I am back...and finding me

[ericmsant2]

As I sit here at work I am feeling a little down so I decided to post some of the things that I am feeling/thinking about.

I have been doing pretty damn good job these last few weeks of detaching and working on myself. I know that I will “make it” and that I will and have become a better person because of this process. As I continue to reflect on the changes that I and God need to make in me I have decided to outline some of the things about me that I have come to realize and would like to change. I welcome any comments.

First off, I now realize the true impact of all the mistakes that I made in my M. I am not having a pity party here nor am I beating myself up with guilt. I am simply acknowledging my role in the failure of my M. and pointing out the things that I know I need to change for ME. My M is truly over (okay the fat lady has not sang yet but the old M is done and over with).

As someone once said to me you need to “feel” the pain that a D causes. You need to feel it so that you can apply those feeling toward the effective changes that need to made in yourself. Those words are so true. I cannot rewrite history nor can I change another person – this I have come to accept. I also understand that every situation is temporary and that each of us has to some level, a degree of control over how we feel and how long we feel it.

So here is what I have realized…

I have some more digging to do but as I mentioned above I really look forward to feedback (Jack, Lost, Bill, Mach, Cat, etc. – sorry for calling you guys out like this).

In general I was not the greatest husband by any stretch of the imagination….

Insecurity - I was a pretty insecure person. I put a fair amount of pressure on W to show me the love that I so desired yet never received as a child – yet I did not always return it.

Action plan: So…I am working to open up. To be who I really am. To allow my feelings to come thru in my interactions with people. To not be afraid to show my insecurities and faults. To trust first and not be on the defensive. To show love and respect to ALL people. To always try to do what is right regardless of outcome. I vow to never wear a mask again! I am who I am.

I had a fair amount of insecurity relating to my level of intelligence.

Action Plan: I will be enrolling in fall classes to finally take the step forward and finish what I started a long time ago.

Control - I was a manipulative control freak – yep. I tried to control all scenarios, with the intent of building myself up and masking my own insecurities and fear. For example, I was good at deflecting blame and coming up with justifications for my actions, which deep down I knew were not always right. I could spend a month justifying my action based on upbringing, etc. The reality is that NOW is the time to deal with these demons. Face them head on and as some would say KILL them once and for all.

Action Plan: I have been in therapy for 8 months and the plan is to continue to go until I feel that these demons of my past have been slain. As part of therapy and these boards, I have finally accepted that I really have no control over another – especially as it relates to relationships. I also have made a decision to always do what is right. I must now pay and accept the consequences of my previous actions. That is not to say that I will lie down and be used as a doormat but what is right is right. It is that simple. I will also pick up a few books on control. Any suggestions?

Family - I spent more time at work, thinking that I could make enough money to “buy” my own happiness and that of my family. I was always working, always making more money and spending more money. Why? Pretty simple I always felt that money would help define me. Would make the problems go away. Would hide the fact that deep down inside, I was scared. Scared that one day someone would leave me, scared that I would fail.

Action plan: I have learned (and FTR I am still learning) to realize that money is not a definition of who I am nor is it a path to TRUE happiness. Happiness comes from within. It comes from God and a peace that He can only provide. So I need to find the true things that make me happy and divert the energy to those efforts. I also need to face the fears and accept that no once, with the exception of God can really promise never to leave. It happens. Dynamics change, life changes it evolves. I will continue to be the best Dad that I can be. The crazy give me kids everything shopping sprees will change.

Selfishness - I was pretty selfish and self centered person. I always thought about my interest and although sometime this is needed – I did take it to the extreme. For a while, everything in the household centered around me and my job “make sure daddy is happy”. It was pretty sad now that I look back on it.

Action Plan: Learn to think of other AND myself. Learn to put the needs of others in front of my needs, while not losing sight of the needs that I may have.

I know that I was not the only one at fault in my M. That I do know but as often as we say it on these boards…our roles are really to work on us, the focus on us and become the people that we want to be.

Okay enough depressive sh*t...time to pick myself up and get to work.

God Bless,
Eric