I cannot afford counseling right now, but I have come to this conclusion after facing all the facts of my marriage. I would love to get some support about whether I am making the right decision. I know in my heart I am but maybe some support from others will be heplful.... Please.
Ok so I am going to do it. I am going to be a WAW. I cannot physically, emotionally be with this person anymore. He came at me yesterday with an ultimatum that if we get back together I can never be angry at him or cold. This is so unrealistic.
Reasons I cant be with this man:
1. He constantly needs to look at porn and subscribe to sex sites. Even if I have sex with him every night he still feels the need to do this.
2. He smoke pot every single day, sometimes all day. His therapist says this is ok for him to do, as long as it is controllable. I simply laughed at him, I said, "Does she know that you cannot go one day without smoking it and you have smoked it everyday for at least 20 years?
3. He spends no time with his family, the only time he spends the whole day with us is on a holiday. HIs outside life is more important.
4. Since moving to a new city and him starting a new business, he has been out of the house more than ever. Because we moved to his old hometown the town is cluttered with his old friends. He says he doesnt understand why I dont have a life and that I need to find a friend. Well let's see I work 40 hours a week and whe I am not working I am taking care of my daughter, I have made playdates with other mom's, but because I haven't met a friend to go "party" with he assumes I have no life and he can't stand that. Well who is going to watch our daughter? He certainly will not come home.
5. We have separate banking accounts, Since moving here he has not helped me pay any bills. He has not given me money for food or clothing for our daughter.
6. I already feel like a single mother. We are living with his parents, because I cant afford to get a place on my own, I am still a student, I have one more year until I get my bachelors degree. And he can't afford to get a place to live because of his new business. So...his parents want him out of the house and they want me to stay because they think his actions are ridiculous. He hasn't left yet, because he was going to counseling and I thought things would get better...but it seems like this therapist is breaking us up. He said everything he is dong is right and I am the one with the problem.
7. I want full custody of my daughter, do you think I can achieve this. I also want him to pay child support as well as. I want him out of the house and when he hangs out with my daughter I do not want him smoking pot. He leaves his pot in reach of our daughter and it doesnt matter how many times I ask him to put it away he refuses. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with smoking pot. And you know what I dont either, but his usage is extreme. and he is irresponsible. If our daughter got into it that would be really bad.
SO I need some support to know that I am doing the right thing that breaking up my family in these circumstances is the right thing to do. I am tired of making excuses to him. I am tired of being sad and emotionally attached to someone who is this way.
I have such low self esteem after being with someone like this for years and years. I just want to be myself again I feel like an empty shell, with lots of anger and resentment that sometimes seeps out on people who dont deserve it. I want to be happy again.
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
OK well is there a reason i only get like 3 posts and everyone else gets 50-100 posts/ Just curious if i am using this site wrong or if people just think i am a waste of energy. Am I on the wrong site>???
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
Ok- have you gone to MC? What attempts have you made to get him to see you really need him to make changes or you are leaving?
I have to tell you that you sure list some compelling reasons to become a WAW! But for many who were left behind, their walk away spouse didn't express their needs and by the time they walked away their minds were made up without even considering the left behind spouse might change! And some just became cheaters instead of facing problems in the marriage and in themselves.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
His therapist is telling him that he is doing nothing wrong that I am the problem. He initiated the separation and I tried figuring everything out...but the more I thought about it the more I realized i am chasing a lost cause.
Anyhow... Since in his mind I am a mean person that he cannot be with because I am unreasonable in my thoughts and actions. This is the way it has to be. i guess i just want to know if other people would leave their spouse in these circumstances,,,Even after repeatedly explaining that the things they are doing and hurtful and I cant live this way ...
the answers i get are: "i want to do what i want to do and i am going to do them that is why i lie to you." "why am I not allowed to have fantasies. I should be able to tell you when I think another woman is hot" "I can smoke pot when i want because it doesnt change me. If I want to smoke pot with our daughter when she is older, I should be able to".
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
His therapist is telling him that he is doing nothing wrong that I am the problem. He initiated the separation and I tried figuring everything out...but the more I thought about it the more I realized i am chasing a lost cause.
Anyhow... Since in his mind I am a mean person that he cannot be with because I am unreasonable in my thoughts and actions. This is the way it has to be. i guess i just want to know if other people would leave their spouse in these circumstances,,,Even after repeatedly explaining that the things they are doing and hurtful and I cant live this way ...
the answers i get are: "i want to do what i want to do and i am going to do them that is why i lie to you." "why am I not allowed to have fantasies. I should be able to tell you when I think another woman is hot" "I can smoke pot when i want because it doesnt change me. If I want to smoke pot with our daughter when she is older, I should be able to".
wait, ok, so who left who?
If all these things you say are true, I really don't see how his therapist can say he is doing "nothing" wrong.
Either that, or that's the worst therapist of all time, ever.
Something doesn't add up here... You just sound REALLY angry, which, I understand, but you really don't sound like you want to be with this guy anymore.
If you just wanna vent, by all means let it all out and I'll read it, but, to me, it sounds like you just want us to tell you what an jackass he is and yeah you should leave him. But, if you really wanna get into the meat and potatoes of your relationship issues, we kinda need actual info, and not just you telling us what a horrible P.O.S. he is.
I'm REALLY not trying to be a jerk here... Just callin' it as I sees it.
Do you WANT to save your marriage and family? With as angry as you are, could you dedicate yourself 100% to it? Cause it's HARD, and I mean capital H-A-ard.
Or.
Are you done?
We can't TELL you what to do. You have to decide for yourself.
I'm sorry, at first i was trying to save my marriage.
He said he wanted a separation about one month ago. We still live together but sleep in different rooms. He started seeing a therapist and came home and declared that our marriage has serious problems.
1. i dont have any friends since we have moved into his old hometown. And this is a problem because I have no life. Although I am going to school finishing my bachelors degree and working 40 hours a week and taking care of our daughter.
2. He is a pathological liar to me because he wants what he wants and he is going to do whatever he wants. If I can't trust him then we can't be together. And yes he said this all in one sentence.
3. He doesnt think he can be with me because I am a mean cold person. And he doesnt think I will ever change. He told me that his therapist suggested he get a paternity test and that he should have never married me.
all of which i was completely shocked. She also told him that there is no problem that he smokes pot every single day. I don't know if he is lying to me about that too.
I want to change and make things better but after a month of hell and all of these horrible things he is saying to me because his therapist "told him". I don't know. I have never cheated on him so I dont know why she would suggest a paternity test. I dont know what he is telling her but... it sucks I feel like such a piece of ****
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
you are right. thanks i needed to hear that . who cares. i guess so long to the DBing .... maybe i will come here still for advice if the D gets outta control for me.
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
Yeah, I mean, even if you want to save the marriage again at some point, I think the best for you to do right now is to get away and get some perspective on it anyway.
If he appears to change, for real, then you can cross that bridge when you get to it regarding giving it another chance.
