V1olin's new life without wife

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. I wouldn't put any stock into it as far as being any kind of turning point. The WAS wants to be friends. They want to be "the good guy" to assuage their guilt.

[v1olin]

After missing my wekend with the kids due to my illness I went to pick them up for dinner last night for my normal visitation on monday which is 4pm to 6:30pm.


The kids and I had a good time and my D2 is FINALLY going to the potty! We put underwear on her instead of diapers and she got the idea.


I got back to the house with them and it turns out that stbxw is coming down with a cold. She was still warm and inviting though so I stayed. At one point the kids were getting a little crazy so I said, "Let's go outside kids and give Mom some peace."



We went for a walk and ended up at the park. By this time it was already 7:30 so I gave stbxw a call... she was asleep on the couch and sounded run down so I told her we would be back later. She was sounded gratefull for the break.



We get back about 8pm and I ran a bath for the kids. Added some bubblebath to the water and they had a good time. Get the kids out of the bath, dressed D2, read some bedtime stories, and brushed teeth.


D8 called for me from downstairs and said, "Mom has something she wants to say." She was still lying on the couch so I went up and sat down on the coffee table right in front of her. Stbxw said, "thank you for helping out with the girls." I said it was no problem and she let her hand fall onto mine. At first she seemed to second guess that but then was fine with it because I was.?


I sent her a text today to wish her good health and to also let her know that I would call to check up on her later in the day.

She responded, "thank you, I am feeling a little better. Call me later after 3:30."



So, I guess I am coming out of the dark a little bit. Should I?

[v1olin]

Had an interesting night tonight at the last Divorce group before summer. The woman that I was seeing was there with her boys and my stbxw was there with both of our daughters. My D8 really likes my exGF.(can't think of a better term?) We only dated for 4 weeks and we are on good speaking terms now. My D8 says to her Mom, "See Mom, that's exGF right there!" as she points her out in the crowd. ExGF did seem uncomfortable because my D8 kept sitting with her and her boys so there we were, Me, stbxw, exGF, and our kids all sitting together.



Our D2 is potty training and wearing real underwear now so my stbxw was on edge. D2 would not go to the potty and stbxw was anxious that she would have an accident inside the building. We had extra shorts and underwear and she was also wearing crocks. I thought everything was cool. Everyone went outside and stbxw said to go ahead and her and D2 would catch up after going to try to potty again. After about ten minutes I decided to go inside to check on them. They were coming down the hallway and stbxw said, "Iam not having any fun at all. D2 still won't go to the potty." So I said, "Let me have her and I will make sure to take care of it." Stbxw went outside and sat on the playground bench and talked with some other women. I played with D2 on the playground until she started holding herself so I asked if she needed to potty. She said "no" and she kept holding herself. I asked her again and she said, "I have to go potty!" I picked her up and we ran to the bathroom. I sat her on the potty and she talked and laughed but no pee. She started to get down and I put her shorts back on. We went back outside and while I was holding her she pee'd on my arm and shirt!lol



I asked stbxw for the clean shorts and the other women were like, hey, uh, she is peeing RIGHT NOW on your arm! I said with a big smile, "I know, I just need the clean clothes." When stbxw and I were cleaning her up in the bathroom I told her that I tried to keep as least stressful as possible for her. She said, "I just remember that time at the childrens museum when D8(who was 2 at the time) pee'd on your leg." I said, "Did I get mad then?" She said, "yes, you were in a pretty grumpy mood all day." Then she said, "That was a MUCH better response this time." I could tell she was so releived that I did not blow my top or get in a cranky mood. I was such a downer all the time in those days and I know now how that affected her. Now, that does not mean I deserve to be cheated on but it paved the way for her to become attached to another man. One that was calmer, more confident and therfore, more attractive.


She thanked me for not getting onto a crabby mood once again before we left so I put my hand on her shoulder and just smiled. The physical contact is not bothering her at all lately.

[futureunknown]

She said, "I just remember that time at the childrens museum when D8(who was 2 at the time) pee'd on your leg." I said, "Did I get mad then?" She said, "yes, you were in a pretty grumpy mood all day." Then she said, "That was a MUCH better response this time." I could tell she was so releived that I did not blow my top or get in a cranky mood. I was such a downer all the time in those days and I know now how that affected her. Now, that does not mean I deserve to be cheated on but it paved the way for her to become attached to another man. One that was calmer, more confident and therfore, more attractive.


She thanked me for not getting onto a crabby mood once again before we left so I put my hand on her shoulder and just smiled. The physical contact is not bothering her at all lately.

Uh, v1olin, this is again sounding unbelievably similar to my sitch. Your W has obviously been noticing you, and is bringing up the past to contrast what she now sees. This is what started happening with me last fall. What were your W's issues in your M? Is she showing signs of accepting her part? Sounds to me like healing has begun.

[v1olin]

Her issues in our marriage were mostly my crabby mood, lack of motivation to do better financially, and just the feeling in general that she had to take care of everything.(her feeling, but it is true.) There may be some healing taking place in her but the only time recently that she has even hinted at having share in the mess was during our text convo a couple weeks ago.

Thanks for listening Future!

[v1olin]

Ok, because I was sick we split memorial day weekend. She had them for friday night and part of saturday. I called her on saturday at 10am to check on my pick up time. When I called D8 picked up the phone and told me they were getting ready to go to the store. Stbxw took the phone and told me they were going to pick up paint to paint D8's room. I could hear a lot of noise in the background so I offered to come pick the girls up so that she could paint without the distraction. She said that they would call when they got back.

I went about my day and got some lunch when the time came. I got a call shortly after lunch and I met her at the house. She seemed tired and not too talkative so I asked her if everything went smoothly at the hardware store. She said it was just another typical trip where the girls were fighting with each other and such. She started to clean out the room that was to be painted and so I decided to offer my help. She accepted pretty easily.

When the room was clean she mentioned being hot and how she "hates to be hot." I told her "how can I help?" ala Coach. Then she said, "you should take the girls because I think it will be hard to paint with them here." I told her that I could handle it and I set the girls up with some entertainment and snacks. We were able to paint the entire room without any big interruptions and she was a happy lady! She said at one point during painting, "it is sad that we never painted these rooms." I said, "the past is the past." I thought about better ways to handle that question afterwards but that is what came out of my mouth at the moment. We talked, laughed, painted, sweat, and just had a decent time.


After we were done she asked what time it was and I said it was 5:45. It had been 5 hours! She said, "There is a nice pizza place over by the Target if you want to meet us over there for dinner." Before I could answer she says, "I mean... if you don't have any other plans." I said dinner would be fine.


We had a nice dinner together and it ended on a very positive note. As we were walking out into the parking lot I made her laugh somehow and when she gets going she can't talk and anything I say makes her laugh even more. I miss those times for sure. It was so comfortable, she seemed to kind of linger in the parking lot before I took the kids with me.

[ClingingToHope]

All of this is interesting. She filed more than a year ago and the D is not done? What's the holdup? Do you feel these recent developments are the beginning of a friendship or perhaps a new serious R?

Just curious.

[v1olin]

The hold up at this point is the splitting of the 401k and the pension. I got an email from my lawyer on thursday that was copied to my wifes lawyer that said the final decree was incomplete because it did not include the value of the pension. I told my L back in January that I would not sign a final decree without first getting these things taken care of. So, we are extremely close to the big D being final and it does not seem to bother stbxw at all. I am starting to feel like I need to go talk to her and let her know that I am still willing to reconcile but then I dont want to lose any ground that I have gained in this emotional battle.


I don't think that W is being nice in order to trick me or anything like that. There is no reason for her to do that. We have already been through it all and now we are only waiting for the end. Divorces usually do take more than a year to complete when there are kids involved.

Here is another side note... last weeek in a moment of weekness on my part I ended up talking to her on the phone aboout work(mine and hers) for about 2 hours. The next morning I sent her this text,
"Wife, I hope you are feeling better today. I had a nice time talking to you last night. I miss you."



She DID respond with this,

"I am glad that we can still talk to each other."


Then I responded with,

"You are the mother of my daughters, we will always be able to talk. "


She responded back with,

"That's good!


A year ago a text like that would not have been responded to. She is getting better but I don't think it will end the big D.

[v1olin]

I got the revised final dec. in my email today and now I feel sick. It looks like we will sign it this we
ek after I talk to my lawyer. I want to say something to my stbxw before I sign it but then I think maybe I should be strong and just agree with it. Sign it with a smile and let it die. I don't know what to do at this point I guess that is why I am writing on here right now-looking for suggestions?

Let's take a vote!
1. Say nothing to stbxw and just sign the final dec.

2. Go visit stbxw and let her know that I do not want a divorce but if that is what she needs then I will sign.




What do you guys think?

[ClingingToHope]

Say nothing and sign. For the longest time I dreamed up some great speech that I would deliver.

But what good would it do? The decision is hers. If she shows hesitation or asks you then you can say something.

Otherwise, walk away with dignity.