Better Days

[NoLongerHere]

So you have 2 different issues going on, 1) Your driving needed for sucess and perfection and 2) what you want from your partner. The thing of course not being looked at is what your partner needs from you.

Yes. I would imagine XW would agree. I'm getting it.

When it becomes a problem is when it is the driving force of everything. Your family becomes second on the list and you, well you have just disappeared off the map.

I imagine XW would agree with that too.

The next thing is what you want from a partner. She supported you and got angry when she saw or felt they were taking advantage of you. Most people are looking for at least that trait in a partner. Apparently this wasn't the support that you wanted. So you will need to find a way to express what kind of support you DO need. Think about that one.

Yeah. She saw I was becoming more and more miserable with work. She has said that it is hard to love somebody so much and watch them do that to themselves.

I know we have to look at this in discrete elements to understand it, but it makes it sound like this was the only thing going on, and of course it wasn't. But I think this is an important thing for me to understand.

Somehow, there was a dynamic in recent years where the job would suck me dry, and she would try to fill me back up. She also got really angry with cub scouts, when I was the den leader, as she saw it as another demand on me.

Yes, I've started to think about that - what I want in a partner. And also, what I want from myself. I think I've got some dealing to do that has little to do with my marriage.

Yeah Kat, thank you - I think you're getting some of XW's perspective.

G, you're going through a terrible time, one where you feel everything is out of control. You want control, you want to feel that you're getting a handle on things. It's hard to do. It may be one of the hardest things in life to recognize that when things are out of control there's often not much you can do but fasten your seatbelt and go for the ride. What happened in the past happened. You made mistakes and she made mistakes, you're both human. But, you did the best with what you had. Now, in hindsight, you have more information and might have done it differently but so what! It's a pointless exercise.Look at getting through each day by finding one thing you like about yourself or what you've accomplished in the day. It's a start.
I hope something in my mish mash of a post was helpful.

Yes. Pointless dwelling is pointless dwelling. But I think I need to understand this. Partly because I think it's high time I understand what's important to me. I think I've been motivated by fear. And I need to change that I think. Not only for myself, but so that I don't contribute to the erosion of other relationships - specifically my boys. But yes, your post is helpful in that you're right - I need to focus on the things that satisfy me, the things to feel good about, not the failures that I've avoided.

Another thing I read in your post is that had you not done this or that then things would have been OK.

It sounds like you were a pretty good husband ... and it still didn't work out. Don't beat yourself up over this. This is her doing.

Now, if you are learning from past mistakes so you don't make them in the future then that's good.

But don't blame yourself. You did not want this. She did and she'll come up with any reason to justify it.

You know, I was a good husband. XW has said over and over again that she can go on and on regarding the good traits about me, that she likes me as a person, even that she still loves me. And it didn't work out, that's right.

I'm not sure I'm beating myself up or blaming myself - although I do have a tendency to do that, so I'll take it - but this is more that, I realized that I had that stress response this week, that I don't have her there anymore, and that there is something here that I need to fix. I need to learn to manage this. Instead, I think I was to some degree using XW as a remedy. So - there's something of value to be learned here about me and my life in general I think. And if that makes me better in any future relationship, even better.

And I guess... God - as angry as I've been, it doesn't feel right to blame her either. Yeah, she made her choices. And I think my anger was justified. But I feel like I really need to be done with that now. I could hate her, but sheesh, talk about something else sucking out my energy. I don't want to. I don't think I'm at forgiveness yet, but I feel like maybe I'm backing away from bitterness.

I do miss her. Saw her tonight, we went to a school play tonight. It was hard; I guess it was clear, she asked me if I was OK, that I was holding my head. Oh well. Yeah, we ran into that couple again, where the wife wouldn't even look at me, and the husband showed enthusaism to see me. Weird. Makes me wonder what XW had said to her.

Anyway, fending off the sadness today. And again, there's nothing for it. Looking forward to the next "up" swing.

Thanks guys for the responses - this is helpful to talk it out.