Red, What are your boundaries with this entire sitch? Where do YOU draw the line as to what you will deal with? What is your limit?
Just thoughts...becuase after reading all this going on for 3 years, the pending crimical charges against you, they way he treated you so badly before the A even occured. I am wondering why you have thought that this relationship was ever healthy. [Sorry, I don't want to be harsh]
It seems to me he has always put his needs first and foremost above you and the children. Working 80 hours a week, coming and going as he pleases, doing nothing to help raise the children to clean, not spending quality time with you. Controlling all the access to the money and allowing you no money. Why have you accepted this?
Maybe there is a side of him we do not know about.
To me this just screams codendency to a narcissistic man.
At what point do you say "I deserve better and am willing to work on the marraige when you have shown growth and maturity, in the mean time we are seperating. I will no longer tolerate you behaviors and actions." And mean it, follow through with actions.
Because seriously you do deserve better than this, right? (and I don't mean another man). And what are your children learning from this ugly dynamic with him living in the basement and behaving badly in front of them.
Have you called a DB coach? Got an IC for advice or MC?
Last edited by june72; 05/16/1003:52 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I only wish the best for you and a happy, healthy (emotionally and physically) life for you and the children
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Oh, and Red. The ONLY reason he is calling you the pet names is so that he can "keep you on the hook". This is a very obvious attempt at controlling you. NOT a change of heart. He is worried that the OW may reject him and you are the backup. Look at his actions (taking kids to work event with OW) not his words.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Hey June72 - Thanks for the insight. Interesting to see him through the eyes of a stranger. You actually sound a bit like my one of my brothers-in-law, who had a run-in with WH several years ago and hasn't talked much to him since...
I'm very used to him working long hours but had hoped he would slow down a bit when we had kids. It didn't. More work for me.
Had to laugh yesterday when he was cleaning gutters and threw muck down to yard, accidentally bombing our son (age 7) who had stopped playing for a minute to get a drink from the hose. Son took off shirt and used it to clean hair. WH fretted, "I just washed that shirt for him yesterday!" WH hasn't done laundry since we were married, but I stopped doing it last month when he moved to basement. Starting to appreciate some of my hard work? One can dream.
He spent all day with family yesterday, mostly doing maintenance on house - something he's neglected since OW came into picture. Then he was talking about things "we" needed to do for garden next year. He hasn't talked about "us" and anything in the future for a while. I was mulling that around last night while has was at work for 5 hours with OW.
Red, you didn't respond to June's question....where are your limits? What is your back up plan?
Your H does need to respect you before he can desire you and be afraid to lose you! I knew that for myself but just had to wait for the right time to get the nerve to do it. I did choose a condition like if he says he wants to file for D, or if he is still treating me like this by May then I will... and then he did so I followed through. But I planned it out ahead of time!
Maybe today or tomorrow is not the right time for you. But at least come up with a plan and think about what will be the thing that pushes you over the edge to implement the plan!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I've been thinking a lot about boundaries and limits and have been working on Plan B. Nothing set in stone yet, but I do have some requirements and a target date in mind. Just need to get finances and legal in order.
Awesome, Red! The plan is the first step. I sat on mine for about 3 months before doing it!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
WH was just here with two of his grad students to drop off his car. We live right next to campus so he usually walks to work, but he told me this morning he might need to drive somewhere. They drove up, he put car in garage and left without saying anything to me. When he's by himself, he always pops his head in the house to let me know he's back and off to work.
I'm beginning to see a pattern here, where he treats me one way when it's just us, and with showman-like quality rudeness when he's in front of people he works with. Peer pressure because I exposed A at work? Justifying the affair? Now wonder this roller coaster is so wild!
I'm beginning to think both OW AND job have to if we're ever to reconcile. I keep telling him his co-workers won't be around when he's old and sick to take care of him. At his rate, neither will his wife or kids...
Been noticing some very positive changes from WS - he's been spending more time at home, with kids, lots of flirting, etc. "Accidentally" brushed up against me several times in last week. All good.
Then today, when I went to pay the cell phone bill, he'd locked me out of the wireless account. I could make a payment with limited access, but I couldn't see his cell phone activity. When I asked him why, he said "fiscal control." More like, "I'm calling/txting OW and don't want you to know." I was in there last week with no problem, so this was recent. Verizon says he's the account owner and decides my level of access.
I'm totally ticked, because this is how I busted the affair, when I found all the txts. Any suggestions?
Can you guess the pin? What happens when you ask for a reset of password. Sometimes they send a text, or an email. (I was able to change the notifications after I got in). If you do it quick, you can blame it on your initial attempt to get into acct. From now on, I will advise you to stop confronting right away on the spy stuff cuz it makes things harder, later.
Reasons to have access: Do the kids have phones on same bill? Does Verizon have a family locator you can add for them?
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
