... on April 28th he had a conversation with OW (apparently initiated by her, but with his agreement) about needing space to sort himself out (seems to me like she initiated the talk but he pursued at least at first). He insists that they can be just friends because they've always been friends and she's part of the social group he hangs around with (I clarified that they USED to be friends not ALWAYS been friends as he hasn't seen any of this crowd in almost 20 years).
... on April 29th we had a conversation that very much resembled what I think would look like a 'rock bottom' ... he was very emotional and talked a lot about what he sees when he looks in the mirror and how it is OVER with OW because the relationship with her made him a liar and a cheat (still maintains can be friends). That this was supposed to be an attempt to find himself but now he feels worse than ever. He talked about not being able to let stuff go, and how he was f'd up before he met me. He compared our R to a set of scales and says that everytime we hit a troubled spot the negative side got heavier and the positive side started to evaporate. Talked about no self esteem etc.
... on May 7th H went to a party at a friends place (where OW would be attending - was crashing on friends couch and golfing the next day) but reassured me before he left that I had nothing to worry about that their R was over. Also called me the next morning on the way to golf to touch base and tell me that things were awkward at the party but nothing inappropriate and I had nothing to worry about (very out of character for him). Over that weekend he talks about wanting to be honest and not a liar anymore. He says he's lied for a long time, even about little things, to avoid my reaction to stuff I wouldn't like.
... May 8th I go to my Dad's 60th b'day party and come home with a buzz on. We make out a bit and stop ourselves even though neither really wants to. He sleeps on the couch.
... May 9th (Mothers Day) I wake up when he crawls into beside me and snuggles in. We make out a bit and stop ourselves again (still no real kissing - that stopped around the time he started having feelings for OW). He helps the kids bring me breakfast and then once they are distracted we don't stop ourselves and have sex. Afterwards we both feel bad (him because he can't/won't say I love you - and he assumes me for the same reason - take me 2 days to tell him I was afraid he was thinking about her instead of me, to which he is floored and says No WAY!) I check his phone later in the day - not even sure why - and discover a call to OW - ask him about it and he gets mad 'cause I snooped. He says that at the party on Friday night she was upset because her ex wouldn't give her their daughter on mother's day and he was checking to see if she was ok. I tell him that I am a Mom and understand her being upset, but if they are just friends why hide phone calls? He figured I wouldn't understand. That afternoon I find a Healing Separatin agreement on line and when I go out with guy pal that night I give it to him to read. When I got home that eve we read it together and agree to all of it. It includes emotional and sexual monogamy, no dating, talking about whether or not to continue a sexual relationship, physically separating vs. in house separation and the agreement that we're pushing pause on major decisions to take a time out to work on ourselves before we finalize any major decisons etc. We agree to take it to our MC on the 13th to discuss finer points.
... May 10th he has an appt with his C (typical well meaning but R harming C) and I expect that he will come home to tell me we are formally separating. I decide to be ready and not to fight him on it. I'm ready to agree to sharing the house for the sake of the kids (for the short term) and have figured out my $ and stuff.
... see MC on May 13th and go through agreement, discussion around definition of emotional monogamy (MC also tells him that friendship with OW is high risk and that ending private friendship with her does not mean he has to cut off entire social group and says he should talk about it with his IC where I'm not present and he can speak freely and be very honest with himself and the C, says he is being honest). Decide to talk to the kids on the weekend.
... on May 14th found an email addy I didn't know about and called him on his cell to ask (he was working). He got defensive and said he's had it for a while to use when registering for stuff so he does't have to use his work addy. I said then when you get home can you log in and show me? (remember that at this point he has not recommitted to us, only to working on himself) and he says that won't be necessary (one of his biggest beefs is that he feels controlled and like he's had no privacy or decision making power in his entire adult life). I'm upset and head to McD's with D6 and her cousin to keep busy when phone rings and it's H. He says that he doesn't like the way the conversation went and wants to apologize for his part in it. He didn't want to stew in it all afternoon and he's sorry. He tells me he used the email addy to reply to housing ads when he was looking. H would never had made this call before - WAY out of character.
