And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[PEI]

Hey Jack ... fair enough ...

I've been thinking about the PA angle and something I read something somewhere (HBs thread maybe???) about only finding out what you could handle or deal with at any given time was a blessing. If I'd found out about a PA any earlier, or discovered them together etc, I would have lost it and we'd be done. Now that I understand MLC a bit better (I say a bit because who ever REALLY understands it other than to understand there is NO understanding ) I like to think that I would still be in a place where I would be able to continue to love my H unconditionally and be willing to consider forgiveness and moving forward. Not sure as I'm not there yet. And just for the record, I am rather wide-eyed but I'm no wool headed naif

Now re the 'accidental finding' ... I honestly didn't see the EA coming ... even defended him to my IC and my best friend when they told me there was probably someone else clouding his vision, so it's true that I was NOT snooping or looking around for stuff because I completely trusted that it was NOT an issue (this was before I figured out that the man I was now dealing with an alien and not my husband!). I moved his sweater and his phone actually fell out of the pocket and since he hadn't shut down his texting outbox the message was right there on the screen to see. I was dumbfounded and didn't snoop any farther - I just called her and then calmly confronted him. Oh, and FYI, he doesn't believe me either but hey, what can I say!

Now don't get me wrong ... this set off a firestorm of snooping and spying!!! I tried to hack his facebook and email accounts, started watching his cell phone records online etc. I was even starting to consider a key logger when he caught on and cut me off from his phone records. I never successfully hacked his accounts so I don't have any email records or anything - thank God! The more I read, the more I realize that in order go forward at some potential point in the future, I do not want details! So once we decided to separate I stopped trying and decided that right now I need to focus on me and stop spending so much time obsessing about who he's talking to and for how long etc (thank you DB coach Cheryl ). Now, thanks to Puppy, I understand how important a transparency plan etc is should we decide to move forward together but since that's not where we are I've shifted my focus and let it go for now.

In May, when I discovered the email addy I didn't know about, it was because it came up in the list of possible usernames in facebook when I clicked on the username box ... I never actually got into (nor did I try!) the account or saw any emails or anything. I just had never seen the address before, so I called him.

I'm not worried about trying to show myself in the best light ... you can't help or give advice if I'm not real ... and that's a huge part of the work I've done in the last 3-4 mos. Getting real. It hurts and it's an ugly process but the rewards are sweet!

Thanks for making sure I was keepin' it real
PEI