I agree with the way Allen has expressed his opinion of all of this. And this kind of sums up what I've tried to say:
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A person can be furuious but still offer up a please and thank you... and over time it DOES sneak into the brain and warm the relationship...
Exactly. Trying to live under the same roof while being respectul.
But, I don't agree with DLS about the way he sees it:
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For me an apology would be a complete recommittal to the marriage. It would show in everything that the WAW does, they would take it seriously and give respect and time.
Then you don't fully understand the deep stuff that the WAW is still going through. Sometimes she says to herself, "Today I decide to end it will OM", the the next day she might be strong enough to say, "Today I decide not to get a D", then the next day she makes another decision. She has a battle raging inside of her and she's trying to do the "right thing" even if her brain and her heart is screaming to do differently. Don't you think that deserves a little bit of credit? That is VERY hard to do when you are despartely unhappy. She is trying to grab ahold of something and pull herself up to where she can say, "Today I decide to live with my H".
sandi2, what I did not explain is I know there is a time factor. It took time for the relationship between WAS and LBS to become undone, it will take piece by piece and step by step to go into the new relationship. There are occasions where the WAS might come "running" home and happy to do it. For example: the affair partner turned out to be a murderer, was doing an investigation on them, was raping them, etc. This is not likely or the norm.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
But, when the LBH is not satisfied with that and he demands or sits back expecting an apology for her sins.......then that attitude comes across to the WAW loud & clear....and it can interfer with her feelings of remorse. Therefore, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face.
I don't think we can expect grovelling. We can expect that someone learned their lesson, and in time wants to make sure that they convey our value to us. It should show up in the priority the WAS places upon us and the marriage.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
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It would be the same as if a good friend of yours got influenced and turned on you putting you in danger, in the end the friend knew they were wrong. If the friend wants to recommit to the friendship, it would show in transparency, his attitude and respect toward you. None of us want anyone to grovel.
I don't agree. The intimate, complex relationship between a H & W cannot be compared to someone who is a friend. You don't live with a friend. You are not physically intimate nor share children (and a ton of other reasons). You can apologize easier to a friend than you can your own S in some cases. (However, if your WAW actually put your life in "danger"....then I could understand you expecting an apology for that!)
I was trying to make an analogy outside of marriage, thats the best I can think of. I was trying to show a strong trust based friendship that ended with a deep betrayal. What is messing me up is how we forget our spouse was our friend. Some of our WAS's did put our lives and livelihoods in danger with their actions. Its why a simple "i'm sorry" is not going to cut it. I explained to my current wife, that when I was more on the "player" side of things, I knew of professional OM's who prey'ed on a situation like ours. They are of course going to pleasure themself with your wife, while gaining knowledge on your maritial situation, assets, relationships, business matters, etc. Also sometimes for fun, they would target the husband and play with his life. So if the husband recieved a random act of violence, got shot, got his car stolen - it was a good chance it was the OM or his cronies. Its why I say its not a joke, and why I say if you want to brings harms way to the OM, do it. You never know what he was going to do to you.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Ah, isn't it great that we can all share our thoughts?
So sandi2, was a former WAW. How would a LBH go about regaining his WAW, in that she has a high interest level, high respect, high passion - all that stuff that probably initially brought them together. All of this and also losing the desire to have affairs, because they really don't want to lose LBH?
