The help she gets is $35 a hour professional dullas. They are experts in child care. They afford her the freedom to run her errands, make short visits to family and do what she needs to do during the day until I get home. Interestingly, I spoke privately with one of the girls who has been with us since the day after we came home from the hospital with our kids and she said that she is rarely home alone with the kids. My W leaves when the kids take a nap and is usually back before they awake. In other words, she doesn't take full advantage of the help she gets. She doesn't feel right unless she is doing everything.
I have seen her up at 4-5am with one of our kids and when I tell her to go back to bed and let me take care of the kids her first reaction is to say no. She gives me excuses ("oh, it will take me so long to fall back asleep," etc.). She runs herself ragged and leaves no time or energy for us.
I am playing my heart out. Sometimes I just get frustrated by the lack of credit or more often, the lack of acknowledgement. She may snap at me over the smallest things and then quickly snap back as if she never snapped at all. I only occasionally get a goodbye in the AM or a goodnight at night. I sleep in a separate room and I keep my distance after the kids are down.
I bought her a few movies that she wanted to see and instead of watching them with me, she watches them without me.
Little things like that get under my skin because I think I am expecting a little tiny bit of validation for my efforts.
I agree with you that it would be good for her to see a therapist. Did the MC pick up on these depression symptoms? Did he/she suggest that she see an IC or psych?
How was her mood before the children? Was it very different from where she is today?
She has been seeing a psychotherapist since January. I have met with her therapist on my own about 4-5 times and we went one time together. In all honesty, her therapist is a monster. She seems more supportive of my wife's desire to WA than stay and fight. I am not a therapist and I can see the changes in my W and I have felt for many months that she is suffering from depression. Before the kids she was 1000% more compassionate, caring and warm. Now she seems like a defensive snake in her hole. Her caring does come out towards me occassionally (for instance, she cooked me dinner last night), but not nearly like it did a year or so ago.
I can't believe that her therapist hasn't sent her to see an MD who could prescribe something. Perhaps her therapist is one of the types who think her crummy therapy is all the medication she needs.
I really do understand how hurtful her behavior must be.
Last year I was in a highly depressive state and was experiencing so much anxiety I was actually hospitalized and diagnosed with a situational panic disorder. I also have SLE so that made matters worse. What I can tell you is when an individual is in the thick of depression/anxiety it is *very* difficult to accept help.
I can't speak for your W but I really felt like I was nuts. I tried to hide it from everybody and just keep chugging along. I actually planned my days on how I could hide my anxiety.
At the time this seemed like a perfectly good and smart plan. Obviously it was not!
Because your W is in so deep she may not be able to see what you see.
I would suggest that you get her away from that therapist. If you have seen that much of a change since she's been going to the sessions, then that is not a good sign. Let's be honest, some therapist or counselors may say a lot of things to encourage the patient to WA b/c they think you should do whatever will bring you "happiness". Professionals may be educated, but they can be wrong about things, also.
Being 42 is not old, but being a mother of twin two-yr-olds is! OMG! No wonder she's about ready to break. Now I really believe her hormones could be the reason behind a lot of her problems. Just as her body is thinking about facing menopause, she goes and has twins.......now it's in shock and doesn't know what to do.
I think it great that you are able to afford that kind of help with the children. As for her feeling as if she must be the one to do everything......it could go back to what she was handed down from her grandmother and mother. Things stick with a woman like that. Some think that you aren't being a "good mother" if you allow anyone else to do anything. I know.....I've had plenty to tell me that!
I couldn't help but notice how often you brought up about needing her to appreciate what you do, and the need for affection. Those must be your love languages. Do you know what her LL are? If you are not speaking to her in her LL, then it's a problem.
Don't give up. Things are hard, but the kids won't be two forever, and as it's written....."this too shall pass". However, you need to know what to do in the meantime, and you need encouragement. Don't go without posting b/c that is where you'll get a lot of strength, okay? Reach out to others here on the board and ask for help. You'll start to build up a support system soon.
Take care of yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I understand that you are having a difficult time. I tried to go back and read some of your previous threads, but the link was broken. However, I did read that you "changed" to become the "perfect" father and husband. And it sounds like this has been going on for about 3 months. Let me tell you, if your W is anything like mine, you have about another 15 months to go before she really believes the changes. This is not an easy road, children in their 2s test marriages; I can't imagine twins.
What I am going to say is not how to get immediate satisfaction out of your marriage. I am giving advice on how I believe to best save it. For a while, I think you should focus on receiving satisfaction from giving to your W and children and not expecting anything in return.
My W read your posts and her comment was: "There is a lot of 'What about me?' ". gws: any mother of twins in their 2s will have very little left for their Hs. You said that your W was very caring before. She is still that person, but she sees her babies need more caring than you do right now. You are a grown man that can take care of himself. This period will pass. The boys will grow up and start taking care of themselves. And, if you have been by her side as a good loving husband and father during these times, that affection will be focused back on you. Its not easy, but that is the way I see it right now.
My advice, if you want it is to simply ask "How can I help." If she says, "Don't worry. I'm OK." Ask it slightly differently: "I want to help, please let me know how best to do that." If she still refuses find something that you think will help her and do it. Repeat this again the next day. Stay polite and patient. You are right in that she is noticing the changes. And you are probably right that she doesn't believe them right now. She still thinks you are expecting something in return; are you?
Why do you think the therapist is supporting your W's decission to walk? What has she said to make you believe this? Has she suggested a possible diagnosis for your W? Has the conversation of possibly seeing a psychiatrist ever come up between the 2 of you?
SANDI I know what you mean re: my W's therapist. I haven't noticed much change at all -- not that I am monitoring it too intensly. A few months ago when her and I went to her T it was terrible. I was ganged up on and told that my W does not want to reconcile and wants an amicable S and her T proceeded to try and fill my head with ways I will feel secure about this decision and how nothing about our family will change, only that M and D won't be emotionally attached anymore, and that I would have all the access I wanted to see the kids. My W went so far as to suggest we could be like Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. This is when I knew they were BOTH out of their minds.
Since then we have met with my personal MC and I think helped back my W off the ledge and let things play out over time. I thought after my MC suggested it, my W would be open to seeing a "neutral" MC. But, as I wrote, she apparently is not right now.
You absolutely nailed my W in understanding her need to do everything and feeling like a good mother. The problem is when things are not going according to plan, she let's stress totally consume her to the point where she snaps and allows it to take her over.
The one thing you and Tristan both write is the "what about me" issue and the need for credit from me. You are right. I have been trying so hard for so long I think I have reached a point where I am starting to expect something in return. I need to let go of that and not get selfish. My goal from the beginning of all this was to be the best husband and father I could possibly be. I miss my W's affection, so I think that is why I have been getting demanding. I want her back in the worst way that I sometimes lose perspective. As a DB coach told me, it took years for my W to get into this mess, don't expect change to occur overnight. Three months is NOT a long time.
The one thing you and Tristan both write is the "what about me" issue and the need for credit from me. You are right. I have been trying so hard for so long I think I have reached a point where I am starting to expect something in return.
If Sandi, my W, and I all picked up on it over the ether; then I believe it is safe to say your W is picking up on it too. So if we assume this and if I have patched the timeline back together right, she sees the following:
"H didn't change until I told him I am done. Then when he did change, he expected me to just turn around and recipricate. And if I don't he stews. You see, he really hasn't changed; he is still only in it for himself."
At least that is what my W thought about me. Three months is not a long time in these situations. These are complicated situations that take time to work out. I don't know if it will take 18 months for your W to fully believe in your changes. But I do know that you will have to fully believe them before your W does. I learned a lot about myself in the 2 yrs that my M was on the verge of collapse. I enjoy the little things much more now. I am a better person, I am less selfish, and a happier person.
You can not control nor even persuade your W right now. And the more you try, the more she is going to go the other way. Right now, the only person you can change is you. So imagine the person you want to be. Now think what would he do if he were in my situation and then do what he would do.
