My Husband Just Left Me

[Ready2Change]

Hey everyone! I was able to get a little more sleep last night.

Good to hear. Sleep, nutrition and exercise are all VERY important right now.

I tried to venture outside my house yesterday evening because I needed to have new tires put on my car and I was breaking down left and right. I know (hopefully?) this will pass but even doing simple things are difficult right now.

Did you get out?

I need some advice. I'm pretty sure WH is going to contact me in the next couple days. When he came over on Sunday I wasn't able to process anything and told him we would need to discuss it later. He said he would call me later in the week.

Perfect. Let it all his calls go to voice mail. Projecting: YOU ARE TOO BUSY...... This gives you time to listen, get our input then RESPOND appropriately...

Based on Sunday he was moving full steam ahead already - telling me he wanted to put the house on the market right away, get a mediator, etc.

I did not stand in MsR2C's way, but did not HELP her move forward with her decision.

..I just want to make sure the things I'm saying to him aren't SPEEDING up that process...

You can choose to say as little as possible. Listen and validate:

"I can understand why you feel this way"
"It must be hard to feel that way"
"I am sorry you feel that way"
"I need time to think about what you are saying"
"I see"

You can choose to "BE BUSY GOING SOMEPLACE":

"I only have a minute" listen, and keep moving away, get in the car etc....

as I obviously don't want this and think it would be good if we were separated and he had more time to internalize what he is doing to his life.

You can choose to VALIDATE and SUPPORT his decision. The thought process is "You don't want to be with me, FINE. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Get your things and get out"

Things I'm concerned/need help with:
-Thursdays I usually go into the office (I WFH all other days). I am scared WH is going to come while I'm gone and get all of his things.

DO NOT LET FEAR CONTROL YOU.

1) I'm not even sure I will be able to physically go into the office at this point but if I am, would this be good because this would be a sign of GAL?

GAL is doing things that YOU enjoy and make YOU happy.

2) Or should I stay home and work so he is less likely to come get things so it gives him a few more days (hopefully) to think about things

You both need time and space away from each other. Accept this and do not try and CONTROL this process.

-When he calls, should I answer? I actually don't really want to answer because I don't really want to answer his questions.

You have your answer. DO NOT ANSWER. All his calls go to VM. All his "WE NEED TO TALK" get a RESPONSE of "Don't have time right now, Bye!"

If I don't answer and he leaves a message should I call him back?

NO. Post his VM here, and we will help create a RESPONSE that can be sent via EMAIL or TM....

-When I eventually do have to speak with WH and he asks me questions. I need to be prepared to answer the following:

Yes, having your answers beforehand helps.

1) WH: I want to put the house on the market right away, etc.
What I think I should say: I would like to stay in the house and do not feel comfortable putting on the market

If you want to and can afford the house on your own, great answer....

2) WH: Are you going to keep me on your health insurance and legal plan? What I think I should say: I believe in our marriage so I'm unable to keep you on the legal plan but I do care about your health and well being so I will keep you on the health insurance

"I have decided to XYZ" is a good way to state things.

IF HE ASKS about legal:
"I decided to remove you from the legal plan"

IF HE ASKS about health"
"I care about you and your well being so I decided it is important to keep you on the health insurance"

3) WH: Do you want to meet with a mediator? What I think I should say: I actually don't know what to say to this at all. I don't want a mediator or a lawyer.

Have you ever noticed how politicians AVOID answering the question and push their agenda?

"I know for certain that I never want to be in this position again. I want to meet with someone that can help me understand what went wrong and how to avoid repeating the same patterns in the future. "

4) WH: Did you meet with a lawyer? Me: I had a phone call with a lawyer to understand a few things. I did not retain a lawyer.

Did you MEET with a lawyer:
The best answer is "NO".

Did you TALK with a layer:
The best answer is "YES"

Do you have a lawyer:
The best answer is "NO"

Do you know what time it is?
The best answer is "YES" or "NO".
Other choices that you should avoid:
"I think it is around 5:40 bla bla bla......." (TO MUCH INFO)
"6:37" (You are not answering THE QUESTION ASKED)
"let me see....."

-I also have a difficult time with being seeming "happy" and "busy" without appearing cold.

Sounds like a good place to do some personal work. Be "happy and warm" and be "busy and warm".

As I said WH is very literal. Right now the goal is to get him to slow down and think about the possibility of reconciliation so I don't want to push him away. Any thoughts on this?

Avoid him. let him miss you. When you see him, PROJECT HAPPY. PROJECT CONFIDENT. PROJECT all the new changes......

HUGS