I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[Truegritter]

Shel

Thanks for stopping by my thread and offering the grammer lesson on BUTs...

IMO standing is an essential part of the healing process of the LBS. You will constantly questions this throughout. At least I have up to this point.

You will ask yourself questions like "WTF am I doing this for this person?"

In the beginning we want answers.

Why did this happen?

How could they do this?
Who am I?
What do I believe in?
What do my vows mean to me?
Why do I hurt?

And the BIG ONE...

What is it about ME that made them leave?

IMO you don't get answers unless you choose to take the hard road, STAND, and go on the journey.

At first you tend to look at it as a quid pro quo- I am willing to do this for a while until I see some progress. IOW you do it EXPECTING some outcome ...

As time goes on and your expectations aren't met you question again...

It is all part to of the journey. You may even have trouble articulating why you are doing this to other people or yourself.

Then you start to look inside....

Then you start to see who YOU are...

Then you realize that this is part of YOU

What you have chosen is part of YOU and your character. So what began out of a search for answers for why and what is wrong with you. Out of hurt for what someone did to you...

You see it all has to do with who YOU are. The best part of who YOU are and then...

It is no longer about what THEY choose or why.

It is about YOU.

[ericmsant2]

True -

Great post.

Shelbel - just dropping by to say "hi". I hope you are doing well. True's post is spot on. It does end up being about YOU in the long run it is just hard to see that at this stage of the game although IMO you are much farther along than I was at this point. You are doing really good. Oh...by the way..I would have said the same thing to W (actually I did in the heat of anger), which is F**** U****

Keep being cordial and friendly with H. Realize that he is not the same person right now and chances are will never be the same - nor will you.

BTW - did you try that car bomb or are you sticking with the miller light?

Your doing well Shelbel....doing well.

God Bless,
Eric

[MHL]

Shel,
Sorry you lost those posts, I was looking at the response you had to make a list of things you were going to do for yourself before it was deleted. I hope you wrote them down, it was a good start from what I remember reading.

You also made mention that you were going to celebrate the little things....oh so important early on, I was glad to read that. I celebrate the small things all the time, little milestones. You need those little successes to get you through.
Your doing great.

[beingreal]

Thank you so much everyone!

(warning! long post ahead! you've been warned. )

True, I'm loving that post. As much as I'd like to think that I'm "doing great", I'm still very much in questioning mode. It's hard to wrap your brain around the fact that the person you love is completely out of their minds. I keep feeling like *I'm* the one who has gone nuts.

It is all part to of the journey. You may even have trouble articulating why you are doing this to other people or yourself.

Then you start to look inside....

Then you start to see who YOU are...

Then you realize that this is part of YOU

What you have chosen is part of YOU and your character. So what began out of a search for answers for why and what is wrong with you. Out of hurt for what someone did to you...

You see it all has to do with who YOU are. The best part of who YOU are and then...

It is no longer about what THEY choose or why.

It is about YOU.

Don't know why, but this part actually made me tear up.


I don't feel like I'm doing such a great job, but I hear it IRL too, so I must be doing okay. I refuse to be that person who spews hate at every turn. I am not going to put those words out there about H because it's not H, it's this brain-sucking alien pod-person.


Thanks for pointing out the importance of celebrating the little things. It is important, and I've always been like that. That was a hard learned lesson, long before I met H. He has always been more of a glass-half-empty kind of person. I'm happy living in the moment while dreaming of the future. You can't appreciate one without the other.


I'm trying to use that philosophy to help me through today--I was so pissed at him earlier today. S6 had his preschool graduation today--H didn't show. They did so well, S6 had the lead in their little play. He was so funny. Quite the thespian. So I'm talking to the teacher's aide, who is a friend of my mom's--who also was a teacher's aide before she retired. I've known this woman for a few years, so it's not like she was talking just as the aide.

We were talking and she told me that when the pod person would come to the parent teacher conferences this past year, he always managed to turn the conversation about himself, what HE was doing, how HE was feeling--it was never about S6. She said if they complimented S6, he'd take all the credit--how he'd worked on the alphabet or numbers or colors (and to be fair, he really did a lot of work with them). She said it was bizarre, but the time he just flat off pissed her off was when he started to trash me. In a parent-teacher conference! She said she redirected the conversation & just kept it to herself--but she was not happy.

I was so mad. I've heard that more than once, that he was complaining about me, usually just to our families. This is the first time I've heard it from someone not in our immediate circle. I NEVER did that to him. What a jerk. My first thought was to call him and lay into him. But what's the point? My H wouldn't have done that. He used to brag about me to his friends, he wouldn't have hurt me. The pod person doesn't care. No point in bringing it up to someone who just doesn't care. If he had, he wouldn't have done it to begin with. It's so frustrating.

I hate the pod person.

The aide did tell me that S6 seems to have blossomed the past few weeks, however. She said the first time pod-boy left S6 acted "a little weird" for a few weeks, and acted out in class. She said the past few weeks he's been happier than he's been all year. He comes in smiling, he's friendly, he's just...happy.

That made me want to cry even more. As much as this hurts, it's better for them to be away from such a toxic environment. There's no yelling, there's no name calling, there's no one belittling them. And it's making a difference.

As much as this hurts, I know, IknowIknow, that I'm doing the right thing. I can't go back to there. I can't drag them back to there. None of us deserve this. This isn't a perfect situation, but at least today I was shown that I'm doing something good for them. They will be better for this.

Of course, the more I see, the more I realize just how much work is ahead of both H & I--even if we never end up together. The fog is starting to life from my eyes & I'm starting to see just how bad things really were.

I love my babies so very much.



I did talk to pod-man today. It went something like this...

Me: Hi, you missed a great graduation today-(only meant to call and brag about S6 because S6 was there and listening to me)

Pod-man: Yeah, I'm sure I did. (obviously reacting as though I was calling to rub his face in not being there) I don't have any money for gas, I can't be at everything you know.

Me: Okay. Uh...I wanted to tell you--(cut off again)

Pod-man: Well I wanted to tell you something too! (insert rant about driving here {45 minute round trip} three times this week for Tball pictures, Tball game & this graduation. He doesn't have money for gas because he doesn't have a job. Ends by telling me to dig through the papers or my emails for the coach's name)

Me: I'm sorry, H. I gave everything to the coach like you asked. I don't have any info.

PM: Fine. I'll have to find someone who does know because I don't know what time pictures are.

Me: Okay.

PM: Did you actually want something are did you just call to yell at me?

Me: No, I really want to say something, but I can't seem to get a word in.

PM: Oh. What do you want?

Me: To tell you to start thinking of a time in July for you to take the kids for your two weeks. June is so busy with activities, and S2 & I are having surgery at the beginning of August (tonsils, both of us). School starts the third week of August so July is really the only time you'll have.

PM: Well I guess I'm going to have to figure it out. I can find some time in there. It's just really hard--I don't have an income.

Me: Okay.

PM: I can't do anything with them. I have so much work here to do. I hate living here. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! um, wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Me: Okay.

PM: I have to go. I have something I have to do.

Me: Okay. Bye.




Hmmmm.....he hates living there.

Forgive the novella here, I have one more point to make.


I was reading on another thread about the MLC going back to a point in which their emotional development was stunted, or they experienced some hurt or trauma they never really recovered from. I had thinking about how he keeps saying he doesn't have any money--or a job. Then WHY is he busting his ass for his father?? he HATES his dad! He was never there for him, always working, stingy with his money for the family, but literally gave it away to strangers. H used to talk about how much he hated his dad growing up.

Now he's living there, fixing up his house & basically doing anything his father tells him to. He's at the beck and call of a man he *hates*. He's helping his mother, too, but he adores her (and she really is a sweetheart).

But I'm seeing this whole *daddy-issue* thing in a brand new light.

Just....hmmmmm.

Thanks if you got this far.

Btw, Eric--I'm not a big Guiness fan. Have any other suggestions?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Me: Hi, you missed a great graduation today-(only meant to call and brag about S6 because S6 was there and listening to me)

I would have seen it like guilt too...

No offense Shel...just saying I can see how he would have felt that.

I would have had my son tell him about it instead.

[beingreal]

Me: Hi, you missed a great graduation today-(only meant to call and brag about S6 because S6 was there and listening to me)

I would have seen it like guilt too...

No offense Shel...just saying I can see how he would have felt that.

I would have had my son tell him about it instead.

Good idea. I hate that hindsight is 20/20.

Lesson learned. I am glad that I didn't engage further, though.

[ericmsant2]

Shelbel

I have few drink recomendations...

1) Saphire and tonic with two limes
2) If you love coconut (and I do) - then go with Malibu run, oj, cranberry and a splash of sprite.

Hell it's 90 degrees here and I now I want a drink

I've heard that more than once, that he was complaining about me, usually just to our families. This is the first time I've heard it from someone not in our immediate circle. I NEVER did that to him. What a jerk.

Yep - they can do this. I was pretty much demonized to everyone that knows us. I made the mistake of defending myself at first but guess what...the truth will always come out. Know something else...ACTIONS speak louder than words let your actions speak for you!

Also, try to limit who you discuss the issues with. The least people know the better. If you guys decide to reconcile, you do not want everyone knowing the details of what happened between you two.

I don't feel like I'm doing such a great job

Seriously, how could you be doing any better? Cut yourself some slack here. Your doing fine.

novella

FTR - I grew up in a spanish speaking home (Puerto Rican) so the use of novella brought a smile to my face. Help reaffirm that even through all of this we always have things to smile about.

Smile about this...

I love my babies so very much.

Yes you do...yes you do. So remember on the days that you feel weak and tired that you need to be strong for them..why? Cause you love your babies very much.

Finally, being the proud papa that I am...check on the pics of my littles ones on the alt.

God Bless,
Eric

[Punktmann]

Shelbel, Eric wrote to you

Very good place to be. Just remember that the forgivness is not to "help" him - it is to help you, which once again is the only thing you can control.

I couldn't agree with this more. It's difficult to describe the peace that comes with letting the anger go and forgiving. It is really essential to your own recovery.

Unfortunately it's not like a switch we can throw and be done with. You'll work hard on that and start feeling like you're doing well with it. Then either he'll do or say something to bring back the anger, or your kids will say something that breaks your heart, or some other unpleasant circumstance that derives from this will happen, and bang, you backslide back to angry, and have to start all over.

The good news is that each time, you will be less angry, and each time it will take more to make you backslide, and each time it gets a little easier to forgive.

I mention this so you don't beat yourself up when it happens.

I don't feel like I'm doing such a great job, but I hear it IRL too, so I must be doing okay.

You've picked up a lot, and faster than most.

Your phone call was a good example. You kept your cool, and didn't bite back with anger. I bet that was hard, but you did good.

The non-commital answers when he's complaining about a situation (that of course he created,) are a winner. That type of accusatory venting is an invitation to start an argument.

You'll need some variation besides "okay" though, when he recognizes that you are actively avoiding a fight, it'll set him off. I see, that's too bad, I understand, that must be frustrating.



Best,

Punktmann

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey Buddy!

[Punktmann]

Hiya Jack. I don't want to hijack, so just hey. Oh, and I've been shopping for a horse. I really miss riding.

Best,

Punkt