WAH and LBW separated and dark

[AJM]

yes, i remember why i married him. i remember why i fell in love with him.
i have every birthday card, anniversary card, etc.
but that was all a sham. look at what has become of him.
never in a million years did i think he'd ever hurt me like this.
i was so stupid.

Stupid? No you weren't and it was not a sham; you can't be fooled that easily. Time to stop thinking like that and really examine yourself. What I'm getting at is this: if you were stupid, then you got what you deserved. But I don't think you were stupid. I think things were different then. They may be again.

he's not easy to be with someone like him.

What? Now? or always?

the thing i can't get out of my head (besides the unfound infidelity) is the fact that he will always look at me and think that i'm money hungry.

Don't let his thoughts get in your head. He doesn't define your worth. You do. Unless and until you figure that out, nobody else will truly see your value either. And if they try to tell you otherwise, it won't be true. You have to see the value before others will.

all i ask is. please don't encourage me to find someone else or work on myself for the next person because i've already said that i wouldn't do this again.

Ok. Deal. Work on yourself for YOU. Nobody else.

and yes, i do think i've been 'devalued' after having 'gave' myself away to my h. i wish i had saved myself for the right person. instead, i gave myself to this monster who ended up kicking me to the curb.

You did save yourself for the right person. That person changed. You may have as well. Try looking at this differently - from the outside. Did you really make a mistake? Are you really that blind? Are you really stupid after all? I don't think so. I think you are in pain. I think you are angry. I think you are confused and have low self-esteem right now. Guess what - that's what you keep saying about him. Easy to see what other people have a problem with but harder to admit our own self. This is not abnormal in this forum.... Check the archives and you'll see lots of the same in the beginnings. It changes. It once was different and will be again. You have to change your perspective and I suggest you start by being more positive even if you do not feel like it. It will take time but you can do it. There are many ways to rebuild your self-esteem, but don't wait to get started. Keep trying various things until you can. You'll be thinking about things for a long time anyway. Think about more positive things in your life. Maybe start with a list of at least 20 things you like about you. Another list of 20 things that are positive in your life right now. Keep those lists. You'll want to come back to them later

AJ