MLCer or addicted infidel?

[WhatNow]

I have never thought of myself as controlling, I was just stating my boundaries, and wondering why people crossed them so often.

Then I read this post by Puppy Dog tails this morning:

There's a subtle -- but yet HUGE -- difference between "ultimatums" and "boundaries."

From my own personal archives (adapt as needed to fit sitch):

The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."

If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."

Example:

"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING

"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY

"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING

"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY

"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING

"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY

Make sense?

It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."

Puppy
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen

Duh... Light bulb moment...I really want to work on HOW I say things.

I try to be direct and honest, which sometimes comes across as insensitive. IDK. Any feedback??