still separated, headed for D?

[LauraOh]

I just finished a book called Love and Respect which I found to be very interesting.

Whenever I hear that "men want this" or "men feel that", I ask some man if it is true--if they say "yes", then I mentally "file it" and try to use it.

One thing I will be asking soon---book says that men get "energized" by our being with them while they work on a project or watch tv or whatever. Just quietly being with them puts them in a good mood.

As I was reading this I thought--well, yes that probably works for the guy whose LL is quality time. But I know some guys who aren't that LL and I plan on asking one of them.

My H's LL is not quality time, yet he does seem to want me to watch his every little move when he works around the house. I thought it was him needing extraordinary amounts of attention. And he likes me to watch TV with him in the evenings.

Another thing I DID ask about and got a huge YES on, was that men want to be appreciated and thanked for working (which I really haven't ever done for various reasons but plan to change that )

And they would much rather be respected than loved. If we're behaving disrespectfully they cannot really love us. (telling them they have to earn our respect is a HUGE NO NO)

This book says if you don't respect them, they can't love you, and when they don't love you, you stop respecting them. This is the "crazy cycle" that begins all the downward spiraling.

This book claims one of the most powerful things you can do to get your R back on track is to tell your H the reasons you respect them. If they are a good father, if they are a hard worker--the worst cases can find SOMETHING.

[newmama]

If they are a good father, if they are a hard worker--the worst cases can find SOMETHING.

yes these things are true about my WH.

and admiration is one of his LLs.

So he can't love me if I don't respect him? But how would he expect me to respect him when he left me to be with a trashy hobag?

I keep remembering somewhere (maybe the B!tches book) that men want a playmate. (lol- not JUST a bunny playmate! someone to have fun with!)

---book says that men get "energized" by our being with them while they work on a project or watch tv or whatever. Just quietly being with them puts them in a good mood.

Yes I have read this repeatedly and it was something my WH told me he loved- just being in the same room as me and he really liked it when I took interest in working on the house. I am so embarrassed that I used to complain about how long it would take to do remodeling but I would definitely praise him when it was done. Gosh, I just was "immature" or something! I have said to him on more than one occasion (when he used to see S at the house)when he asked why I started working on the yard or something:
"I am being a 'grown-up' and just doing with it."

[gatsby11]

But how would he expect me to respect him when he left me to be with a trashy hobag?

I know what you mean. I specifically told my WH when he was leaving that I didn't respect THAT because he was quitting in the middle of something. (I used an example of someone we BOTH had been irritated with who quit in the middle. I said he was no different, and I didn't respect that.)

I know that respecting an action and respecting a person are two different things. But it's really hard to separate the two sometimes!

The only way it will work for me is for me to be verbal about what I do respect, like you both already highlighted. (Hard worker, etc.) And hopefully one day those actions and his person will be the same!

What else is new?

[newmama]

Hi Gatsby! I can't wait to hear back from Piano!!! You will be next!

OK well today I am SURE I must have raised WH's curiosity!
Originally my happy hour meetup was scheduled for 5:30. WH was going to pick S up at the house but I texted him and asked if I could meet him in the parking lot because I had to be in NE around 5:30. He texted back "That would be great!!"

(uh- I guess he likes to exchange S in the parking lot?)

So then my happy hour meetup got cancelled. :-( But my new friend, J, asked if I wanted to go with her and a friend anyway but not until later. So of course I said sure!

Well then WH calls me around 4:30 ( AN ACTUAL PHONE CALL- he doesn't do that anymore) and tells me he won't be leaving until 5 because work was crazy. He asked if I wanted to meet him somewhere in NE. I told him that my plans got pushed back so I don't have to be there until 7ish now but I didn't change the plan with him because I figured he would still like to meet in the parking lot. He said yes, thanks, that is great!

So I get to the parking lot, dressed for a night out, and WH tells me traffic is terrible so if I need to get over there I might want to wait a little bit. I tell him thanks for the tip but now I am picking up a friend so by the time we get on the freeway it might be ok. He looked baffled! Then I rushed off!

Come on, don't you think he was trying to figure out where I was going and who my "friend" was? He knows all of my friends in town so I could have said their name! Ha!

I am meeting at J's house in an hour or so and we will be heading out!

[gatsby11]

Ha ha, that's awesome. I love it.

I saw your post on another thread by Future/PDT. I liked your question. Interesting stuff!

[newmama]

I saw your post on another thread by Future/PDT. I liked your question. Interesting stuff!

Thanks but I haven't seen an answer yet! Maybe you know, Great Gatsby! (lol)

How do you suppose a woman can come across as confident, strong, loving and alluring without being seen as manipulative if she flirts?

Maybe only the LBHs can flirt with the WAWs but the LBWs are supposed to play hard to get- refrain from flirting???

[WhatNow]

How do you suppose a woman can come across as confident, strong, loving and alluring without being seen as manipulative if she flirts?

By being generally flirtatious? Maybe?

[newmama]

This is a collection of random thoughts:

First-
Here are a couple of really bad jokes I heard on the radio:

Why does it take 3 PMSing women to change a lightbulb? IT JUST DOES!!!!! grrrr!

What did the man say when he found his best friend in bed with his wife? BAD DOG!!

OK well here is a different comment- I have forgotten that on the Office, Pam and Jim's feelings started as an EA because she was engaged to Roy! And she called off the wedding because she had feelings for Jim! Ah man- I will try to forget that now.


And yet another random comment- I remember that during some of our D discussions, WH has referred to [emotionally charged] statements I made last year, when he had told me he could not end contact with OW. For example, during the D talk in March, he referenced my statement "I am not going to wait forever and I will be moving on".

WELL I also said something like "at first I will just play the field a bit and have a bunch of one night stands or something before getting serious and finding a man who will be good with S!" (remember, I said all that stuff waaaaay before I learned about DBing and I was 8 months pregnant and even if I wasn't, anyone would flip out, right?)

OK so I wonder if he has remembered that I said that and believed me? Which means it's possible that he could be thinking I am doing something like that now! (I don't have the energy or the will to do that though!)

[gatsby11]

Generally flirtatious could work because it's like "I'm not like this with you; I'm like this with everyone!"

But you'd sort of have to be generally flirtatious to begin with for it to be genuine, I'd think. Unless it was a 180 you wanted to stick with!

Okay, I'm going to try to be Great (ha ha!) and say that if you can flirt with solid boundaries, it might work. What does that mean? Maybe a quick sparkling smile initially while continuing to keep visits short and clipped. Later, at the right time, a small joke with a wink and then shuffle him out the door!

I'm totally guessing.

It could still be construed as manipulative because I guess technically it is. . . sort of. . . but if that's what he was wanting from you, he wouldn't see it that way.

All of that said, I think your WH is responding well to how you've been for the past few weeks so I would keep that up until it wasn't working anymore!

[newmama]

By being generally flirtatious? Maybe?

hmmm...like making comments about how I better pay the rent on time since WH is my landlord and I don't want to get in trouble? (with a wink!)lol!