still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

OK WH just dropped off S. He was dressed up like he was going to work. I greeted them both and focused on S at first. Then WH said "I didn't think you'd be back for awhile!" I said "No, I said between 1:30 and 2." and then he explained they didn't go swimming because he tweaked his back. Well, I did express some sympathy and asked him what happened. He said he was hitting golf balls last weekend and maybe that was it. Then he said "yeah, so on top of this cold, my back hurts and I have so much work to do." I said "wow... that's too bad!"

Then he said he had to go into work next. Again I expressed sympathy "really??" and he said that he was way behind from being out of town last week.

So he went to the bathroom but I stayed by the doorway with S. When he came back, I asked him if he wanted to change anything the next week with the schedule. He just asked if it was ok if he picked S up early on Monday and returned him later in the day since it would be his only day off with him for a long time. I said that was fine.

He asked me if I had plans on Thursday and I paused, genuinely thinking if I did, and asked him the date, and then said no....not at this time, and he said "that's right- your Bunco is the 2nd Thursday of the month" (but I dropped the group but I didn't say anything--I still feel this shows he is tracking or trying to guess what I am doing!!!) and explained that he had a work golf tournament he was going to be doing that night so he wouldn't be able to take S that night. I actually looked right into his eyes, said "Oh," smiled and nodded "knowingly." I remember his work golf tournaments from years past!

He took S and held him and said how he can get S to cuddle with him sometimes and when S rubs his nose on your shirt when he is tired it is so cute. I just said "I know!" then said "well I better get him down for a nap-say goodbye to daddy!"

I headed upstairs to put S down and he headed out and said he'd see "us" tomorrow and I asked "oh yeah what day is today again?" and then said "good luck with your back!"

Now I am feeling kind of like in the future when we discuss the schedule or plans, I should say something that puts me in the power position if that makes sense. Like "I don't know yet but that's okay, I will find babysitting if something comes up."

Overall, I did express sympathy for him BUT it would have been way worse if I didn't, don't you think? And I felt confident the whole time, I was thinking "my hair looks AWESOME today!" and "I am caring, fun and interesting, damn it!" (lol- these were self confidence boosting thoughts)

There is something to be said about the positive thinking plan though- my subconscious has really tapped into it because my actions and body language are now "exuding" what I am thinking...
wonder if it will have an effect?

[newmama]

WN, YOU LADIES advised that I stick to the same approach and not do anything different for awhile! I see it as he was agreeing with you, if that makes sense- and even if he had a different opinion, I was going to run it by you ladies first because on this forum I share way more details than with my therapist that I see bi-weekly for 45 minutes.

But it is nice when my "resources" line up!

I realize there is no hurry in me figuring out what to say to WH if I want to check on the status of the paperwork. But you can be sure I will run it by you ladies (if I have to get to that point)and get your feedback.

[WhatNow]

Great job! You did fabulous with the sympathy. Not too much, didn't ask too many questions, Kinda like you were talking to the mailman.

Now I am feeling kind of like in the future when we discuss the schedule or plans, I should say something that puts me in the power position if that makes sense. Like "I don't know yet but that's okay, I will find babysitting if something comes up."

I wouldn't say too much here. Maybe just a 'Thanks for the heads up' or 'Thanks I'll figure it out'. Then his thoughts can fuss over what you're doing or how you'll figure it out. I am finding that the less I say, the better!

(I love good hair days!!!)

[WhatNow]

WN, YOU LADIES advised that I stick to the same approach and not do anything different for awhile! I see it as he was agreeing with you, if that makes sense- and even if he had a different opinion, I was going to run it by you ladies first because on this forum I share way more details than with my therapist that I see bi-weekly for 45 minutes.

But it is nice when my "resources" line up!

I realize there is no hurry in me figuring out what to say to WH if I want to check on the status of the paperwork. But you can be sure I will run it by you ladies (if I have to get to that point)and get your feedback.

You are seeing results in this direction...soooo..... I think it is ok to change up the pace now and then, just keep going in the same direction!

I know it is killing you to not know what he is doing with the paperwork. Given the amount of time, I would say he isn't doing anything...And he can say to OW, he talked to you about it.
If you must bring it up, or if he does, you might start with 'I'm glad you have not done anything with the D papers.'

[newmama]

'I'm glad you have not done anything with the D papers.'

Thank you for an opening lead that
1) shows that I still want to R
2)kind of reminds him that he HASN'T moved toward D!

So now I plan to just put that away in the back of my mind and focus on planning my days, reading more about MEN and MARRIAGE and what they need, and setting up portraits for S as well as planning his b-day party.

Of course I will be sharing what I find on here and getting input of course!!!

[flowmom]

Newmama, I really don't think that the details of how you interact with H are going to make or break things at this point. I'd love to see you develop more detachment including this:

Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

To be clear, I'm not saying that you've hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point. I think that you've made some steps towards emotional self-protection, but it still worries me that so much energy seems to go into making yourself attractive to WH, and into analyzing his every word and action. I'm not criticizing you or saying you shouldn't post about that here. I'm just saying that your posts seem to reflect a LOT of focus on WH and the hope for reconciliation. You know that I wish that you'll get that opportunity (as long as he is willing to do the necessary work) but that really is out of your hands right now.

You are doing a great job on GAL and on working on your issues...I'm giving you credit for all the GREAT stuff that you're doing. No 2x4s from me. Just some concern for you.

(((hugs)))

[newmama]

Thanks for looking out for me, FM- but no worries- I went through the worst depression and anger ever in the last month (remember?) so now if he D's me I won't be depressed at that level again.

I just can't agree, though, that my interactions with H don't matter...

Here is something that will make my friends feel better (and those out there who are uncomfortable watching me be in limbo)

There is an end point soon- I have accepted that I will file for D this summer if he doesn't want to R but just is too wimpy to file. I now see that being divorced is not what I want, but S hopefully won't be ruined for life since WH and I will "share" him (he will get both parents in his life) and that I will be able to have a full life unattached until I am ready for my next serious relationship.

[newmama]

I just wanted to say that this week has been slow for posts in the newcomers section- usually that is the forum with the most traffic!

[WhatNow]

newmama,

I am confident you will be just fine. This board is the one place we can discuss our spouses with those who know what infidelity truly feels like. It is the one place we can focus on the infidelity without being told to get over it. IRL we have plenty of support for GALing, and that is where we are actually GALing and focusing on ourselves. I am very grateful for you and others that support me fussing over H's latest antics! and I am glad I can say to others, I understand. Whatever happens, we will be ok. Now, Back to those positive affirmations and visualizations. There will be plenty of time for rebuilding later.

[newmama]

Thanks Whatnow- this is how I feel as well:

I am confident you will be just fine. This board is the one place we can discuss our spouses with those who know what infidelity truly feels like. It is the one place we can focus on the infidelity without being told to get over it. IRL we have plenty of support for GALing, and that is where we are actually GALing and focusing on ourselves.

But I also feel this is the one place where I get true support for wanting to keep my marriage- most of the friends IRL seem to think I am crazy at this point!

I was reflecting on the goals I set for myself in regard to WH and what I have accomplished in the last month and what I want to get done this month. So far, I have been achieving 100% of the goals for MY actions (meaning I am doing what I said I would be doing):

My actions that will draw WH to me:

-I keep losing weight and my body gets sexier every day
-I am tan (lol!) and have nice hair and makeup
-I am busy making plans- when we exchange S, I am dressed to go somewhere, and I initiate conversation about coordinating timing on the drop offs so that I am home in time
-I stick to the limited contact conversation and continue to find ways to limit his time at the house
-I only initiate contact with him if it is about the schedule or urgent issue w/ S
-I continue to take care of the garbage, get his mail, and avoid asking for help with things around the house. He will have to find the stuff to do which will show that he is LOOKING for reasons to want to be at the house.

So now I must reflect on what WH has done in this last month:

How will I know he is doing this:

-He will be asking me questions about where I am going or what I am doing
he hasn't asked me EXACTLY "where are you going?" "what are you doing?" but he has shown behaviors like yesterday when he was trying to figure out if I was going to Bunco. He has been asking what time he should drop S off (don't know if this counts). I can't put into words, but on Tuesday he was visibly curious about what I was doing that night!

-I will see him looking at my body and feeling attracted to me again
Yes, I have caught him "checking me out"

-He will try to talk to me because he enjoys my attention, personality, and warmth.
I am his true best friend.

yes, he has been lingering (off and on) to make conversation about S

and try to hang around the house because it is inviting and relaxing
haven't seen this so much...

-He may try to do favors or buy me or S things (stuff we might need at the store)
I haven't seen this a whole lot lately- it seems he did it more when I was letting him visit S at the house- so I will watch and wait

-He will drop discussion of divorce/paperwork
yes

-He will grow tired of his guilt, doubt and pressure from OW and end his relationship with her
in progress? (lol!)

-He will ask to come back!
not yet

So for these next 4 weeks, I want to see more of his curiosity about my plans, continue checking me out, continue trying to make conversation, continue to not bring up discussion of paperwork

I would like to see him start do favors or buy stuff at the store, find work to do around the house, end his relationship (affair!!) with OW, and ask to come back to me.

So I will continue doing what I am doing for now!