I'd be looking instead for an overall commitment to the reconciliation process, for TRUE no-contact, and for respectful and courteous behavior from her
To be honest, I did not realize just how important an apology from the WAW was until I began reading the post from LBH's. Sadly, I think that is almost the last stage for her.
You see, the WAW blames her H for much of the reason why she did what she did (turning to OM, etc.) so IMHO, she doesn't feel that he deserves an apology from her. Frankly, I was stunned and had some very ugly feelings toward my H when he told me that I had not even apologized to him. I looked over at him setting there and all I could see was a self-righteous do-gooder who had a lot of people fooled. I almost hated him. He never apologized to "me" for the years & years of emotional neglect (amoung a ton of other things) and never admitted he had done anything to contribute to the breakdown of our M.
I remember telling him that I was working to reach the point of being willing "to be willing" and for him not to push it. It was all I could do just to make the decision to drop the EA and no farther contact with OM. The grieving would last for months and my resentment toward my H would continue past the grieving. I had to turn lose of the past and the bitterness I had built. Nothing was going to change the past, but I had no energy to put forth in the MR. That is what my H wanted to see.....me putting a lot of "effort" into working on the M. I thought that was very ironic beings that I had always been the one putting forth that effort.
The "respectful and courteous behavior" is really a milestone for some WAW's and not to be discredited.
The only reason I relate back to my personal stitch is that I wondered if it would help you relate. WAW's have so much in common. I do not condone a WAW in an A, but I understand.
I appreicate Sandi2's willingness to be open and her insight into the mind of the WAW. I am, however; infuriated with this type of thinking. I don't care what has gone on inside a marriage, you don't cheat. If it's really that bad, then get the hell out. The whole WAW's mentality that the marital problems somehow "entitles" her to cheat is disgusting and a sign of someone who is a real low quality human being.. It's not even about your partner, its about having the strength of character to respect and honor yourself. Just my opinion.
