He called you controlling any truth to that? Do you like that about yourself?
Far too much truth. I've discovered that my personal insecurities manifested as a need to control just about everything around me, and I disguised it and justified it by convincing myself I was 'helping' or 'fixing' or just 'better at that' than H.
I've gone back far enough to discover that the insecurity stems from me being a shy kid in an alcoholic home (distant emotionally unavailable father) who then became the victim of a bully at school from grade 1 through grade 8. It first manifested itself as promiscuity in high school/college (I could control by using sex and I felt wanted/needed) which then backfired on what little shred of self esteem I had left when I ended up feeling used, empty and discarded. Add to that a realization that my Mom had no control in her life/marriage and you have a perfect storm for a budding control freak!
I met H (and he was soooo different than the other guys/men I was attracting with my behaviour etc - had only been with a couple of women, one other long term relationship - and NOW this is one of his regrets of course!) and our disfunction was perfectly matched. H also grew up in an alcoholic home and took on his mother's 'NO confrontation at any cost' mentality, along with his laid back attitude ... I wanted someone to manage, and he wanted someone to manage him. Add in here that I am the oldest of 5 kids and he's the second youngest of 8 ... and well, there you go.
I HATE it about myself and I have made major strides in conquering that beast. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning that attempting to control everything and everyone actually hurt my self esteem because I now feel like H and friends etc are not really attrated to me, but are there because I MADE them be there. I only want people in my life that are CHOOSING to be there which is what helped me finally agree to the separation. H needs to get out in order to CHOOSE to come back. And in order for us to possibly make it through this labrynth, ultimately he has to CHOOSE me and our family. Any other way would ultimately be seen as me convincing him, or controlling him and would blow up in our faces at some time in the future.
The other side of the control thing, is the lack of control I've had over my emotionally driven behaviour. I was the consumate REACTOR instead of RESPONDER. This is a 180 I've already been really successful with. 6 mos ago I would have been the epitome of the Carrie Underwood video where she's slashing tires and pitching stuff on the front lawn. I got angry (no name calling or meanness, but remember he is extreemly sensitive to conflict) when something did not go the way I wanted to. I personalized a lot of his behaviour and attached far too much of me to what he did or said.
The new me is calm, responsible for my own behaviour and not attached to his, much more laid back and fun. Oh, how I missed being fun
How's that for real? PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
