MLC - standing by my man

[AJM]

SA, I think the answer to that, from an outsider is because Mila has been inconsistent. She was talking to him, right? His "memory" hasn't caught up yet. Also, he may not want to believe that. Remember he seems to want the cake and to eat it too. Remember he is also destroying two marriages at once and is somehow justifying it to himself. Is that normal? Is that rational? Should this concept of him wanting something and not getting it be rational either? I think not. In fact, it would be odd if it was rational to me. That would be really...weird don't you think?

But you are right, being dark has an effect. Mila can log that as a successful tactic. Not because his attitude is changing, but because it allows Mila to have distance, gain perspective, and set boundaries. Those are very important to Mila. Mila has to be the person she would want to date and be married to. To do that, she has to figure that out. To do THAT, she may need some distance and time to figure it out. He can't be there while she does that because he will distract and annoy. He's already showing signs of "pulse checking" to see what Mila is doing. He should wonder.

What he does won't have a rational explanation. Not to a rational person and so a rational explanation shouldn't be expected. It would be folly to think otherwise.

Mila, keep some perspective. Your changes have an effect. Can you imagine how scary that is at the same time he is doing this? Not saying you should be sympathetic to his behavior. I'm pointing out perspective for the sake of it. You need perspective.

To that end, how would this situation look from somebody's eyes that don't know either of you? What would they see as the next thing you should do? I can tell you what I've heard and come to know - you can't change him. You can cause him to react when you change, because he has to.. But you cannot change him. Only he can. When he is ready. The question will likely be two parts: 1) will he be ready to change? (I think at some point yes) and 2) will you be there to see and be willing to accept him? The answer of course depends on you as much as it does him - like it always has. For your sake, figure yourself out, Mila. Figure out what you want out of life and what you have to give to a relationship. Figure out who you are and what makes you complete and happy. Just you Mila.

This is a long trip, so pack a lunch. He has a lot of hard work ahead of him. So do you. And it will take time and patience. Much of it. The biggest stressor I've had has been the not knowing. Know what? You can't know. Things will work themselves out how they work themselves out and that will be that. But you will have to be ready to be you, no matter what.

AJ