Why do I still feel like this?

[smileuk]

Married 25 years, 5 grown up kids.

My h left 2 1/2 years ago as he was unhappy with our r and felt that he would be happier on his own. We had been leading increasingly separate lives and I struggled to cope with the kids growing up and became depressed as I found it difficult to define myself as an individual after so many years being a mum. He's subsequently become involved with my ex best friend although I suspect that this relationship started before he left.

I've been successful in GAL and have moved to a place where I'm happy and content. I've worked on myself so I'm no longer the depressed and unconfident woman that he left. My outlook has changed from being negative to looking forward to the future. I'll be fine on my own and wouldn't rule out the possibility of meeting someone new in the future.

So the position now: I've filed as I was fed up with being in limboland. Over the past 2 1/2 years he's gradually distanced himself from me, first not coming into the house, then not inviting me to his family events, now he has trouble looking me in the eye. He has said that after the D he wants nothing more to do with me. He wants to conduct the D by email correspondence only. The gradual withdrawal has been the hardest to bear which is why I drew a line and filed.

At times it seems like I've let go better than him. I'm calmer in any dealings that I have with him. There still seems to be a bitterness about him, I doubt if he's acknowledged his part in the breakdown, he told me that it was mainly my fault. I know that he can see my changes but if anything this has made him more resentful - maybe he feels that if I can get better now why didn't I when we were together?

However he's still my H and I still love him. I've probably got about 6 months left on this M and would like to use that time to DB to the max!

I've got DR and have read it cover to cover.

Any thoughts/suggestions would be most appreciated.

[newmama]

Hi smileuk,
Hmm. You ARE GALing and you said you are content. Are you sure you want him back (now)?

maybe he feels that if I can get better now why didn't I when we were together?

You could be right- I have read others' threads where their spouses expressed these thoughts. BUT I bet he can't help but be attracted/drawn to you at the same time, right?

So you say he has withdrawn...have you done any pursuing during these 2.5 years? When was the last time you tried? Are you interested in cautiously reaching out, even a baby step? What are your thoughts/fears about this idea?

[smileuk]

hi newmama

thanks for the reply.

Yes I am happy and content, life is generally good. But there's still a nagging bit of my brain that says we're doing the wrong thing and should be working towards reconciliation and not D. I sometimes wish it would shut up and let me be!

I don't think he's either attracted or drawn. I've noticed him looking at my quizzically a few times when we've been together, never on our own though there's always one or another of the kids about.

He says he's in love with OW and wants no more to do with me.

As for pursuing not sure what counts. About a year ago one of the kids needed a quiet place to study so went to live with him for a few months. I suggested that to give her quiet he move in with me and we have a final go at repairing our M. I didn't even get a reply. Too pursuing maybe?

At christmas I asked him if he wanted to join us for dinner, he declined saying that it was no longer appropriate that we do 'family' things together. Same thing at his parents 60th wedding anniversary early this year - I was hurt I've known them for 30 years.

Whenever he picks up the kids for something I'm smiley but am aware that he's uncomfortable so try and give space.

I think I maybe answering my own question here. I've always tried to engage him in family events, one of the things he complained about before he left was that I never put him first by lumped him in with all the kids and treated them the same (it was the only way I could cope with 5 kids in 7years). Maybe I should ask him to do something just the two of us? i did ask him to do that when he first left and it was always a disaster he was so angry with me that we always ended up rowing. But maybe nows the time to have another go?

Anyone got any idea how I can approach this without looking too desperate and pursuing?

[newmama]

Smile, I am so sorry but when I first read your post, I accidentally skipped over this line:

He's subsequently become involved with my ex best friend although I suspect that this relationship started before he left.

This really changes my opinion...It has been 2.5 years, you filed for D, and you say he is becoming increasingly withdrawn. Yikes, I think you just go through with it quickly. Because what will change in the next 6 months? He is not showing ambivalence....Then you will be able to move on.

This is not to say that he is going to end up with OW because we all know the odds on that happening! And from what I read, it is very common for the WS to return to the BS but can take up to 2-5 years!!!!!

I don't recommend any pursuing especially if he is not showing any signs of interest.

Have you started dating yet?

Oh- and other people will probably reply to you on Monday!

[june72]

I agree with NM. No pursueing! And file the D now. Another six months will not change things.

He will come to probably regret this but I think you have lived in limbo long enough and he has not shown any signs of wavering.

So sorry.

His loss, plus how could he possibly expect your undivided attention with 5 kids in 7 years? Foolish and selfish, IMO.

Live happily- it's the best revenge.

[smileuk]

Hi both of you

Thanks for the comments. I was my initial thought not to pursue but with the D filed I did feel that this was my last chance and wondered whether to try dipping my toe in and ask to see him. But you’re right it would not help at all.

I’m doing fine and agree with you june living happily is the best revenge.

Anyway the GAL activities have livened up, I’m off to New York tomorrow. Which I think he resents deeply and kicked off the whole money issues which led to me file.

I’ve got to put the house on sale which is good I can move back home to London and get a fresh start.

Newmama – I’ve had one or two dates but my hearts not really been in it. Maybe I’ll feel more like when I’m D. There’s not a great load of men who are interested in middle aged women with 5 kids!!

I truly want to give my M the best chance and try everything before the D is finalized, I want to be able to honestly say I’ve given it my best shot. And against all the evidence; the anti-smiley vibes from my H and the OW still feel that there should be something else I can do. Not sure what – any ideas?

[newmama]

The only thing I can think of is:

showing him that you are moving on with confidence- if he feels afraid to lose you he might want to give your R another chance

seriously-bring a fella around, have the kids report to him about the nice man that Mommy met.

How old are your kids?

[smileuk]

He does know about the couple of dates I’ve been on the first time he was taken aback according to the kids. As for the other times, who knows? I don’t tell him, not sure if the kids do and if they do, they don’t tell me what his reaction is.

I think he’s stopping wondering about me and is totally in love with OW, someone who I considered a very close friend and who we’ve known for 20 years – yuck. I hate the thought of bumping into them in town although they must hide I’ve not seen her for nearly 2 years although their R has apparently only been going on for 1.

The ‘kids’ are 24,23,21,19 and 18 phew!

[newmama]

The ‘kids’ are 24,23,21,19 and 18 phew!

WELL GOODNESS SAKES! We need to get the men's opinion to back me up, but when you said who would want a middle aged woman with 5 kids, I figured you meant they were all still in the house! (I guess they could be- but they are independent at least right?)

You have no reason to be wary of dating Smile! Puleeeease! :-)

Ok I hope others will chime in. And I am not saying dating is the answer- we don't need to always go out and find a romantic companion to make us feel better- but I just think it will make your H jealous! Haha!

[smileuk]

Hi NM

Some are some aren't but you're right they're not really holding me back.

I get attention from guys but it's more the buddy type of thing, watching games and having a beer rather than dinner and flowers.

Completely forgotten how to do the flirty stuff!