WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

Journaling

made it to the gym.
Strength training tonight.
Might help with the anger.

So far so good
I can practice my smiling.

[DumpedforMIL]

Really? Why? Can you think back to a time when the two of you were happy?
You are not going to help yourself by thinking you made a bad choice. Certainly you will crawl all over it. But that's just anger talking and it's not going to help you at this point very much. Being mad only helps you get away most of the time.

yes, i remember why i married him. i remember why i fell in love with him.
i have every birthday card, anniversary card, etc.
but that was all a sham. look at what has become of him.
never in a million years did i think he'd ever hurt me like this.
i was so stupid.

For example, you and your husband had many wonderful times. There was a time when you trusted him, when you enjoyed being around him, when you loved him. You picked him for many of those reasons. You trusted him because he was trustworthy. There were many good qualities that your husband had. That means you didn't make a mistake and you did have some good times. Try to remember that.

i haven't seen that in him in a very long time. it makes you wonder if this is the new him.

the thing i can't get out of my head (besides the unfound infidelity) is the fact that he will always look at me and think that i'm money hungry. that's why i keep shouting at the top of my lungs that i'm not that kind of girl. and the person who matters so much to me, thinks that way of me.
it makes me want to give him everything to prove myself. but it could be his way of making me give everything up. if i give everything up, then i'm stupid.
if i don't, then i'm a gold digger.

But I do see some things that are really good. For example, reminding yourself to get back into exercise. Do it. Don't hesitate. That's also a good way to meet people. People that don't know you or your situation. I encourage you to meet more of those.

the gym was good for me. in a few ways.
1. working my muscles was good.
2. i did met two guys. i didn't get their names but i did talk to two guys. (forrest, i smiled!)
3. i went to a gym further away on purpose. it was like running away but not quite. if i went to a closer gym, i'd be home sooner. and i figure, if i was home sooner, and his car wasn't there, then my mind would go bonkers. in order to change that, i went to a further gym so i'd be home later. as long as i got home later than him, then it would help me keep those negative thoughts at bay. by the time i got home, it was 9:20 pm. i'm really trying to work on fixing that so i don't get on the crazy train again.

in the end, i treated myself to chocolate milk. the sign at the gym said it's a good after workout drink. so i got one.

btw, i really get a kick out of being able to curl more than some of the guys at the gym. for standing bicep curls, i use the 30 lb bar. i've seen some guys use the 20 lb one. too easy.

In fact, the less you say to family and mutual friends, the better. Because when things change, and they will change at some point, those things you said will be barriers to any kind of chance either of you may have had. Trust me on that one - it's true.

i agree with you on this. the thing is, my family is my rock. my mom is trying to keep an open mind. my dad is slowly starting to figure it out. he noticed the drastic weight loss and he said i was really out of it when i was home over the weekend.
if we ever reconciled, i'd have to try and undo the damage i've already done. i mean honestly, he needs a lot of work and i think most would not want to be with someone like my h. he's not easy to be with someone like him. it takes a lot of work. he is more work than marriage.

Focus on being a positive you. It'll take time, but as your view of things begins to change, your sleeping will come back as well. Exercise will help greatly.

i will probably limit my yoga to once or twice a week. i'll spend a few days on strength training.
i take my ipod with me so i focus on my work out.

It's not fair, but it is up to you. When you see that, you will realize it may not be what you asked for, but it can be an even better opportunity than you ever dreamed it could be. Again, for now trust me that's the case. Later you can tell me I was right

all i ask is. please don't encourage me to find someone else or work on myself for the next person because i've already said that i wouldn't do this again.

and yes, i do think i've been 'devalued' after having 'gave' myself away to my h. i wish i had saved myself for the right person. instead, i gave myself to this monster who ended up kicking me to the curb.

[DumpedforMIL]

tell us a joke

don't know any good jokes.

tell us your accomplishment you are most proud of

i applied for a job at a social networking tech company. they had been searching a long time for the right candidate for a team lead role. i went into the interview and i blew them away. they called me and i turned the job down. they called me again - this time they asked me "what would it take to bring you on board?" hmmmm ..

why do you like your job

challenging. i learn different technologies.

why do people come to you to be mentored

for some reason, people trust me with their secrets, fears, and desires.
when people want help from me, i would never turn them away.
i always look out for their best interest and i don't expect anything in return. my advice is free. i'm just honored that someone values my advice.

why do you like squash

i've always enjoyed it. played for years.
i've been improving ever since.

what kind of music do you like

i'll listen to anything from michael buble to chris brown to aerosmith to rascal flatts.

whats the last concert you went to

i think it was a free outdoor concert.
went with a friend on new year's eve. all i remember was that it was really cold.

who would play you in a movie

jackie on that 70s show.

whats your favorite book/movie/song

book: death of a salesman
movie: the hangover (bradley cooper *sigh*)
song: smile by uncle kracker, you can't say by mina (korean song).

what kind of dog would you be

a hot dog.

i hate dogs and dogs hate me.

whats the best part of your personality

i'm like the wild librarian. smart, quiet, conservative yet, what's really behind the glasses and underneath that tweed outfit?

what's your favorite piece of artwork

the "pull my finger" painting on the ceiling of the sistine chapel.

what are you like at a party

pretty quiet. it depends. but i'm pretty quiet in general.

what's your birth order

second out of 4

what's your favorite food

japanese. had chirachi with friends on sunday. i thought i had died and went to heaven. sashimi over rice? can't get any better than that.

[Coach]

I want your help.

What's a good "techie" joke?

Who you going to help today.

Who's your mentor?

One of my favorite bands is called "The Codetalkers" (no Forrest isn't in the band ). Download a song called "saved by the same thing." Let me know what you think.


Why do you like "death of a salesman"?


Dogs are wary around you because they sense your fear. Dogs love people they are pack animals.

You still updating your blog?

Good source of jokes: Old Jews Telling Jokes. Google it.


Cheers

[DumpedforMIL]

I want your help.

what do you need my help for?

What's a good "techie" joke?

i have to think. i don't know any tech jokes either.

Who you going to help today.

friend wants a full time job. asked me for a contact in my department. i passed a name along.

Who's your mentor?

i don't have one. i go to my mom but i'm self-reliant these days.

Why do you like "death of a salesman"?

the book is written like a script with characters and lines. great acting book. the story itself is very good.

Dogs are wary around you because they sense your fear. Dogs love people they are pack animals.

still not a fan. doesn't matter if they are big or small. they all don't like me.

You still updating your blog?

yes. my friends read it and are happy to see that i'm moving on.

Good source of jokes: Old Jews Telling Jokes. Google it.

will do this a little later. i've got to focus on work today. last week was unproductive. i cannot be unproductive for two weeks.

question: i'm looking to take a week of vacation at the end of june. i don't want to be around. where would be a good place to go to get away that won't break the bank?

i inquired about a cruise on the eastern coast. it'd be approximately $1600 for one.

[AJM]

yes, i remember why i married him. i remember why i fell in love with him.
i have every birthday card, anniversary card, etc.
but that was all a sham. look at what has become of him.
never in a million years did i think he'd ever hurt me like this.
i was so stupid.

Stupid? No you weren't and it was not a sham; you can't be fooled that easily. Time to stop thinking like that and really examine yourself. What I'm getting at is this: if you were stupid, then you got what you deserved. But I don't think you were stupid. I think things were different then. They may be again.

he's not easy to be with someone like him.

What? Now? or always?

the thing i can't get out of my head (besides the unfound infidelity) is the fact that he will always look at me and think that i'm money hungry.

Don't let his thoughts get in your head. He doesn't define your worth. You do. Unless and until you figure that out, nobody else will truly see your value either. And if they try to tell you otherwise, it won't be true. You have to see the value before others will.

all i ask is. please don't encourage me to find someone else or work on myself for the next person because i've already said that i wouldn't do this again.

Ok. Deal. Work on yourself for YOU. Nobody else.

and yes, i do think i've been 'devalued' after having 'gave' myself away to my h. i wish i had saved myself for the right person. instead, i gave myself to this monster who ended up kicking me to the curb.

You did save yourself for the right person. That person changed. You may have as well. Try looking at this differently - from the outside. Did you really make a mistake? Are you really that blind? Are you really stupid after all? I don't think so. I think you are in pain. I think you are angry. I think you are confused and have low self-esteem right now. Guess what - that's what you keep saying about him. Easy to see what other people have a problem with but harder to admit our own self. This is not abnormal in this forum.... Check the archives and you'll see lots of the same in the beginnings. It changes. It once was different and will be again. You have to change your perspective and I suggest you start by being more positive even if you do not feel like it. It will take time but you can do it. There are many ways to rebuild your self-esteem, but don't wait to get started. Keep trying various things until you can. You'll be thinking about things for a long time anyway. Think about more positive things in your life. Maybe start with a list of at least 20 things you like about you. Another list of 20 things that are positive in your life right now. Keep those lists. You'll want to come back to them later

AJ

[Coach]

they called me and i turned the job down. they called me again - this time they asked me "what would it take to bring you on board?"

Like that mentality. Get your Mojo back.

for some reason, people trust me with their secrets, fears, and desires.

What is that reason? Why do people feel that way about you?

i've been improving ever since.

How do you improve your game? What do you do?

i learn different technologies.

How do you learn?


Fun and cheap vacation - go camping/hiking

Go on a retreat or a mission.

So when you read Salesman are you visualising the play in your head?

i'm like the wild librarian. smart, quiet, conservative yet, what's really behind the glasses and underneath that tweed outfit?

Think that was in a Van Halen video.


Here is a challenge - next time at a Japanese restaurant see if you can get the sushi chef to crack a smile. It can be done.


Cheers

[Forrest Gump]

"What is that reason? Why do people feel that way about you?"

Because she has not been.. and is not the "Emotional" lead in this R.

[DumpedforMIL]

"What is that reason? Why do people feel that way about you?"

Because she has not been.. and is not the "Emotional" lead in this R.

forrest, pls explain.

what do you mean by emotional lead?

just got back from squash.
i'm icky. need to shower before bed.
met some new people.

can you smell?

[Forrest Gump]

"can you smell?"

Yes.. yes I can.

Are you really icky?

"what do you mean by emotional lead?"

Women tend to lead "emotion" in a R. Men typically follow the "emotion". Even Michelle agrees with that.

Your situation.. not so much.

I suspect he was the "emotional" leader. It is in your words. It is in your reactions. I might even say it is in your "background".

You have impressed upon us that you are happy with you. You are proud of yourself. I don't disagree.

You have a lot to be proud of.

When you got the job.. what made you more happy?

That you got the job..

Or that you got the job at any "cost"?

Remember.. questions.. control the conversation.

They direct where you go next.

How does your answer to my question above.. relate to you and your H?

I don't know.. is not a good answer. And I will call you out on that. Think about it before you peck it out on the keyboard.

Now...