I need help rekindling my marriage. It’s been suggested that I start my own thread on my situation so here it is. Interestingly, I think it helps me to understand more just by writing it down for others.
I’m feeling “sex-starved” which is why I’m posting here. However, I think “intimacy starved/rejected” is a better description. This has been going on for roughly the last three+ years or our 15+ year marriage. We’re both around 40 and have a D who’s 7. I’m devoted to making this work but also feel I’m at the end of my rope.
Over the last four years we seemed to become increasingly distant. I had thought it was a temporary thing that would pass as always. Around the beginning of that time, my wife started participating in a prestigious volunteer music group. Practices and performances generally start as soon as I get home from work and last for 5-7 hours. I started staying home with our D to enable her participation. I began expressing the need to address the resulting issues in our M after two years of that.
I was just thinking we were continuing through a rough patch last year when I found that my wife had seen a divorce lawyer. She left her handwritten notes on the floor of our house which I discovered when she went out with friends. I was shocked to say the least. She said she decided she didn’t want to continue down that path and to work things out. Since then, we have been seeing a counselor. I don’t think the last sixth months have done us any good. W agreed with that and we saw a new relationship specific counselor this week. We’ll see how that goes.
Since this “bomb” I’ve read all sorts of materials on relationships. DB, SSM, LL, “Hold me Tight” right now. I’ve tried hard to make sure she gets what she needs; however, she will not tell me what it is she wants. She does say she’s angry and resentful and can’t get over it. As a result, I suspect I’m not doing what she really wants. On the other hand, I have realized that I’m not getting the quality time and intimacy I need. Although I’ve pointed this out repeatedly over the last year, all I can seem to get is more home cooked meals (which are very yummy though). She will not initiate any intimate contact. She has no interest in educating herself in ways to better our marriage. I have to move everything forward or it doesn’t happen.
Lately I’ve stopped initiating in an attempt to draw her in some. I think she just likes that I’m not bothering her anymore. Attempting to talk about the relationship just makes her upset. Typically, she ends up saying I just think she’s horrible and in general turns very defensive, essentially this just shuts down any further productive communication. I just can't seem to get her to open up. Increasingly, I'm losing hope. How can I get through?
