I don't think I'm going to be able to go into work tomorrow. I just keep crying and don't think it's a good idea. I'm going to see how I feel in the morning...
Question though: If I do need to stay home and WH comes to get his things. What should I say or do? I have an office in the basement - should I say hi? I'm not really sure how to approach that.
Have his things packed neatly by the door. If he greets you then be cheerful and bright and simply respond as you would to any other casual greeting.
I know you don't feel this way now but it will be okay FOR YOU. Your H sounds just like mine did and I know how horribly painful it is. We are here for you!
Do you know what time he is coming over? If you know for sure he's coming, then I would just not be in the house or have his things waiting for him outside.
If you're not going to go to work, take a long drive somewhere. Do something busy. You need to continue to get yourself strong.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I do not know for sure if he is coming over - he has not tried to contact me at all and I have stood very strong in making absoltuely no contact whatsoever (unless someone dies). My thought is that he knows that I am out of the house on Thursday so he may be waiting until then to get his things. Another possiblity is that he isn't sure where he going to be staying so he is leaving his things here until he figures it out. Another options is that maybe he is not sure about leaving so he doesn't want to get his things (one can hope, right?)
CityGirl - I read your story and it does sound a lot like me. My WH isn't currently having an affair but he has had one before but much of his actions are similar to those of your H. WH just left on Saturday but already he is trying to be friends and acts guilty. It just can't work like that.
Unfortunately, I haven't come to a place where I'm ready to let it all go yet. You are so strong! Good for you!
I still hold out hoope that we can repair. I have come to the realization (as you did) that my WH harbors deep resentment toward me that have never been addressed and I believe this has overshadowed positive feelings for me. In the beginnning of our marriage there was A LOT of stress due to job changes, etc. The previous 7 years of dating were wonderful but its like we took this turn and haven't able to get back. I think what happened was that the previous 7 years we faced smaller obstacles but then when stuff got really bad (right after we got married)neither of us had the skills to effectively deal with them together and we just collided. We did try therapy several times but I don't think either of us knew how bad it was and discussed stupid stuff like chores, etc. This revelation is relatively new and it makes me sad that WH was not able to express effectively the hurt that has been building up and can't remember how well we used to work together.
We are so great for each other. He is my best friend and such a wonderful man. I just hope that he does a little soul searching and maybe someday can find his way back. It can never be the same but I think it could be new and even better if we learned to work together.
Pack up his things and leave them by the door outside. Seems like he's a sex addict with the prostitutes or am I hearing wrong?
The thing with addicts is that they crave what they can't have. If your action of leaving his stuff packed up shows him that you've moved on, then he might come seeking back again.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hey MrBond! I originally discovered the prositutes in Jan 2010. I found an email from WH with subject "red head for fun" (or something like that). And he wrote in the email "Do you have any availability today?"
I immediately called my husband (it was a Thursday and I was in the office away from home) and he said that it excited them to email these women and get pictures from them and we could talk about it when I got home (it was a longer discussion that that but that was the gist). I knew there was more to it because why would you ask someone's "availability" if you just wanted to see pictures (not that pictures are much better).
So, when I got home - husband admitted that he has seen a prostitute 4 or 5 times. He said that he has only gotten blow jobs and worn a condomn every time. He said that much of the excitement was from contacting them and seeing pictures.
I actually believe him about wearing a condomn (and yes, I have been tested several times) - he was always very cautious when we were dating and overly paranoid.
He told me he was deeply ashamed and I was the only what that knew and now I knew his "deep dark secret". I wanted him to leave (I don't think I actually wanted him to leave but I think I wanted him to validate me that he wanted to stay) but he told me not to give up on him and he would get help.
That was when he started seeing his current therapist. We sought out a very well know "sex problem/addiction" therapist. I am very angry now looking back. I originally though the reason he was going into therapy was to deal with this issue. At the first session the therapist met with me for an hour by myself, my husband for an hour by himself and then us together for an hour. The therapist at that time said that on the scale of "sexual addiction" he thought my husband's problem was more "problematic" then an actual addiction. He believed my husband seeked out "adrenaline inducing" activities (ex: my husband is an entertainer for a living (thrill of the crowd); he likes to gamble; he drinks more than average and then sometimes drives)
I thought he was going to therapy to work on all these things. When WH tells me he is leaving on Sat he informs me that the entire time he was talking about our relationship. Of course I wasn't in the sessions but I don't feel as though WH really dealt with any of the above issues. I feel like he used all of our flexible spending money (it was $180 per WEEK) to basically convince himself that he should leave me. Husband said numerous times over course of therapy that this therapist was the kind that didn't really say anything... which is fine except for the fact that I don't think he was really given tools to change anything. WH said that therapist told him "it doesn't seem like we are getting anywhere. We should bring in your wife and let her know the news" (something to that effect). Basically telling husband that thigns didn't sound like they were working out so he should move on.
There is nothing I can do about it but WH is still seeing this guy and I am almost beating myself up that we didn't choose someone different.
Damn! I'm so not at a place yet where I could pack up all his stuff. I know from reading everyones comments this is probably the "right" thing to do but I need to get a little strong first. I know I will get there and can take more positive steps but for now I'm just trying to get through the day and packing up his clothes would make my anxiety sky rocket.
Be originaly said that he hadn't actually visited a prostitue since before the affair. I believed him, stupidly. For some reason in my head that made it better. Well, since he had written the secet email address in his regualr email which I have access to. I went to yahoo -typed in the email address and used a password that he used for other things and it worked. I was stuneed. There were hundreds of emails bakcand forth with women over the span of 3 years. And he has lied (surprise!), he had visit a prosiste and contact them between his affair ending and the present time. Surprisinly he was also contacting prosiste DURING his affair (and affair in which he said he was "deeply in love" - gag me). The emails were painful to read - especailly since our sex life ha been almost non-existent.
I really thought he had a problem. Especially since a lot of the emails were DESPERATE - if the women didn't answer right away he would keep emailing and emailing. One of the emails he waited for a women after work for 5 hours to try and meet her but she never came - he still didn't give up and kept emailing her for weeks. I thought something was seriously wrong. I actually still do (but according to the therapist its just "problematic" - riiiiight)
He immediately closed the account and vowed to get help and that it would never happen again. He seemed EXTREMELY remorseful and asked me to stick by him. He talked about getting through it and renewing our vows so we could start over.
Looking at the dates on the emails he would contact the women around times of signficance (christmas, anniversary, grandma in hospial) then he would go months with no emails at all. I think he used it as an escape just like he would alcohol, etc.
I also found emails where he was putting ads on craigslist for older women to contact him. It has always been a fantasy/like of his. He loves older women (45-55).
After all this it made me absolutely CRAZY. Anytime I would see an attractive older woman I would get jealous and so insecure.'
I actually believe he may have been a prositute several days ago. I have access to our phone records (cell phone) and also I our phones have GPS so if you go to the website it will show you where you are. I called one of the numbers and it was a calling card. I blocked my number and called the number after that and it was some woman. I could see from the tracking on the phone he was at a house (in a seedy part of town) for about 20 minutes and then I could see he drove into the town to gamble. I obviously was not there and dont have absolute proof but I'm pretty sure.
I sound kind of crazy about but I kind of got to that point after all the deception.
This is also an indication that it seems he seeks these things out when he is in turmoil. I know for almost sure he did not see any prostitues from Jan - several days ago.
I wouldn't listen to what your H said the T said. Addicts will lie to make them seem like the good guy. It may very well be that he's addicted to the thrill. That's still no excuse.
IMHO your H needs to see that he can get a RUSH with YOU. First thing to do is upset the current dynamic that he has going on. Packing up his things is the first step. Think of it like an initial wake up call.
After that, start taking care of yourself. I mean really pamper yourself and make yourself look and feel great. This is for you and not him. This will make you much stronger.
Eventually he may see the strength and beauty that you have. Then it will be YOUR decision as to whether or not he deserves to be with you.
You have a small window of opportunity to make a huge statement. You can do this.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So...I just went on craigslist and I'm almost positive I see that he is seeking out women again. It obviously doesn't have his name but it is his age, location and all about 40-50 year old women. He is looking for an "ongoing arrangement and age is a must." It looks like the ad that he had up before when he was doing this.
I don't think I even want to try anymore. This is so disgusting. I don't even know this person. I want to confront him so badly. I want to tell his parents and his therapist. He needs help - he is sick.
I'm making a fake hotmail account. If I can get proof it may help me. I just emailed him with the fake account. He said in the ad he would show his picture so if he sends it I can proove it is fine.
I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's like he is two different people. I'm in such denial.
