Won't leave OW

[newmama]

If he cheats and you introduce no consequences, the affair will run longer. The sooner you attack the affair head on like this the easier it will be to end. The longer he's connected with her the tougher the fight will be to get him to walk away from her.

This is very true. If you read on the female threads around here, there are some (including me) whose Hs have been in affairs for 1-3 years and they are still not divorced...but the H is still in the affair! So consequences are very necessary to speed up the end of the affair. I just started to apply harsher consequences in the last month but it could be too little too late.

I feel he is trying to still get the emotional support from me. I feel i can't make an ultimatim about he A at this stage.

Ultimatums don't usually work well for immediate results...in several cases you will see the H gets pressured and runs to the OW. BUT if you can cut off your emotional support, I think that is your best move at this point!

I would arrange a visitation schedule (has that been done yet?),set boundaries where the only communication between the 2 of you is about your child, look up information on divorce or consult a lawyer (just so you have that knowledge because it is very empowering although scary), and figure out what you will do with your life if you divorced (it will give you strength which will scare your H).

Come here to get suggestions on how to word what you will say to H when you tell him, essentially, that he will pick up and drop off your child during this separation. Don't give him emotional support! Treat him like a neighbor but don't invite him in!

No matter what path you chose, I suppose, you need to make taking care of yourself a priority since there is no M to work on while one spouse is in an A.

Based on others' stories (and my own) MC will probably be useless while your H is having an affair. But if your MC is a family therapist like Allen recommends, perhaps that will yield a different result. Most MCs have little knowledge with how to deal with infidelity it seems! SERIOUSLY!!!

The tool is to be the walk away spouse from your H- like you are just going about your life, quietly confident that he will be back. By withdrawing emotional support and by putting boundaries in place, he will respect you more and this causes you to be attractive. There is a lot more to this whole thing...it is very hard and no guarantees. But at least you can feel like you did everything you could to bust the affair.