No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[sandi2]

Is this how it was for you when you felt depressed?

Yes, but I may have been worse, IDK. As I have described myself....I felt "dead" inside. I wanted something or someone to cause me just to feel again.

I believe whenever a person has reached that depth of depression....nothing "normal" seems to get a rise of excitement (happiness) and therefore many get off into areas they shouldn't. That's what I did.

Anyway, as I have said before, I know a lot of people refuses to take medication for depression, but they would take it for any other disease or serious health problem...and depression is a terrible thing for the entire family members to deal with.

I'm hoping as she gradually pulls up out of some this mirey mirk that you can encourage her to see a hormone specialist. Sorry if you've said, but has she admitted that she is depressed?

[MrBond]

sandi,

No she's never admitted she's depressed. She seems to have all the signs. She sleeps alot. she has no energy. Mood swings. Not happy. I've been debating to tell her sister and her Mom, but I get the feeling they're going to tell me that she's depressed because of the sitch. Of course they're not thinking that she's causing the sitch in the first place.

She hasn't done anything at all to get healthy and it seems like she is just waiting for "something" to make her happy. She does seem very much dead inside and I think the OM was like a breath of fresh air to her. I've been trying to think of how to "slap her awake" and show her that what she wants is right in front of her.

It's like she can't get happy over a certain point. Here is a relatively healthy woman who used to be fairly active and carefree. Now when I ask if she'd like to do something remotely active, she'll say 'no' and if I gently encourage it, she actually gets angry like I'm forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do.

Do you think I should just tell them anyway because I'm concerned about her?

[sandi2]

If you are on friendly terms with them and they won't think you are trying to manipulate her into going back to you, then it may not do any damage to try talking to them. They sound very protective, and as you pointed out before, they don't seem to try to talk her into reconciling. Do you ever see your SIL without your W present? If you could talk to her sister (and if they are close) she might understand more about the need for HRT or meds for depression than her mom, IDK. Is her sister older than she is? Usually they will listen to an older sister.

Your W sounds so much like I was when I got involved in EA. Feeling "dead" emotionally, sexually, no energy, etc., is sure signs and although it is no excuse for what she did.....I think I can say from my personal experience that she was trying to find something that would cause her to "feel" excitement or what she saw as "happiness". That is when she let down her guard and let in the OM. I'll bet she was like I was and had no idea how the chemistry would fool the brain into thinking it was feeling those "in-love" emotions. I wish more people were alerted about how that works.

She not only appears that she's waiting for something to come along to make her happy....but if she doesn't realize how this all really affected her and if she doesn't understand that another person can't make her happy...then she probably "is" waiting for that to happen.

If she did not seem upset when you were dating and feared you were moving on with your life, then she is really deep down in a hole of depression. If there is no emotion at all, that is bad.

Some of the AD meds just made me like a zombie instead of helping me feel normal. I didn't know what to expect from AD's then...but they should help a person feel like their old self. After finding the right AD and being on HRT.....I feel as if I have been saved from being one of the "living dead". That's why I wish she would find the right doctor and get some help.

The bad thing is that after all this time, I'm afraid she has accepted this as some kind of "normal" for her life. Having no hope or energy is enough to stop her from putting forth effort in getting herself to a doctor. Stuck, I know this all sounds so crazy, and if I had not gone through it myself....I would not believe a person wouldn't try to get better. It is a hard thing to understand. But, you have amazed me in your steadfastness. Most people would have pinched her head off by now in frustration.

"Concern' and not frustration is what you need to make sure you show her folks if you talk to them. They could be very suspicious of your intent, so don't let their attitude get the best of you if they don't want to hear you out.

if I gently encourage it, she actually gets angry like I'm forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do.

Well, yes...she does but it is b/c it is like pressure on her and she can't deal with it. I have felt as if every ounce of life has drained from my body. There were times that I felt as if something was happening to me but I didn't know what was wrong. I simply could not make myself get up and move! It's a terrible feeling to live like that. There is guilt that comes with that also, even if she doesn't show it. She "knows" she isn't being the wife & mother she use to be, but she can't seem to "will" herself into doing any more.

Sorry I have bounced around in this post. Tried to cover what you mentioned. Know I repeat myself a lot, but I guess if you get tired of it you'll tell me to hush (lol).

[MrBond]

sandi,

No this is great information. I know you've mentioned many of these things in the past and every now and then I need a reminder that I'm not going crazy.

You would think that she would have some kind of emotional reaction to "something". I mean even when I told her about her boss trying to get me fired, there was nothing. I even had to ask her if she was concerned about my job, she said "of course". But there was no reaction when it first happened.

The only reaction I see in her now is sadness. I know it's all about her, but honestly, I don't know how she can still blame it on the M, or more specifically, the feeling that she just doesn't want to be M any more.

Could it be because it would require "effort". Something she hasn't done at all?

Sometimes I wonder what she's thinking about when she's in church. I mean, can she be praying for "her" to heal when she divorces, or is she praying for the strength to divorce?

Ack, now I'm reverting back to trying to figure her out. There are times that when she has our Ds and I call to wish them goodnight, that I don't even want to hear the sound of her voice because all the anger and resentment sneaks up sometimes.

Must stop that.

[sandi2]

Does your W do much reading? I don't mean the romantic nonsense but informative reads. I'm thinking that she has to have an object to blame her unhappiness on...and all she really has (in her mind) is the M to blame. As long as she is looking for "something" to come along and make her happy, then she may not get better. That's a dreadful thought!

When I was in my very early twenties, I kept waiting for our "ship to come in".....how silly is that? But sometimes people have this type of mentality that seems more like a fantasy. I had to grow up and realize those ships only came in on TV shows.

When I was going to church during the time I was still in contact with OM, there were times I didn't do anything but just try to get through the service. When I "did" pray....it was usually two words that said "help me". We can't ever really know what is happening in another person's heart.

If there is an award for patient, you should be close to the top! I know you want to grab hold of her and yank her back into reality and that is why you tend to press her. You want her to wake up and stop messing around. You feel she is wasting life with the girls and the two of you.

I wish I knew what you could do. Sometimes a sense of loss or shock will snap a person out of MLC or WAW syndrome. However, if she is that deep in depression that nothing seems to move her...then I don't know that loss or shock would snap her out but rather push her down further.

God, I wish she'd get herself to a HRT doctor.

[any chance?]

Mr Bond and Sandi2:
Sorry to hear of your struggles, MrBond, my heart goes out to you. I am in a somewhat similar sitch, with a very depressed W who is very unhappy and focussed on D as a way to get out of her depression. She sounds very much like your W and the Sandi2 of long ago, and I am equally puzzled how to deal with the sitch.

I have a question for the two of you. I just left on a 2.5 week business trip, and am planning on NC during that time. Unlike your W, my W admits to major depression and is on some serious meds. I am concerned about dropping the rope and going NC during this time, as I recognize she is very depressed, has been for quite a while, and there is no end in sight. I fear that I might drive her deeper into depression, instead of having her recognize what she is losing through D. I have been there as a friend for her throughout, but think that I need to do something different like NC/LRT to change the momentum, but is this wise with a deeply depressed W?

Don't mean to hijack your thread, so I apologise for the question. I am simply looking for advice from those with similar experience.

Thoughts are with you, MrBond. Thanks much.

[MrBond]

sandi,

My W doesn't do any reading accept for her text book that's she's studying to get ready for a Nursing exam. She pretty much just watches tv. The worst thing is that her favorite show is Gray's Anatomy where all the doctors sleep around with their nurses. And the nurses are shown as fawning all over the doctors whom they put on pedestals and sleep with them.

I think she puts herself in their shoes and sees how "wonderful" it would be.

This morning I got up early and wrote a quick note to my MIL since she was coming over to watch my youngest. I briefly wrote about how I am still committed to the relationship and that I don't expect her to understand, but it is something I feel is the right thing to do. I told her that I love and respect her and her daughter very much and that I believed it was the right thing to do for my family.

I'm not really expecting them to support me or anything, but I just wanted her to know that I'm still in this.

What do you think?

[MrBond]

anychance,

No problem at all. If your W recognizes she is depressed, then I wouldn't focus on that. Instead show her how wonderful LIFE is and have her make the decision if she wants to join it or not. You have to really push the idea of LIFE into overdrive so she can see it.

Here's an analogy. She's standing in a dark hole. She knows she's in a hole. She's not happy, but is fine with staying in the dark. She doesn't need you to remind her she's in the hole. She doesn't need people REMINDING her she's in a hole (that's what the therapist is for). She needs someone outside of the hole to shine a light into the shaft so she can see there's a way out. While in the hole, she might here someone laughing above and having fun. When she hears and gets glimpses of what exists outside the hole, she may get curious and want to peek out.

She'll peek out, then retreat back into the hole where it's safe. You need to continue to draw her out of the hole with light.

Detach your emotions but not your concern for her. You do your own thing and invite her, but you don't push. It's up to her if she's going to have fun or not.

It's a slow and long process, but the fact that she realizes she has a problem is a great first step.

[papayachic]

MrBond I have no advice as I am very new to DB'ing but wanted to say I admire your strength. I admire your dedication. I admire your love.

I will pray for you when I say my prayers. Actually, I will pray for all us posters on here!

[MrBond]

papayachic,

Thanks! I have to say that you've exhibited much more strength than I did when I was in this sitch in the same time frame you've been in.

All I can say is to keep reading the different posts. You'll see you're not alone and that you can get through this.

There are times I want to grab men like your H and beat the crap out of them and show them how idiotic they're acting. But I've found more often times than not that they usually self-destruct on their own.