I think I missed some posts here. I didn't see the ones from Canadian Kid or the responses to him about what I had said. So, if OIN will be patient with me, I would like to address some things CK said.
Quote:
I appreicate Sandi2's willingness to be open and her insight into the mind of the WAW. I am, however; infuriated with this type of thinking. I don't care what has gone on inside a marriage, you don't cheat. If it's really that bad, then get the hell out. The whole WAW's mentality that the marital problems somehow "entitles" her to cheat is disgusting and a sign of someone who is a real low quality human being.. It's not even about your partner, its about having the strength of character to respect and honor yourself. Just my opinion.
I wish I knew your age, b/c that would help me. I certainly don't want to sound as if I am talking down to you or anything like that. I do know how to "respect" people and I want that to show through what I am about to say.
Anyway, I wish you could understand....but I know you can't b/c your mind is closed to it and b/c you've apparently never been on this side. But I truly want you to know that I never woke up one morning and decided I would have an A. I never....NEVER felt entitled to have an A. Why didn't I just get the hell out of my M if it was really that bad? B/c I had not made plans to cheat. I had not made previous plans to leave my M. Did I make a knowing choice about contact OM? Of course I did. However, in some cases, things are not always as simple as others make it sound.
Have you ever heard how a frog can be boiled alive? I bet you have but in case someone is reading who doesn't know the story... then please bear with me. If you want to boil a frog, you do not place him in hot boiling water b/c he'll jump right out of the pot. Instead, you place him in a pot of lukewarm water and turn the fire on under the pot. You gradually warm the water until it boils. Why doesn't the frog jump out? B/c he did not realize his blood was the same temperture as the water and he was cooked before he knew to save himself.
You refered to me (or WAW's as a whole) in very unflatering terms, CK, and even though I might deserve to hear that...it still hurts. It hurts b/c that WAW was not who I was before or who I've been since that time. That is not the girl my parents raised or the young lady my H M. She is not the mother of my children. She is not the role model her church members have looked up to her entire adult life.
You see, I use to be YOU in the form of a female. That's right, I saw things just the way you described in your response to what I had said. I was judgmental and self-righteous. There were no excuses for any sin whatsoever....but cheating...well, that was just plain low-down. Oh, and I'm sure I rejected any idea of giving such a sinner a second chance or even listening to the whys or wherefores of their story.....b/c after all, look back at the before paragraph to see what a "special" person I was. (In case there's doubt...I am being sarcastic here.)
You spoke of strength of character.....well, I actually thought I had exceptional character. My parents had raised me with all the right traits. But then I suppose I must have lost all strength of character, right? Does one lose good character and moral judgment for all eternity if they commit one sin? How about two or more sins? Can they ever gain any purpose in life other than to be considered a cheater and a selfish, low quality human being? Does that mean they have no chance at ever tasting grace and that they might as well burn in the everlasting flames of hell? Tell me CK, if you have a daughter some day who should make this very unwise....and perhaps even desparate choice, what would you pick as her sentence? And since "you" raised her, instilling values in her....would you tell her she is of no worth or purpose.....that you no longer love her? Or, would you cry for what happened and for the pain that had touched everyone concerned? Most of all, would you really feel that she was a low quality human being? I hope not, I really hope not. We never know when that might happen to one of our daughters, so be careful before you speak too harshly b/c she will remember those words.
I can't imagine what you must see in your line of work. If a person could be in law enforcement and not get hard-hearted would seem like a miracle, I suppose. But somehow I don't think that law enforcement has everything to do with how you feel about this issue. I don't think bad of you CK....not at all. I am concerned about you. Anytime a heart is hardened....joy has a very difficult time getting inside. Bitterness......that is what makes a person ugly on the inside, and I hope for your sake that you can get past this.
I do not want you to think that I am making excuses for myself or any WAW b/c I'm not. If you do not like my mentality, that's your choice....and I understand. Remember, I used to be just like you. But the day I messed up, brought my judge's seat crashing down. I believe that is the day I started to become a "real" human being. And, CK......I have not only tasted grace, but fed upon it...and I try real hard to pay it forward.
I wasn't attacking you at all so please don't think that. I'm grateful that you're here and willing to let others learn from your situation.
And I have been on your side of the fence. When I was 20 I dated a woman and cheated for at least a year. I knew from the first moment of contact with OW that what i was doing was wrong. I put myself in a position that was inappropriate and I made a choice to cheat because at the time it felt good. I never once blamed my girlfriends lack of attention or our relationship for my choices because they were just that, my choices. There was no DBing, in fact, she never found out. What made me change was getting up one day, looking in the mirror and being ashamed of the person staring back at me. That day I made a choice to stop cheating. I never cheated again.
I'm sure what Allen said is true that an affair creates a biological reaction similar to an addiction. But it still starts with a choice. I believe everyone deserves a chance for redemption but i think that requires at least a minimum amount of self awareness. If WAS's don't see their behavior as wrong, how can they ever facilitate change.
I don't want to sidetrack OIN's thread. Sandi2 and Allen, I appreciate both your point of views.
