What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[gatsby11]

Message sent.

[gatsby11]

The basic gist of his reply:

+ He's really glad I think the baby will be happy and playful and not affected by the stress of the last few months.
+ He wants to know if he can see me in person to talk; he understands if I don't want to
+ He doesn't know how to see the baby after the birth and thinks the least awkward would be to come to my apartment a few days after
+ He still wants to call her the name that we talked about in January but gave me his input on the spelling of the new name
+ He also wanted to know if I got the baby gift from a while ago from my registry. Maybe he forgot that he got Goodnight Moon . . . duh!

I have no idea what I'm going to do. I obviously have to think. I don't like that he plans to call her by a different name. That's weird. I don't know if I want to see him.

[newmama]

What? He wants to call her a different name? I wish you could talk to his therapist to find out what is going on with him.

You don't have to see him you know. He gets to decide when he wants to see his daughter so you can decide when you want to see him if you ever do before the baby is born.

[gatsby11]

Yeah, it 's SUPER weird. He says that he agrees that it's inappropriate to still call her that name (since it's his grandpa's name) but he might as a personal nickname, I guess. It's very close to the name that I have now, though, so it might just be weird. (Aw, heck. We talked about naming her Ray. And now my nickname for her is Vay.)

Overall, I'm irritated by the email. He sounds so confident and happy that I'm "okay" with everything. And so happy that the baby has been unaffected-- that was because of ME. I almost want to write back to say that. I don't want him to think that there is no consequence for this action of his. There may be. I am just working to make it as smooth as possible.

The only reason I'd want to see him is so that he can see the belly, feel her move, stuff like that. But I don't even know how I would act. I can't keep up the friendliness, I don't think, that I can do over email. In person, I will probably be un-smiley, and possibly even impatient and rude. I wouldn't want the meeting to last more than 15 minutes. I mean, what do we have to say?

So still thinking. We'll see.

[newmama]

I know- I don't get the whole acting like everything is fine; like what the spouse did turned out to be ok! It makes me think that they will be able to go around telling everyone that their wife is doing well and their child is good and not to worry. And they won't have to feel bad about what they are doing/did and won't have to face the consequences.

I get that we are supposed to look strong and act like we are carrying on fine without them. But at some point I think they need to see it is HARD on us. And then we get through it and move on!

[gatsby11]

Exactly, NM. I totally agree. This is part of the draft of my response:

I’m glad that it means a lot to you that she will be happy. Truth is, I don’t know how the events of the last few months will affect her in the future; I’ve never been in the situation before, and everyone is different. But it is my . . . determination, really, that I will be the leadership that she is okay. I think that she will end up following my lead. I hope that makes sense to you; just something I felt I had to say!

I’m not sure about a face-to-face meeting. I’d like you to see her and maybe feel her move before she’s born. I’ll think about it. Do we have other things to talk about?

------

So I said my peace about the "everything's okay" part, ('cept I might want to say more) and then I asked a relevant question. If we don't have anything to talk about, then our meeting would be mega awkward. Does he think we're friends? 'Cause I can be friendly but we're NOT friends!!

So I will probably send this reply off today too. Lots of events happening!

Oh yeah, and he said in his first email that he was just about to write me. I wonder if that were really true.

[gatsby11]

Reply sent. I sent what was above except the last sentence of the first paragraph. Too apologetic.

I hope he responds today. With this one (does he have more to talk about?) I don't really feel like I can sit around and wait for very well. If he has stuff to talk about, what is it? Baby stuff or other stuff?

[gatsby11]

Well, no response. I think he's bothered/wounded/offended by the reality in the email.

I directly addressed his action of leaving us and implied that it's not easy and I don't know how she will be in the future. I'm sure that stung.

And then I hesitated about the in-person meeting. And pointed out that we have nothing to talk about. I think he's REALLY hoping that we can be friends.

And wouldn't that be nice? We're friends, she's completely unharmed, and he's as free as a bird! Sorry, reality check, buddy.

He might be waiting for me to write back about a face-to-face meeting. I don't think he has anything more to talk about because when he asked he already said "I understand if you don't want to." So I think the only reason he wants to see me is to strengthen our friendship. Maybe he wants to complain about work. I was always in for a good listen. He'd probably like to use that again, since his new friends probably don't listen to him for as long as I did!

Sorry... I can't help but let my frustration seep through!

I might go for the face-to-face meeting. Just for the hell of it. For the thrill. The drama.

We'll see. That's how I'm feeling now.

[newmama]

Maybe your H is just thinking about everything you said before he responds. Maybe he is surprised that you pointed out that the stress on you from the last few months might affect your d's health! AND that you don't want to rush to meet him!

And wouldn't that be nice? We're friends, she's completely unharmed, and he's as free as a bird! Sorry, reality check, buddy.

Exactly what he is hoping for! And he has no idea how much he is going to miss you (I am sure he already does) and his baby girl!!

WOuld you get into an argument with him if you met him in person do you think? But I wonder what he will say to you- what if he wants to apologize?

[gatsby11]

Hey! Thanks for dropping by.

Yes, he could be thinking.

I'm glad that I can already see that he misses me and I do hope that continues. (For now it's like, I miss you and want to be friends, but no committment. I know that's a start to peicing, but it's really hard for me to go with. I can give it a try, but it would be hard. Especially since he has said that basically from the get-go.)

No, I wouldn't get into an argument with him. Don't want to fight; never do. I would just feel really awkward. He would look at me and say "You look great" and I'd say "Thanks..." And yeah.

I'd be surprised if he wants to apologize, but I guess it's a possibility.

Even if he doesn't write me back, I'm going to email him tomorrow and say 'okay' to meeting. (I'm pretty sure I will.) I don't know where we should meet- parking lot? My apartment? And I was also thinking of asking him to install the carseat, ha! Hopefully he'll feel like he's contributing.

In retrospect tonight, I think it's really interesting that he asked if I got the baby gifts. I read on somebody's thread (maybe yours) about love languages. And maybe my WH likes to give gifts. He's been giving me a couple of gifts, but I never said thank you for the baby gifts. I was not in that place at the time. I said thank you for the Mother's Day gift. I think he likes my appreciation. Which is hard for me to give. Because there's so much that I HAVEN'T appreciated lately.

This is just really hard. Giving with the hope of getting something back in the future, no guarantees, etc. And to the person who wounded you so deeply.

I know that I'm next up in the baby train! It's so crazy. I can't wait to hear how things went with P. . .