I found out today that H's gf isn't a professional. She's just OW. Whew! That brings the count down to two, at present. Oh, well. The more the merrier, I guess.
Thanks for the hugs, Julia and Gardener! Lord knows I need as many of those that I can get. I got a ticket today and was all over myself with sobbing and tears and stuff about it.
Below is a post that I wrote to another thread, but wanted to put it here so I can document stuff.
Thanks again...
" ... supposed you would've gone dark, like I did at some point... that didnt' help my ex to miss me ..."
OMG! your words are so consoling, cat, to a person like me who did the same thing you did, and H never came back. Being a LBS who's H has an OW and at least one prostitute who caters to his needs, I felt (and sometimes still do feel) very much like a failure from this marriage.
" ... his mind was in the gutter/OW, nothing and no one was going to convince him of anything else ..."
So nicely and courageously put. Thank you. Your words help people like me whose thread "this train: rolling down a no-come-back track" harldy ever has someone write a long and explanatory note. I'm not complaining, just making an observation. (Lea, please perk up your ears here and listen to what cat says). She speaks with a LOT of wisdom.
"Such is the nature of As... now, there a 50% chance that 6plus months from now the A will go sour ... when the craziness of the secrecy is gone... that happened in my case, but even then, when the crazy OW was gone he still didnt' come back to me, so that's another thing not to hold your breath for."
So true. And in more cases than one. Cat's case is just one in a hundred -- maybe a thousand -- who's situation is just like hers. I know MINE is very similar. I do remember the DB days - my first year of being a LBS, when all I ever prayed for was his A to "go sour" so he would come back to me. Well, guess what? The A never went sour.
My H is going on four years of (I don't even know what to call it anymore) an OW. It certainly isn't a full-fledged affair because he hardly ever sleeps with her (at least not from what can be seen). He helps her with her "business" (I shouldn't even be saying this on here for fear he/or she might be reading my comments) but oh well.
I for one, have always prayed (and still keep praying) for the "the craziness of the secrecy to be gone." I've convinced myself that it will never end and I will NEVER really know the full truth. Four years is almost an eternity, and my divorce just keeps dragging on, probably to his benefit.
But, one thing is for sure. Life continues to move forward, and time keeps passing, so please make good use of it. The older we get, the harder it is to pick up the pieces. You're still young. Hold fast to your dreams and look for the beauty of living a life that is fulfilling before it's too late.
Hey there, what an awful long time for the D to be dragging on! i'm sorry to hear that. And you are worth a lot more than just be someone who's waiting on a man who's dragged you for so many years and has a gf already... let him go totally, don't worry about what's he doing with whom, etc etc...
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
For the benefit of those of you reading my thread, I have copied and pasted the quote, below, from someone named iwondertoo off of another thread in surviving. I felt that her comment was appropriate and important to my thread. And I wanted to be able to refer to it, both in my replies and for my own growth:
"Can I mention one thing that I figured out? Very similar to what Cat said. When a spouse puts us in a situation like many of us have been in-- there isn't anything much we could do to change the situation. And yet we had to make a choice on how to best do what we could to save our marriages. Often and I would say usually they had already made their choices and were using us in one way or another. In my case if I did x I could not retain my dignity and actual sanity as a person as the affair carried on. If I did y I was leaving him to his own devices. I chose y. The hardest decision I ever had to make.
I carried around inconsolable and highly inappropriate guilt for many years. The deal is that some of these people are passive aggressive types. They will not take the decision. They want you to own it and carry the guilt when it was their decision all along. Not right, not fair. It took 2 years for my ex to file for divorce because I would not do it and 2 more for it to be done because he would not do the paperwork. There, I finally said what I was trying to explain. It's not about you. Stay strong and try to be around people who love you during this time. Wonder"
Dear Wonder, Thank you so much for your very strong words of encouragement and explanation of why things are as they are. I relish reading a post from someone who's been through the storm as long ago as you have ... and come out the other side intact.
I don't know. Call my needy. Call me silly if you want, but I look up to the oldtimers. I believe you know more about me than I do -- not literally, of course. And its not that I look up to you so much for definitions of who I am, or what happens in my future, or my past; but more about the scenarios of life after divorce, and maybe even why things happen, or about what leaving someone else says about the WAS.
In fact, I know I crave that knowing...that knowing what walking away says about the WAS. And even more than knowing, I needed to know the tiny little details about why they tried so, so hard to make us think it is/was our fault.
I can remember being devastated, almost insanely so (you can read my earliest posts if you really feel a need) but trust me, I was clearly incoherent. My H had me believing I was the flaw in the marriage, so much so that I had myself convinced it were true. It wasn't until I went to an intervention therapist who works with batterers and their wives, when I found out the my H was the real culprit in the marriage. And then, it was a long hard haul to get to the point where I was just OK with who I am.
Sorry for babbling on your thread, Lea. I think I'll go over to my own thread and splash it on there so I don't lose these thoughts in the mix.
Thanks again, wonder, poet My thread: This train: rolling down a no-come-back track
Poet, I have read through this thread and have a small grip on what has been going on with you but not everything. I am glad my thoughts resonated with you a bit. As I read through your old conversation with other posters it reminded me of me in some ways. Thinking I had done something wrong when I had not, or more importantly taking something personally when it was not meant in that way. If it makes you feel any better, my sitch was as bad as yours, and I was in terrible shape for a long time. I got to the point where I thought being on the street would be fine. I actually bought camping equipment. Stay strong. Wonder
"As I read through your old conversation with other posters it reminded me of me in some ways. Thinking I had done something wrong when I had not, or more importantly taking something personally when it was not meant in that way."
Oh, gees, here we go....bringing up old stuff...
AHhem,
It's not that I "took it personally..." If I remember correctly, (after all, that was over a month ago. Oh wait, I went back to look ... 4/26/2010) I was still smarting from the mediation. You remember that don't you???? It's not a fun process, and my H was mean and uncooperative So, it hurt me badly. (As my atty puts it, he doesn't want to give you anything, so we are going to trial). So, when I come home expecting/hoping for consolances, I get a joke!@%$&****
{Ok, and if you must know, there was another DBer, who I was once really good friends with, (I won't mention her name but she knows who she is) who called my H the night before mediation. She said it was a mistake????!!!!!! And that didn't help}.
Was I angry, or hurt? Well, yeah, maybe I was. 'What' apologized for his "joke" for (lack of a kinder description) and I accepted it, and moved on. Am I allowed to talk out my concerns with another DBer, like What, who I've been cyberfriends with for almost two years? Is it OK for people not familiar with 'our' relationship to jump in and take sides? Well, I guess so. It happens all the time. Am I still upset at 'who knows what'? No!
Am I allowed to have emotions? Are we allowed to discuss our differences on DB, or is it all joking and nicey nice, and never talking about our issues? Am I done ranting? yes, I am. Anyone care to move on with me?
Whew, someone please give me a fan. I think I'm having hot flashes. Anyone on here older than I?
Bye the way, I screwed up Friday night. I went over to my H's and he hurt me (verbally and maybe legally because of it). What an idiot I am. I don't need anybody to tell me so. I already know it.
Divorce sucks! Wish I could add some words of wisdom to what inevitably will be a very sad experience.
Um let's see...this morning I went outside and lopped a bunch of branches off trees in my yard. It was starting to look very overgrown. I like the effect after I'm done because I can see out again. LOL. This morning tho, my time was cut short after one fell into the corner of my eye. Got scared and ran into the house like a bruised bunny.
