Nothing fits

[mishka422]

So are you saying that having fear and finding ways past those fears is not acceptable? I shouldn't tell him how I am feeling when he asks but suck it up like I always have and allow it to consume me?

I didn't blame him for my feelings. I didn't tell him he WAS doing what the dark side of my mind thought he was doing. I was very specific with him that this was about my own insecurities. He can choose to understand that or play the victim himself.

No, there is no way to completely forget what has happened in the past, nor should I. That doesn't mean I'm holding any of it over his head. His past actions do not dictate the future and I don't consider him to be a bad guy, only a bad decision maker. I don't perceive him treating me like sh*t. I actually see him treating me better than he ever did. Honestly, that scares me too. Is it for real? I like to think it is, but I have learned not to trust blindly anymore. Trust is earned and built over time and that has not happened yet but we are working on it.

Being responsible for my own happiness also requires me to speak up when something hurts me. It requires that I be deliberate in my speech and actions and not expect Gabe to 'just know'.

Reconciliation is a LONG way off. If it comes to that, wonderful! If not, then I will have learned a lot more about myself and how to go forward in confidence that I will be ok.