Day by day I know it will get better. I am trying to take very long deep breaths when I start panicking and freaking out. I think I should give myself several days to think about any moves I should make in terms of decisions (ex: bank account). I just think it would be better if I thought about things more instead of reacting over emotion.
I am in contact with his mother. I have said that I am concerned for his well being and just think that he is on a self sabatoging path. I didn't really go into detail but I think I'm going to back off there. Probably wasn't the right thing to say in the first place but I can't go back. There have only been a few emails. Future communications I will try not to even mention WH and just have more chit chat about what's new with me and what's new with her, etc.
Luckily, all the bills pretty much are on automatic (which is why I hesitate to go moving everyhting around because its a good system for now).
Also, I wanted to say thank you to everyone. I seriously don't know what I would do without this message board. I have told three close friends and my parents about what is happening but none of them have been through a seperation or divorce so they are being as supportive as possible.
It means so much to see words of encouragement and hear other stories of people going through the same thing. I have so much shame. Even though I wasn't the one that left I still feel embarrassed.
What I focus my attention on changes my moods.....
If I need to calm down and relax, I just think pleasant thoughts.
One example:
Right now, think about something in your past that was pleasurable. Keep thinking about it and remember how nice it felt. Keep doing this and FEEL the good feelings....I easily relax when doing this.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hey everyone! I was able to get a little more sleep last night. I tried to venture outside my house yesterday evening because I needed to have new tires put on my car and I was breaking down left and right. I know (hopefully?) this will pass but even doing simple things are difficult right now.
I need some advice. I'm pretty sure WH is going to contact me in the next couple days. When he came over on Sunday I wasn't able to process anything and told him we would need to discuss it later. He said he would call me later in the week.
Based on Sunday he was moving full steam ahead already - telling me he wanted to put the house on the market right away, get a mediator, etc. I know everyone says they move slower than they say they will but I just want to make sure the things I'm saying to him aren't SPEEDING up that process as I obviously don't want this and think it would be good if we were seperated and he had more time to internalize what he is doing to his life. This was also what the DB coach said that right now we need to get him to slow down.
Things I'm concerned/need help with: -Thursdays I usually go into the office (I WFH all other days). I am scared WH is going to come while I'm gone and get all of his things. 1) I'm not even sure I will be able to physically go into the office at this point but if I am, would this be good because this would be a sign of GAL? 2) Or should I stay home and work so he is less likely to come get things so it gives him a few more days (hopefully) to think about things
-When he calls, should I answer? I actually don't really want to answer because I don't really want to answer his questions. If I don't answer and he leaves a message should I call him back?
-When I eventually do have to speak with WH and he asks me questions. I need to be prepared to answer the following: 1) WH: I want to put the house on the market right away, etc. What I think I should say: I would like to stay in the house and do not feel comfortable putting on the market 2) WH: Are you going to keep me on your health insurance and legal plan? What I think I should say: I believe in our marriage so I'm unable to keep you on the legal plan but I do care about your health and well being so I will keep you on the health insurance 3) WH: Do you want to meet with a mediator? What I think I should say: I actually don't know what to say to this at all. I don't want a mediator or a lawyer. I just want him to slow down and give it some god damn time! 4) WH: Did you meet with a lawyer? Me: I had a phone call with a lawyer to understand a few things. I did not retain a lawyer.
-I also have a difficult time with being seeming "happy" and "busy" without appeearing cold. As I said WH is very literal. Right now the goal is to get him to slow down and think about the possibility of reconciliation so I don't want to push him away. Any thoughts on this?
I think your potential answers are great. Perhaps you should stay home for now. If not for being there in case he comes to get his stuff, but I think you need a week to settle yourself. I remember how emotional I was that first week or two. Let him know that you need time to process everything. He has had that time already, but you need to catch up.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hey everyone! I was able to get a little more sleep last night.
Good to hear. Sleep, nutrition and exercise are all VERY important right now.
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I tried to venture outside my house yesterday evening because I needed to have new tires put on my car and I was breaking down left and right. I know (hopefully?) this will pass but even doing simple things are difficult right now.
Did you get out?
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I need some advice. I'm pretty sure WH is going to contact me in the next couple days. When he came over on Sunday I wasn't able to process anything and told him we would need to discuss it later. He said he would call me later in the week.
Perfect. Let it all his calls go to voice mail. Projecting: YOU ARE TOO BUSY...... This gives you time to listen, get our input then RESPOND appropriately...
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Based on Sunday he was moving full steam ahead already - telling me he wanted to put the house on the market right away, get a mediator, etc.
I did not stand in MsR2C's way, but did not HELP her move forward with her decision.
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..I just want to make sure the things I'm saying to him aren't SPEEDING up that process...
You can choose to say as little as possible. Listen and validate:
"I can understand why you feel this way" "It must be hard to feel that way" "I am sorry you feel that way" "I need time to think about what you are saying" "I see"
You can choose to "BE BUSY GOING SOMEPLACE":
"I only have a minute" listen, and keep moving away, get in the car etc....
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as I obviously don't want this and think it would be good if we were separated and he had more time to internalize what he is doing to his life.
You can choose to VALIDATE and SUPPORT his decision. The thought process is "You don't want to be with me, FINE. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Get your things and get out"
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Things I'm concerned/need help with: -Thursdays I usually go into the office (I WFH all other days). I am scared WH is going to come while I'm gone and get all of his things.
DO NOT LET FEAR CONTROL YOU.
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1) I'm not even sure I will be able to physically go into the office at this point but if I am, would this be good because this would be a sign of GAL?
GAL is doing things that YOU enjoy and make YOU happy.
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2) Or should I stay home and work so he is less likely to come get things so it gives him a few more days (hopefully) to think about things
You both need time and space away from each other. Accept this and do not try and CONTROL this process.
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-When he calls, should I answer? I actually don't really want to answer because I don't really want to answer his questions.
You have your answer. DO NOT ANSWER. All his calls go to VM. All his "WE NEED TO TALK" get a RESPONSE of "Don't have time right now, Bye!"
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If I don't answer and he leaves a message should I call him back?
NO. Post his VM here, and we will help create a RESPONSE that can be sent via EMAIL or TM....
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-When I eventually do have to speak with WH and he asks me questions. I need to be prepared to answer the following:
Yes, having your answers beforehand helps.
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1) WH: I want to put the house on the market right away, etc. What I think I should say: I would like to stay in the house and do not feel comfortable putting on the market
If you want to and can afford the house on your own, great answer....
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2) WH: Are you going to keep me on your health insurance and legal plan? What I think I should say: I believe in our marriage so I'm unable to keep you on the legal plan but I do care about your health and well being so I will keep you on the health insurance
"I have decided to XYZ" is a good way to state things.
IF HE ASKS about legal: "I decided to remove you from the legal plan"
IF HE ASKS about health" "I care about you and your well being so I decided it is important to keep you on the health insurance"
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3) WH: Do you want to meet with a mediator? What I think I should say: I actually don't know what to say to this at all. I don't want a mediator or a lawyer.
Have you ever noticed how politicians AVOID answering the question and push their agenda?
"I know for certain that I never want to be in this position again. I want to meet with someone that can help me understand what went wrong and how to avoid repeating the same patterns in the future. "
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4) WH: Did you meet with a lawyer? Me: I had a phone call with a lawyer to understand a few things. I did not retain a lawyer.
Did you MEET with a lawyer: The best answer is "NO".
Did you TALK with a layer: The best answer is "YES"
Do you have a lawyer: The best answer is "NO"
Do you know what time it is? The best answer is "YES" or "NO". Other choices that you should avoid: "I think it is around 5:40 bla bla bla......." (TO MUCH INFO) "6:37" (You are not answering THE QUESTION ASKED) "let me see....."
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-I also have a difficult time with being seeming "happy" and "busy" without appearing cold.
Sounds like a good place to do some personal work. Be "happy and warm" and be "busy and warm".
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As I said WH is very literal. Right now the goal is to get him to slow down and think about the possibility of reconciliation so I don't want to push him away. Any thoughts on this?
Avoid him. let him miss you. When you see him, PROJECT HAPPY. PROJECT CONFIDENT. PROJECT all the new changes......
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
As far as the house is concerned I dont believe if I stayed in the house that he would stop contributing to it. I obviously don't know this for sure but I don't want to just say "Yeah, sure let's put it on the market" becuase he might not pay.
His attitude so far has been odd. When he came over on Sunday it's almost as if he felt guilty. He wanted to take a shower, asked if he could fold the laundry. He said it hurt him to see me in pain. At least I feel like somewhere in his mind there is confusion otherwise, why would he even bother asking those things.
He keeps saying he wished he hated me because it would make it easier. He says he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore.
Because of this I just don't think he would stop contributing. If it came to that I would get a roommate. I'm not going to sell the house... if it goes down the line he can get something legal that says we have to do that but for now I think my answer was okay.
As far as going into work - I'm going to go if I think I can make it through the day without crying every 30 minutes. If not, I don't think I should go in. I don't really want to tell my co-workers or boss what is going on right now.
As far as the house is concerned I don't believe if I stayed in the house that he would stop contributing to it.
I am confused. Could you restate this.
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I obviously don't know this for sure but I don't want to just say "Yeah, sure let's put it on the market" becuase he might not pay.
You are absolutely right. If he wants to sell, you can assume all later, but no need to worry about that yet. "I see many other options. Right now, I do not want to sell our house."
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He keeps saying he wished he hated me because it would make it easier. He says he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore.
WHAT NEEDS is he getting from these OW....Can you meet them?
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As far as going into work - I'm going to go if I think I can make it through the day without crying every 30 minutes. If not, I don't think I should go in. I don't really want to tell my co-workers or boss what is going on right now.
I am sorry you have to go through this. Feel all the feelings and let the tears flow. DOING THIS AWAY FROM H is the important part.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ready2Change. When I said "As far as the house is concerned I don't believe if I stayed in the house that he would stop contributing to it." I was commenting on your previous reponse about my house response where you said "if you can afford it then that is a good answer."
I basically don't think he would take away support at least not now. He seemed confused or at least his actions indicate that - at least to me unless I am reading too much into it.
As far the other woman thing. I think this has multiple reasons that I don't completely understand. I think part of it is probably thrill seeking - kind of like he does with ganmbling and drinking. I also think that after he had the affair I think he started to compare our relationship to the feelings he had during the affair. I also think my weight plays a part. I am working on losing weight - I know for sure I wil feel better about myself and I think he will notice that.
Like I said, the first 6-7 years of our relationship were great - we were very in love and had great sex.. Right before we got married things changed a bit and then got dramatically wrse almost overnight. I wish he could remember the good times and see that we never learned the tools to move forward productiively.
I can't move forward with the way things were and he obviously can't either but I believe it can change. My hope is to at least get to a place where he will consider counseling while we are seperated and I would want to do the DB telephone sessions. I think we need something intensive and to the point. We have been in counseling on two seperate occassions (several months each time) and I never felt like we truly resolved anything and I didn't feel like we really learned new skills. Certain things would get better and other things would stay the same.
