still separated, headed for D?

[gatsby11]

I forgot that about The Office. They made Roy such a douche so that the audience wouldn't care. Yeah. . .

And I bet WH DOES think that! Ha ha, just more to love about your sitch right now.

[newmama]

All of that said, I think your WH is responding well to how you've been for the past few weeks so I would keep that up until it wasn't working anymore!

Good point- I wasn't thinking of doing any flirting for awhile, but I have seen some softness in WH's eyes lately. ??? I think mine have been softening, too in the last week or so-

[courageous wife]

Just take it very slow!!! Don't want to scare him away!!!

[WhatNow]

Just take it very slow!!! Don't want to scare him away!!!

Yes^ It is about distance. I think your H is uncomfortable with the distance you have recently created so he HAS to move closer to you. If you start moving back toward him, he will need to move away! So, if you stay at this distance (or even move a bit further...or is it farther?...) he will have to move closer to you to maintain his comfort level.

Do you see a time pattern in his requests for D? It may have something more to do with his distance dance w/ OW. Just thinkin'.

[flowmom]

NM...keep the upper hand! It seems like it`s not hurting anything and possibly helping. I know your natural warmth comes through sometimes, but make sure that you`re pleasant but distant at others (because you`re so distracted by the awesomeness of your life...which doesn`t revolve around WH).

[newmama]

OK I promise to stay with the "upper hand" and keep my distance and take it slow... as for being distant, no problem because I am starting to have a fun time with my life!

Now before I tell about last night, I did do this which I really hope isn't pursuing or looking weak--here is the set up:

WH is taking S swimming which is near the house.He will be done around 12. In the past, I had told him that I can take S at 12 and he can leave.

Well I will be at my therapist's downtown office and will be gone from the house 11:15ish-1:30ish.

I told WH that I had a dr. appt. at 12. At the drop off he said "ok so you'll be back around 1?" I said "No, more like 2...maybe 1:30." Again, he looked puzzled. He has no clue where my appointment is, what it is for, or where it is.

OK SO HERE IS WHAT I DID-
Because it is his last day off for a long time, I decided it was ok if he stayed at the house with S after swim class until I returned.

Last night I sent him a text that said "I hope you know it's ok with me if you take S back to the house til I get back from the dr. I have fixins for his lunch in the fridge!"

He replied "Ok! Thank you and thanks again for meeting me in the parking lot this afternoon!"

I didn't reply.

SO I hope I didn't blow it- I was being nice and since I wasn't going to be at the house, I figured he might as well be there with S. Hey there could be a benefit- it has been a month since he has been inside. I made some changes like I slightly changed the furniture, I bought some new drinking glasses I had been eyeing for months and months, and S has a bunch of new toys. Maybe WH will feel how much he misses being in his house!

And when I return I will definitely go back to being polite but show him I want to leave- with the same body language I have been doing in the past.

So was that ok????If it was bad, I need to know that too.

[courageous wife]

NM...I think it is fine what you did but in your text, maybe you shouldn't have said "I hope you know...?"

[WhatNow]

Seemed like an ok exchange. I agree w/ CW...That may have seemed like an open invitation to come and go in the house again. Don't worry about it now tho. Keep on keepin' on!

[newmama]

Well I am back from my therapist appointment and no WH or S! I am hoping that WH interpreted my text as "for tomorrow only" and maybe since they aren't here, he did. I see no evidence of them being here either. Hmm.

I want to reflect on some things my therapist said today.

1)He said if I am still wanting to strategize to get WH to drop the D and reconcile,then he advises that I continue with the same strategy for longer before changing it up. Makes sense.He reminded me that appearing happy and confident is more attractive than sad and angry. I pointed out that it is unnatural to think someone who doesn't want the divorce is happy but he said that by this point, I have probably shown WH that I don't want it. By being happy it shows that I have accepted it and am confident to move on with my life; my happiness does not depend on him. YOu know- the same stuff MWD says!

2)When I told him that I decided to wait until S' first birthday before filing and that I would just inform WH he suggested that instead, I might want to do some temperature checking or R talk at that time and let him know that I am going to file unless he wants to R. This needs to be flushed out more...

3)I discussed how to respond to my friends who are disgusted at this point and just don't support me taking him back. He said that too much explanation on my end will sound defensive. He recommended that I thank them for all of their help and support (maybe be specific) and then say with confidence "I have my reasons."



4)At the very end, my therapist asked me if I had a history of bad treatment in other relationships. How humiliating! I have not and told him but I am so embarrassed because obviously he thinks I am allowing myself to be mistreated or something. I always say "CHOOSING" versus "ALLOWING" are 2 different things- I am not a victim, I am purposely trying to preserve my marriage! Now I didn't tell him all that but I did explain that no, but in my family I have seen histories of marriage, divorce and in the end the last husband still had issues so why nor stick with the current H I have, work on our issues and try my damndest to keep this marriage going. He said that it was noble and he understood.

[WhatNow]

Sounds like you have a good counselor! It is good to have your choices understood and to be told your plan is sound.