I agree with the way Allen has expressed his opinion of all of this. And this kind of sums up what I've tried to say:
Quote:
A person can be furuious but still offer up a please and thank you... and over time it DOES sneak into the brain and warm the relationship...
Exactly. Trying to live under the same roof while being respectul.
But, I don't agree with DLS about the way he sees it:
Quote:
For me an apology would be a complete recommittal to the marriage. It would show in everything that the WAW does, they would take it seriously and give respect and time.
Then you don't fully understand the deep stuff that the WAW is still going through. Sometimes she says to herself, "Today I decide to end it will OM", the the next day she might be strong enough to say, "Today I decide not to get a D", then the next day she makes another decision. She has a battle raging inside of her and she's trying to do the "right thing" even if her brain and her heart is screaming to do differently. Don't you think that deserves a little bit of credit? That is VERY hard to do when you are despartely unhappy. She is trying to grab ahold of something and pull herself up to where she can say, "Today I decide to live with my H".
But, when the LBH is not satisfied with that and he demands or sits back expecting an apology for her sins.......then that attitude comes across to the WAW loud & clear....and it can interfer with her feelings of remorse. Therefore, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Quote:
It would be the same as if a good friend of yours got influenced and turned on you putting you in danger, in the end the friend knew they were wrong. If the friend wants to recommit to the friendship, it would show in transparency, his attitude and respect toward you. None of us want anyone to grovel.
I don't agree. The intimate, complex relationship between a H & W cannot be compared to someone who is a friend. You don't live with a friend. You are not physically intimate nor share children (and a ton of other reasons). You can apologize easier to a friend than you can your own S in some cases. (However, if your WAW actually put your life in "danger"....then I could understand you expecting an apology for that!)
Ah, isn't it great that we can all share our thoughts?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
