone else--NOT YOU.
It's so weird Laura. He honestly doesn't see that as antagonistic! He is a total brain and he got into this whole theory about how this is the best way to teach math and he started lecturing about math = I hadn't even had my coffee so when I asked a question about what he meant, he looked at me and said, "Never mind, Hope." and walked away. And he doesn't see how that seems arrogant.
I did walk away. I did great. I just stopped talking and walked away. He could still tell I was offended and said "Calm down, sheesh."
I mean it's so ridiculous. So I checked with myself and told myself he literally doesn't think this is a problem, so I won't be offended and i dropped it.
I just get spun in questioning myself. Am I over sensitive? Or is he as offensive as I experience him? And since he dumped me, he is not too interested in hearing how he comes across.
you are not sensitive; he is offensive. Dropping the rope and walking away, maintaining the high ground, means he gets less and less out of baiting you. Expect the attempts to increase for awhile as he gets frustrated that you're not biting. Don't show him any emotion. Gradually, he will have to find something else to do.
(((Hope)))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
. I`m glad to read that things are going well. Most importantly, it sounds like you are in a stronger role in the interactions. You`ve shown that you can go dim, you`ve shown that you won`t necessarily rise to the bait, etc. He`s paying attention big time.