reconciliation after divorce?

[dday101798]

AC,

For the last time, this all sounds well too familiar, I've been there done that.

The longer this teeter-totter act goes on, the more hurt and pain you will each cause the other and lesson the chances of ever being together again.

Get out of town, and in doing so, leeave the rope behind.

DO NOT immediately repsond to calls and texts. Give her a sample of what she thinks she wants.

[any chance?]

I am taking your advise, in total. Dropping the rope and getting out of town. Thanks for your thoughts.

[Glimmerman]

Any chance

Something I'd recommend you take a look at is Gary Smalley's personality profiling system. It's kind of a cool way to look at different personalities, and I believe it can help in how to think about reconciliation attempts.

It's quite possible that your W fits under the classification of the "beaver personality". Based on your posts, she demonstrates some of those types of behaviors such as depression and negativity. Check it out and see what you think. You can find some different information on how to best deal with each type of personality. Just google smalley personality type and you'll find all kinds of info.

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi AC, thanks for your supportive words on my thread.

Wanted to pop by and share how to do the little quotey boxes. When you're creating a post, instead of just filling in the empty 'quick reply' box or clicking 'reply' on the previous post, click 'Quote' instead. You'll see then how there's special codes surrounding the quoted phrases. You just put them around what you're wanting to quote. Oh crap. Gotta go. Thanks again.

[any chance?]

Events occurred yesterday that me quite low and feeling hopeless. I am away on a 3 week business trip, and am trying to be NC during that time.

Yesterday, W drove two hours to have lunch with my mom and sister. She told them she had something to tell them, then proceeded to tell them about the D. She was apparently quite honest and straightforward, rather matter of fact. My sister said she seems quite resolved and very, very SAD. My sister says she sees no chance of her changing her mind.

Impressions are that my W is in a very deep, dark hole, and is consumed by her sadness. The D is happening, no doubt about it. It is as if it is a task to be completed before she can quit being sad and heavily medicated. She is totally focused on herself and her woes, and it is like our marriage never even existed. She wants to get the D filed so she can figure out her finances. All business like. Very resolved. It is over. MC will not help. Her only way out of her depression is D.

I have made these points here several times, and many of you are probably sick of hearing it. The fact that she gives my mother and sister this impression is somewhat striking to me. W called and left a very teary message about the meeting.

I am trying to drop the rope while I am away.

Is this situation as hopeless as I think it is?

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi AC, I'm so sorry to hear how low and hopeless you're feeling. Big hugs to you and sending good thoughts your way. First thing I want to say is that I am not sick of hearing about your stich at all. You have nothing to feel badly about, in asking for anyone's support. I do hope though, that you can change your focus today, from 'what will happen in the future of your sitch' to just what's going on today in AC's life. You can't control what's going to happen AC, nor predict it. I'm sorry I wish it were different. But sadly that's the reality of it and we all must accept that the only thing we can control is what our actions and thoughts are in the present. I know I know. Easier said than done. But that's one rope that must be dropped in order to maintain balance and a PMA.

That being said I'm quite surprised to hear that your W actually drove that far and took it upon herself to speak with your family about the D. AND that she then told you she did it? Ok. I'm sorry. But doesn't that strike you as odd? Doesn't that make you even the teensiest bit angry? For goodness sakes, IMHO that was none of her business to do... that's YOUR family and it's YOUR perogative (sp?) as to the when, what and how to share about your D. And then to leave you a weepy message about it to 'bait' you into replying? Yes I may be mindreading here so I may be wrong. It just strikes me as being very manipulative of her.

Again, I'm sorry. I don't want to overstep my bounds here but I'm concerned for you. Stay strong; thinking good thoughts for you.

[futureunknown]

One thing I've learned is that predictions of the future are subject to drastic change as time goes by.

Your W is in a deep dark hole. She wants a D. That's right now. If she starts the process of going forward with the D, that's her choice. You need to live for YOU. These events are out of your control. A month from now, or two months, or six months, things may be different, in fact they probably will, because they always are. Does that mean your M has a better chance? Who knows? Sounds like the only direction is up from where she is, so at this point change is probably good.

My point is, you can only control YOU. Detach yourself and your life from her. If you have to, try to put yourself back in time to before you met her. Try to be that person again. Or, if you really have to, imagine what you would do if she died. Then you would HAVE to live for you. She has a journey to travel, without you. Let her go. Maybe the future will bring her back to you. Your best chance to have that happen is to be a great person, so when she comes out the other end of the dark tunnel she'll see how great you are.

There is a popular saying here "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do". I have found it really is true, although after living it, I would word it "Everything they say is subject to change, but changing after doing something drastic, like moving out or having an affair, is harder, but not impossible".

[any chance?]

PG, Future...thanks for your thoughts....

You are both correct..I need to stop worrying about the future and the direction that my M clearly seems to be headed, and focus on myself. W is completely out of my control, and her mind is made up. She is going to go through with the D, and I just need to let her go. I admit that it is very, very difficult, primarily because I was never even given a chance at working on the M. All I want is a chance, but that does not appear to be an option at this point.

I realized today that one big emotion I am feeling is disappointment. Disappointment in myself, my M, and mostly disappointment in my W. She has just given up on me and our M. Her depression is a huge, huge factor, and I truly hope she is able to climb out of her hole at some point. I would like to think I will be there when she does, and hopefully she will see how great I really am. But, as you say, no one can predict the future. I cannot keep letting this tear me apart.

I am going to drop the rope. NC as much as possible. Let's see what the next few weeks bring.

I must maintain my GAL mindset. I simply must. There is no other option.

Thanks for listening.

[FindingMyVoice]

Good for you. You HAVE to come first right now. Sending good thoughts for strength and courage your way. Keep posting, especially if you need someone to listen or need to vent. I'm pretty much tied to my desk for the next few weeks - busy stretch at work! So I'll be around if you need an ear!

[any chance?]

Thanks, PG. I think reality is setting in for me. W wants nothing to do with me at this point. Feel pretty used and abused, but am not going down the self-pity route.

I will survive. Will be a very different person, to be sure, which is a bit unfortunate. My new improvements are good, to be sure, but, you know what, I have always been a nice, caring kind of guy.

Maybe somebody will recognize that someday.