I need to start a new thread, man this one is long!
Anyhow, positives this week. I"m changing, and I saw the effect on my H. It did change the way he related to me.
H tried baiting me all saturday night about - dinner was late, the microwave is broken, I'm not disciplining S enough...on and on and guess what. I didn't bite. I got up and went to my show, told some friends to get support, got it off my chest, went out after the show, and had a good night.
Sunday morning more baiting - going on about how my car is a wreck, it's going to attract police attention, (i have some bumper dents - big deal) etc etc and ... darn it I got sucked in. I said "Please don't criticize my car" which somehow translates to more aggressive attack instead of less. After noticing how H's mean comments were getting increasingly harsh, I finally just stopped. I closed my mouth.
This was a family day at a faire. First half spent receiving silent treatment. Very uncomfortable. SEcond half H perked up and I continued with DB coach's advice to keep it friendly and positive. H claimed he had "not felt well in the morning and felt better after eating lunch." This was the extent of his acknowledgement. I continued to let it go, self soothe, and have the best day I could.
IN the car on the way home, I simply said he had spoken to me harshly. H sometimes can admit this. He was calmer, but instead of admitting it, continued to rationalize that his arguments were "factual statements" and I was getting "upset over nothing."
I let it go.
These were pretty big 180s for me. When H doesn't apologize or shift his attitude, I have a hard time letting it go because it's so painful. BUt I did.
I also would have usually brought it up in MC but on Db coach's advice "we don't have to rehash everything."
Guess who brought up his underlying issue on his own in MC?
He said he'd like to have "better communication" around the house issues, etc. What he was really saying was what was bothering him under the verbal abuse. And with no prodding from me. We were able to talk openly about how in our M there was negative dynamic where I felt scrutinized, criticized, never good enough, and he increased pressure because I would then "ignore" his requests.
We actually dealt with a M issue and he brought it up on his own.
Anyone who has followed me knows I have suffered rage, criticism, etc around the state of the house and car for the past year with great intensity, but it was going on when he lived here too.
So we're supposedly not together, but we're working on M issues!
And guess who also brought up more issues sweet as pie and with gentleness on his own the next night?
And, we sat and talked. Just really talked last night. I was telling him about my anxiety and instead of the "this is more drama and manipulation" I got a few weeks ago, he sat, listened, and even offered some suggestions.
So how is it we are supposedly not together but we are being more open and communicating better little by little? All I know is I'm changing my end of the dynamic and it's showing some progress.
