I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[timehealsall]

I think my impatience is getting the best of me.

We have been getting along great. Probably speaking more than usual.. Flirting here and there.. I made dinner last night and he came home with the kids right after S5's game.

We sat down and ate and bathed the kids and then put them to bed and chatted for a bit. he then went home and that was it.

I did my hair last night and lightened it. It came out really good. I like it. Feel purty!

He was at my place this morning for the kids.. he commented that he liked my hair and that it looked good...I went to work. He text me in the early afternoon to tell me that S5 had a mini meltdown when H dropped him off at school.

I called H up and asked what had happened. He told me that S was weepy and sad and that H tried to get him to talk and told him he loved him. S said "daddy, I miss you" H replied that he did too and that nothing would change that. S said okay and then H told him that he would always be his daddy and always love him.

*sigh*

it upset me that S was feeling like this. This is all so unecessary. SO I said to H, we will need to figure out a more permanent situation and what we're going to do. He kept asking what I was referring to. That he was there every morning when they woke up and all day and until he puts them to bed. I said yes, but we will need to figure out something because not only is it not fair to them, but it's not fair to me. I have been in limbo for over 9 months and I feel stuck (I probably shouldn't have said ANYTHING). So then he says, what do you want to do? and I said, I think if we're not going to be together, then we need to just get divorced. So then he said, be honest with me. Do you want to end things because there is someone else?

I chuckled and said no.. and that I wouldn't do that while we were married but that I do want to move on and being that with him isn't an option, then it's something that I've thought about and want. He was taken back by it. kept saying "you will be better off.. you're a pretty girl, you'll meet someone with money who will take care of you. that's what you've always wanted. I couldn't give that to you. I see how you look when you go to work and I know that guys must hit on you" totally putting himself down and I just let him talk.

Then he goes to agree with me that if that's what I want, then fine, let's do it.

I then said that part of me thinks that I'm going to continue waiting around in limbo and he'll end up falling into what he did before. He said "never. I would never do that again" I was like uhm, what? you did that before. why not now? he said "because I could never do that to my kids and in front of my kids.. I wouldnt' want to hurt them" (this part peeved me..but whatever) So then I said, oh, so doing it in a different country was different? he said, I guess but I couldn't do it again. I ended the conversation on a light note that we'd talk later.

Later on, I had a doctor's appt. he had called me and I text him that I'd call him back when I got out. he asked what dr. and why? and then I told him I was going for a general checkup and to be sure that whatever I got (STD) last year was completely gone for good. He then replies back "definitely, you're going to be out their with other guys.. smart"

I didn't even entertain that thought.

Was I stupid in saying anything to him to begin with?

Am I just being impatient?