If you were around since his birth that means you experienced this 137 times a day.
sometimes i feel like i hear it 200 times a day. i've never heard anyone dote on their grown child to the point where it's like sucking up. it's not genuine.
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What are your solutions? Right now you aren't acting like you want to stay married. Goals that follow your beliefs and values are key to staying focused on what you should be doing. You can handle it.
my goals were to take up tennis and enroll in a baking course. check - on the baking course. no check - on the tennis yet. i need to watch my spending. need to stay more consistent on the yoga and weight training. i actually stopped by the new homes sales office and inquired about purchasing a home. i was advised to wait for the next phase coming out next month. i already know what i want.
prior to meeting h, my life revolved around work. i worked long hours, fit in squash, weight training, and yoga. and all i ever wanted was my own place.
other than that, i need to work on a will and make sure my nieces and nephews are looked after if anything happens to me.
my only regret is that i "gave" myself to my h. i wish i could take that back. i feel used. and it's hard for me to get over it. i don't feel right anymore.
what else do i have to do?
i am discouraged because db-ing is about saving yourself. if you save your marriage, then that's a bonus. if you don't, well tough cookie you'll move on to someone else.
my beliefs and morals doesn't agree with that. it's not my part of my belief system that i move on to someone else.
i truly apologize if it seems if i'm fighting it. my recent setback has me discouraged. like i've been knocked down further on the ladder and i have to climb up again.
i see no light at the end of the tunnel. and i wonder whether i'm just being foolish about saving it.
the legal aspect really bothers me. when money is at stake, i need to protect myself. at the risk of losing my m? that's what it feels like.
i have to protect myself. but it will cost me my chance at saving my marriage.
i don't know what to do.
i can be perfect in every way and his lasting impression of me will be that i took a chunk of his money. that i was a gold digger.
sometimes i feel like i hear it 200 times a day. i've never heard anyone dote on their grown child to the point where it's like sucking up. it's not genuine.
Didn't your husband say one of his issues is that you don't understand the bond between him and his parents? That's the way he feels. Look at how you feel about their bond. I bet it was noticeable.
You say over and over you feel foolish, don't want to look foolish and are worried that you will look like a gold-digger. Why are you worried about what other people think of you? This causes you from expressing what you really want and need. It's a co-dependent trait.
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my beliefs and morals doesn't agree with that. it's not my part of my belief system that i move on to someone else.
So what are you doing to save your marriage?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Did I miss something? You have mentioned it twice now and it seems to be separate from the legal issue.. and something that happened over the weekend. Can you clarify that.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Didn't your husband say one of his issues is that you don't understand the bond between him and his parents? That's the way he feels. Look at how you feel about their bond. I bet it was noticeable.
if i don't understand, then at least explain to me why the bond is so different from everyone else's? communication. is it okay for someone to say, you don't understand and not back it up with something? we have a disconnect. that's fine. so help me understand the bond. that's all i ask. maybe i will understand it a bit better. if he doesn't want to explain it, then i have nothing to go by except for my own interpretation.
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You say over and over you feel foolish, don't want to look foolish and are worried that you will look like a gold-digger. Why are you worried about what other people think of you?
if i don't get my m back, i may lose my own family in the process. they are dead set against reconciliation. they don't understand why a strong person like me has allowed someone like him to have this kind of effect on me. what kind of woman wants to be with a man who clearly has stated he no longer wants you. and is hurting you like this for what? i should just walk away if he no longer loves me.
even i question myself. why do i want to stay? i am looking for a reason beyond love. it has to be about more than that.
the legal stuff is just chipping away at what's left. i was totally honest with my cards. i didn't claim anything i gave him. i understand that it's normal that they would claim a lot more and try and work out something in the middle. but the stuff he claimed belongs to me. why should i now have to fight for what belongs to me? i am not negotiating anything. i did not ask for it. cake eating? uh, not while i'm alive.
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This causes you from expressing what you really want and need.
i want to know the real reason why this is happening. i want a chance to get through to his head how i truly hurt i was. i need him to see that i was never a threat to his family or their relationship. however, i need to know where i stand in with him. i don't want to be a mother to him. i want to be his wife. i don't want to spend my vacation time, holding on to his jacket, cell phone, water bottle, snacks, etc. while he roams freely. i want our vacation to be like our first. when there was no pressure. just us. we did what we wanted, when we wanted, and how we wanted. it was just us. we had so much fun. i didn't think about what my parents would have thought. i want to be lost in good conversation. i want to learn about h. not h's parents. it's not that i don't care but we can worry about the parents later. i want him to want me.
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So what are you doing to save your marriage?
trying to eliminate the anger. not really working. trying to GAL and keep busy without breaking the bank. although, it's really hard but i am trying. i'm giving him space. it's the biggest gift you can give a WAS, right?
Did I miss something? You have mentioned it twice now and it seems to be separate from the legal issue.. and something that happened over the weekend. Can you clarify that.
no, the legal issue really bothered me. i guess because i've been honest throughout. and i just feel like i shouldn't have to negotiate or fight for stuff that belongs to me. i think my lawyer said that they expected it and so we will just negotiate. negotiate?! uh, that stuff belongs to me. there is no negotiating. and that just made me wonder whether i should be switching Ls. if my L is supposed to look out for me, then they shouldn't have even suggested 'negotiating'. it's not an option. just like infidelity. i didn't claim gifts i gave him. so this is pure stupidity. for a lawyer to even allow that to go on a financial statement.
and what in the world did i do to trigger this response? did i bother him? no. did i slash his tires? no. did i scratch his car? no. did i gouge him for more money? uh no. he owes me money and i haven't even asked for it yet.
when i see him do this, it just makes my job harder. time hasn't started healing any wounds. it has made it worse.
my only regret is that i "gave" myself to my h. i wish i could take that back. i feel used. and it's hard for me to get over it. i don't feel right anymore.
Really? Why? Can you think back to a time when the two of you were happy? You are not going to help yourself by thinking you made a bad choice. Certainly you will crawl all over it. But that's just anger talking and it's not going to help you at this point very much. Being mad only helps you get away most of the time. You may want to reconsider the way you view things. For example, you and your husband had many wonderful times. There was a time when you trusted him, when you enjoyed being around him, when you loved him. You picked him for many of those reasons. You trusted him because he was trustworthy. There were many good qualities that your husband had. That means you didn't make a mistake and you did have some good times. Try to remember that.
You don't see a lot of things right now. You are not ready to see many of them. But I do see some things that are really good. For example, reminding yourself to get back into exercise. Do it. Don't hesitate. That's also a good way to meet people. People that don't know you or your situation. I encourage you to meet more of those.
Family and friends. Gotta love 'em. I had to go dark on my family and friends for a while. Why? Because they were not inline with my goals. They saw me hurting - dying a slow death. And they wanted to help alleviate that pain. How do they help? They agree with you and say what a bastard he is etc. That won't help. In fact, the less you say to family and mutual friends, the better. Because when things change, and they will change at some point, those things you said will be barriers to any kind of chance either of you may have had. Trust me on that one - it's true.
Focus on you. Is that really telling you how to get through without going crazy? To some degree yes. But you have to realize there is no "potion" or "recipe" that will cause your husband to fall in love with you again or to "wake up". What I can almost guarantee is that if you stay like this, he will go far and away from you. You'll be the crazy ex-wife which will reinforce the ideas that others have helped him form. Don't be that person. Learn to be you.
People only want what they don't already have. They want things that are neat and shiny. Clean. Fun. Exciting. Full of life. Happy. Are you those things right now? I doubt it. But you can be. Will that guarantee your husband will reconsider? Nope. But it does mean that you'll have a fighting chance. It does mean that you will be a much better person and one that loves herself and is able to stand up for what she believes in. You will get there.
What you did was not a mistake. You must believe that. Because if you don't, then you are flawed in that regard. You are not. That's not what happened here.
Focus on being a positive you. It'll take time, but as your view of things begins to change, your sleeping will come back as well. Exercise will help greatly.
It's not fair, but it is up to you. When you see that, you will realize it may not be what you asked for, but it can be an even better opportunity than you ever dreamed it could be. Again, for now trust me that's the case. Later you can tell me I was right
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
then at least explain to me why the bond is so different from everyone else's?
because it is his. he is not you, you are not him.
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then i have nothing to go by except for my own interpretation.
which is based on your perspective and experiences. that's fine but it's not his interpretation.
detach, look in the fishbowl at the two of you.
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i want to know the real reason why this is happening. i want a chance to get through to his head how i truly hurt i was. i need him to see that i was never a threat to his family or their relationship. however, i need to know where i stand in with him. i don't want to be a mother to him. i want to be his wife. i don't want to spend my vacation time, holding on to his jacket, cell phone, water bottle, snacks, etc. while he roams freely. i want our vacation to be like our first. when there was no pressure. just us. we did what we wanted, when we wanted, and how we wanted. it was just us. we had so much fun. i didn't think about what my parents would have thought. i want to be lost in good conversation. i want to learn about h. not h's parents. it's not that i don't care but we can worry about the parents later. i want him to want me.
those are all great goals. how can you get there?
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trying to eliminate the anger.
first step in reconciling is getting rid of all the negative emotions. "there is no try, do or do not." - Yoda
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i'm giving him space. it's the biggest gift you can give a WAS, right?
IMO it's loving them just the way they are.
the cupcakes ready yet?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Quote: then at least explain to me why the bond is so different from everyone else's?
because it is his. he is not you, you are not him.
that's fine. so when i am close to my parents, i do not wish to hear him say he feels left out. because how is that different from the bond between him and his parents? there isn't a difference. he had the balls to tell me that i had to put him first in our marriage and my parents were secondary. yet, he wants to turn around and say he can put his parents first because their bond is so different from the bond i have with my parents? it doesn't work that way. not with me. if he says i have to put our marriage first, parents second. then he better be doing the same thing. otherwise, i have no respect for him or his words.
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detach, look in the fishbowl at the two of you.
yes, all i saw was someone who said one thing and did another.
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those are all great goals. how can you get there?
those goals aren't attainable. every time i say i want to know what the real reason is, i get told "you may never know". so there goes the first goal.
when i say i want to let him know how truly hurt i was. again, i get asked "and what would the point of that be? he doesn't care."
i need to him to know i was never a threat to his parents or their relationship. but i need to know where i stand. obviously i don't stand anywhere. it isn't my choice where i stand.
i want a chance at being a wife, not a mother. with the impending d and this ridiculous separation agreement, there is no chance in hell that i will get the chance to be a wife. and that pisses me off. i never got a chance to be a real wife. i was a mother who carried his extra clothing, water bottle, cell phone .. while he had his hands free to take pictures. every picture of me shows me grouchy and my hands are full of crap.
i want him to want me? heh. dream on. he just wants mom and dad.
i know i'm very negative about this. because i think i'm just as fogged up. the anger is going to consume me. i can't stop it. i can't seem to put the focus back to me. it sounds so bad but i don't feel there is anything wrong with me. that's why i don't know what i'm supposed to work on. the physical part doesn't need changing - i'm already too thin, i am active, i don't need better clothes (i have nice clothes). personality wise - oh boy. funny, as i was walking in to work today, i kept thinking about my vindictive side and how to tame it.
for some reason, the only way i will see any hope is if his parents die. is there any other alternative?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
