Can I mention one thing that I figured out? Very similar to what Cat said. When a spouse puts us in a situation like many of us have been in-- there isn't anything much we could do to change the situation. And yet we had to make a choice on how to best do what we could to save our marriages. Often and I would say usually they had already made their choices and were using us in one way or another. In my case if I did x I could not retain my dignity and actual sanity as a person as the affair carried on. If I did y I was leaving him to his own devices. I chose y. The hardest decision I ever had to make.
I carried around inconsolable and highly inappropriate guilt for many years. The deal is that some of these people are passive aggressive types. They will not take the decision. They want you to own it and carry the guilt when it was their decision all along. Not right, not fair. It took 2 years for my ex to file for divorce because I would not do it and 2 more for it to be done because he would not do the paperwork. There, I finally said what I was trying to explain. It's not about you. Stay strong and try to be around people who love you during this time. Wonder
