WAW and me in 11th hour!!!!

[Ken62]

Here is the e-mail I am thinking of sending to W about the "furniture issue" my first one had me doing too much work for W so my young lady friend told me to just put the ball back in her court if she wants this so bad.

Let me know if you have any suggestions! Thanks!

<start of e-mail>

W,

Ok, here are my thoughts:

I’m not sure why you didn’t include your list in the e-mail so that I would know what things you are talking about so if you include that sometime soon that would be helpful.

When we first discussed this topic on March 5 and couldn’t come to any conclusion I asked you to come up with a proposal so that I could address the specifics of the proposal. That was over 2 months ago and I still don’t have any idea of what you want or specifics from you on how to resolve this issue. I too would like to get this taken care of before June 6 and have it over and done with.

I mentioned to you later in March that I didn’t want to “store” any of your things here while you are gone for the summer and I am glad that you were able to find a storage space for the summer.

If you would please write up what you see happening then I will respond to it and we’ll negotiate back and forth until it is resolved. I will include DM on all my e-mails to you so that she can see what is being said back and forth in case she needs to weigh in on any of the issues and I would ask that you do the same.

Thank you,

Ken

[sandi2]

I would not rehash all that stuff again. Tell her that if you do not have a detailed list by June 1st that you will take care of dividing the things. The less said, the better.

[sandi2]

How are you doing?

[Ken62]

Thanks for asking Sandi! I think I'm doing really well. All three of my kids called me this past Wednesday. I sent the e-mail to W on Wednesday night. She read it Thursday afternoon and I haven't received anything back from her on it.

Thursday night I headed up north to pick up some of D19s stuff from her dorm room and met her boyfriend and had a nice visit. She and I had a wonderful time. She still doesn't like to talk to Mom and neither does D20. Friday night D20 and I went and met my B and SIL who are visiting her cousin in town. While we were visiting W texted D20 to inform her that OM was in town for the weekend and that she wanted her to meet him. I can't believe that W still keeps pushing this even though all the kids have told her that they do NOT want to meet him. W is acting like such a stubborn selfish teenager. I think all the kids are acting more mature than their mother. D20 texted back asking where OM was "staying" while he was visiting. I don't think she got an answer from W.

I offered D20 could come to my IC session this Saturday and see if the C is someone she would want to meet with on her own. D20 has so many questions for W and just doesn't understand how W could raise her with certain values and then turn around and do things totally the opposite of how she raised her. D20 describes herself as seathing on the inside and smiling on the outside which isn't good. I think that maybe she should journal and write her Mom some letters and probably not send them because she isn't going to get any good answers from Mom while she is in an A anyway. Just more lies. D20 also hates that she knew about things before anyone else because W started asking her questions about love and marriage early last year and then also talked to her about OM back in November of last year and talked about how "giddy" she was about her and OM and also asked D20 "When do I get to start my life?" which really hurt D20. W just doesn't understand what she is doing to her Rs with her kids.

Yesterday spent some time with younger lady friend watching the original Iron Man movie and then going to see the new one. She seemed more distant than usual and we talked about our R. We both know that the age difference (20 years) is quite the problem and that we are both at very different stages in our lives but we do enjoy spending time with each other. There has been no physical kissing or sex but she is worried about the emotional attachment we are developing for each other and the problems that could happen in the future. Not sure what to do about this. Any thoughts or ideas?

[sandi2]

Ken, I am going to be very straight with you. I think you are reacting to very vulnerable emotions with this younger girl. I'm sure she is attracted to your maturity, but how long do you think it will be before she is ready for someone closer to her age....then you will be facing more pain. You are not over your MR and you don't need to be getting involved with this girl.

It is one thing to go out to a friendly dinner or show.....but if she was acting cold toward you, then she is feeling pressure from you. You need to back off immediately. I think she was trying to be "nice" when she said she was concerned about emotional involvment. She may not want to hurt you and don't know how to get out of this.

It's not fair to her. Do the right thing. Besides, you don't want her looking at you as a father figure.

[Ken62]

Thanks Sandi! I will do that and go back to working on me and not focus so much on she and I.

[Ken62]

Got an e-mail from W on Sunday regarding her employer possibly allowing her to put S24 on her insurance until he is 27. Said she was going to look into it on Monday. Didn't respond to it.

Tuesday morning W calls my cell for first time since April 12. I didn't answer it and let it go to voicemail. (Why do our bodies react to things like this? My whole body just went flush and it felt like my internal temperature went up 10-20 degrees! Weird!)

Listened to vm. It was about the insurance stuff for S24 and then she also mentioned not getting back to me on the furniture proposal but that she has been really busy and is now in tech week for her show this weekend but she will get to it at some point. She didn't mention OM visiting over the weekend as another reason she was so busy but I didn't expect her to.

She also sent an e-mail within about 25 minutes about the same thing. I started looking into whether my employer was going to cover something like this and sent out a few internal e-mails asking questions. Got back to W next morning with an e-mail saying that I was looking into it on my end but that she didn't need to panic about a Friday open enrollment deadline because she could do it all next month after the D is final. Told her that my goal was to cover the kids and she would only have to worry about covering herself. She responded in about an hour and thanked me for looking into it.

D19 came home from college Monday night. Had dinner with B and SIL last night. Spent some of Monday evening and Tuesday evening with younger lady friend. Possibly cast in another show with younger lady friend and rehearsals start this Saturday. Have IC appointment but am hoping to send D20 to it in my place so she can meet C and see if it would be a good fit for the summer for her.

Hearing W voice on vm for first time in over a month was very odd. I kept telling myself that even though she may sound like the old her she is not. She is still in the fog. She is still with OM so don't even think it is the same person you M. It doesn't help that all of this is happening 25 years after we first met. Lots of fond memories from 25 years ago.

That's all for now!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

No real advice for you at the moment, Ken -- just wanted to let you know I was listening and following along.

Puppy

[Ken62]

No real advice for you at the moment, Ken -- just wanted to let you know I was listening and following along.

Puppy

Thanks Puppy for your time and caring!

Well I saw W for the first time in 6 weeks. She showed up at Mass and afterwards I was walking up to talk to our choir director and she was right there at my side. Kind of took me off guard because I had gotten so use to her NOT coming to church anymore. I'm not sure what my reaction looked like to her. I almost felt ambushed. It was wierd.

She was there to return a big box of mics to the choir director that she used for her after school program. She asked me if I would help her unload it from her car and I said sure.

As we were moving the box into the church she mentioned that she had talked to S24 and that he had told her that he was going to go to counseling and she asked if I had anything to do with that. I said that yes, I had talked to him about looking into it through work. I also told her that S20 had just gone to her first session the day before with my C.

When we got to the room to drop it off she needed to write out a check and so I waited. She talked about reflecting on the past years more lately and that she wished me nothing but the best. I told her that I also wished her nothing but the best but I also felt like she was just throwing me bones.

She then asked for a hug and I said sure and while we were hugging she talked about how she missed physical touch and being lonely but again I felt like she was just throwing me a bone because she had just spent the previous weekend with OM so I thought it was a bunch of BS. I did notice that she wasn't wearing any rings (she usually wears her mother's ring on her right hand and a ring from OM on the middle finger of her left hand) but that could have been because she was in a show.

She talked about still being gone for only the summer but I still don't think it will only be three months (I would like it to be three months but I don't think it will be). D19 thinks it could be 7 months and D20 thinks it could be 1 year and other people feel it could be indefinitely. She also said that she was trying to get back to church but only had yesterday and next Sunday left before she leaves town. I will be surprised if she actually shows up again next Sunday. Actions speak louder than words!

She then started talking about the kids and said that she just feels like they are punishing her and this is when I knew for sure that this was still not the W that I had M. She had used the word "punish" two times in our last conversation on April 12 and to me this just screams VICTIM! She talked about how she didn't get any cards or presents on her birthday or on Mother's Day and I told her that I didn't get any cards or gifts from them on my birthday either but it didn't matter to her. She also mentioned that whenever they get together that all the kids talk about is themselves. (Later when I asked D20 about this she said that she doesn't want to talk to Mom about OM or anything else so she just talks about herself).

We talked a little bit more and then we were on our separate ways. She will be gone in two weeks and I'm not sure if I'll see her again before she leaves or not. She did send me her "proposal" for dividing the furniture on Saturday and I am now working on my reply to that. I will post her e-mail shortly and then will post mine later looking for feedback.

[Ken62]

Here is the latest e-mail from my W about the furniture issue. I am working on my reply and will post it here before sending to her.

Dear Ken,

As I try to figure out where to start with this discussion about how to divide things up, I wonder if you agree that the easiest scenario to begin with would be(since everything was purchased for the house), that you just keep all the furniture that fit in the house a year ago (minus the dumpster-bound old bed and Gordon desk and the wooden rocking chair from my mom) and we discuss and agree on an amount of money to compensate me for my share? Of course I have many favorite items, but I can walk away from all the furniture, lamps and rugs, electronics if I feel that a fair offer is made for seed money to furnish a home for myself someday. I don't really feel comfortable coming up with a dollar amount yet until I get better feel for how you think we should approach this.

MIL, niece, SIL are coming on the 3rd to help me move and could help move back in: the family room furniture (hide-a-bed, the matching swivel rocker, the marble topped coffee table, the gold upholstered chair, the other lamp and end table), office cabinet, the rolling computer desk, filing cabinet, swing, some VHS tapes, the Sharp TV, both video cameras (the ebay one is really falling apart, you may be able to fix it?) the lazer jet printer and yellow tool box, as well as the items belonging to the kids; I expect that S24 would want his dresser, nightstand and desk lamp, and blue glasses back in the house and that D20 would like her boom box and cereal dispenser back and D19 may want her electric keyboard.

If you would rather actually go through and try to physically split everything up, we can go through a list of all items in the house and go through it, try to give them a value and negotiate/trade items until it become equitable.

OR, we could go with the above model and just make exceptions and give them credit on the other side of the column, so to speak.

I expect that we would divide Christmas ornaments and decorations, all the collectibles, travel souvenirs, Campaign memorabilia, ), the photo albums/videos and possibly sell the Pfaltzgraf dishes or save them to offer them to kids later.

We would also need to go through the under-bed storage containing the memorabilia collected over the years.

Photo Albums, video tape: what do you think of the idea of looking into having all our video tapes transferred to digital and our photo albums scanned and saved? We could split the costs of having five copies made and then give them to the kids as a gift (Christmas?) I would be willing to begin work on that in June when I get to Illinois and then ship them all back by mid month, book rate, or, if D20 will have the time, we could ask her to do it there with our scanner, and pay her to do it? I have not done anything about dividing up the kids Senior pictures. I believe we already have all the images digitally. Should we just print out a second copy of each photo and make a copy of the portfolios? I was going to divide them up and can still do that if you’d rather?

Well, please let me know what you think. I wouldn't be surprised if I have forgotten items that may need to be entered into the mix. I know it took me awhile to get to this and I hope that I am presenting it to you at a time that it is convenient for you to respond. I will have a lot more free time after Crimes of the Heart closes tomorrow.
Sincerely,
W