WAH in MLC with PA

[Mila]

DG ((((((hugs))))))))

Remember that you are still on that stupid rollercoaster, today you are on the bottom, tomorrow it may be the top. Why don't you go through some archives today and read some success stories.

Here is one from yellowrose that she updated today.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1868493#Post1868493

Maybe it will lift your spirits and restore hope.

Thinking of you

[DiamondGirl]

I read the successes... But somehow it doesn't seem like it could work out for me... Despite my gut feelings... Cuz it's H choice whether to come back and try... And he won't if he proceeds too far... I know that about him...

[DiamondGirl]

Now he's emailing that he wants to pick up the kids early on Friday... Not usual for him..

I freakin hate rollercoasters

[courageous wife]

(((DG)))

Last week I was saying the same things as you...that I didn't think my H and I were going to work out...this week I am back to standing...we are on this roller coaster too! Hang in there.

[DiamondGirl]

I don't know how people have lived through years of this ride... Especially those with kids...

I know... I'm whining... But this is the only place I can... My friends don't get it... And they don't like to see me still hurting...

[courageous wife]

I know what you mean DG...at first, all of my friends (the ones that know) and family (except my brother's) were very supportive but now they are all saying to move on...do what is best for me and in a way, that is what we are supposed to do but we are leaving that door open for reconciliation...they don't understand about that.

We dont like to see you hurting either but we all know how it is!

I wonder if it would be harder if we didn't have kids? At least they love us and distract us with the day to day stuff!!! We have to go on and do this for them!

Try and relax and have a good night!

[glamgirl]

DG sorry you are hurting so much. This journey is so awfullly painful. If you have lost hope you have given up the battle.

This all takes time and lots of it. Only God knows what your future holds and anything is possible with God.

Try not to have conversations with family, friends about h etc. They will not understand your stance and will always say move on and try to support you in that way.

You might try the website divorceasfriends. Not the divorce part but gives some really good info on letting go, acceptance, and getting along with your h regardless of your situation.

Find some peace and take care of yourself. You are really all you have right now.

[DiamondGirl]

I'm better today... Thanks to all of you here mostly (and my self talk)...

My closest friend kept telling me to breathe and just let God's plan play out... She still thinks my H is a b-turd (I like it so I'm using it Mila! LOL), but she is willing to go with whatever my heart and gut tells me. She's very empathic and has visions that do actually play out..

I can't believe he got to me again.

I was feeling so detached and calm in the days before. Yesterday I was feeling anxious about being on my own with the kids having never lived on my own before.. so maybe he sensed my insecurity?? Who knows... It stands to reason if I still feel connected to him, deep down he may be still to me?? Not worth the energy to figure it out I guess...

In hindsight I think that I was right with regards to when I include the details of the kids and is nice to him he misses them more. It was only after I emailed him about the upcoming expenses for the kids (not that he's given me any $$ so far but I'm giving him the option nonetheless) and included a few details about daycare changes, etc. that the next day he came back with asking for my L info. He seems to try and push the D issue when things aren't going well for him, when he may be second guessing his decisions, or after he's seen OW. I'm sure she was up for the long weekend... Again.. guessing what a MLCer is thinking is wasted energy I know..

Another interesting thing to note is that I recently hid my marital status on FB (from married to not showing at all), didn't tell my D3 which friend I was seeing on Friday, and suddenly, for the first time since H left, he asked my mom where I was. (She blew it and told him at my gf house..)

Could that have prompted mixed feelings for him?

H can't file for D unless regular child support is being paid according to the L I saw before. The court will not allow one to proceed unless the kids are provided for first.

He had sent me an email back telling me that he is willing to go to a mediator "when I'm ready" and would prefer not to have to go to court.

I sent him one back telling him that in the interim I would appreciate having some financial support for the kids needs that we could document along with the purpose for the money should he choose to. Also casually mentioned that come the fall I would really need the financial help as my mom was moving out and I'd have to pay for before/after school care.

Haven't heard anything back from him after that email...

I'm trying to decide if his seeming to spin a bit after I changed my attitude towards him is a good or bad thing... If my being nice is prompting him to feel something is that a good thing? Leaving him alone didn't seem to do much except make him think I was just waiting... H seems to react to my making changes around the house and to life as we knew it...

Any thoughts on how to proceed? Besides GAL and taking care of me right now of course.. that's number 1...

Should I keep with the nice and cheerful emails once a week or so updating on the kids so he misses them more (my gut says I'm right about him missing them more when he hears about it)?

I pretty much blew the idea that I'm moving on without him since I reacted to his request for L info...

Any suggestions or observations?

(This post was all about him.. next one is all about me..)

[DiamondGirl]

I'm working on my post for me.. but H came to mind again... I think my email to him about the expenses may have made him feel guilty.. especially if he doesn't have the money to help out right now.. knowing his spending habits, that's a definite possibility..

Maybe I shouldn't send the money request ones?

I'm confused at how to communicate with him and about what these days.. *sigh*

[DiamondGirl]

Me now...

Need to work on:

The 24 hour rule... Easy to know, not so easy to do when emotional.. Trying to see how H would read the message etc...

My fear of living on my own with just the kids here...

My fear of the legal stuff happening... H can't get me emotionally with something I've already come to terms with...

My verbal runons about my sitch.... This goes back to chilhood and all or nothing thinking... Tell all or nothing... Need to find the middle ground...