And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[PEI]

Hi all! Sorry it's long ...

I have been lurking around the MLC board for weeks and just now ready to post. My link to my sitch is in my signature and I would love for some of you MLC vets to have a read through ...

I guess first of all, I am looking for some confirmation that this is indeed what I'm dealing with - I'm learning lots from the archives and threads about how all MLCs have basic commonalities but can manifest a little differently - and from where I sit it seems pretty text book. He seems to be both in Replay and the early part of Depression which kind of confuses me.

ILYBNILWY - Jan 21
I did all the text book WRONG things that first night - crying, pleading, begging, etc. I started to 'get it' over the next few days. H feels like he's been managed and controlled for our entire lives and he has lost himself in the process and it's my fault (never mind he didn't want to take care of money or any of that stuff). He eventually revealed that he almost left 6 years ago when our D6 was an infant but he decided to stay and do 'whatever it took' to make it work. He never said anything about the level of dissatistaction he was feeling and proceeded to do what he thought I wanted - change himself and give up pieces of himself to a point where he says he no longer recognizes himself. I offer to give him time and space that he says he needs in-house, we continue to have sex and I try to boost his self esteem with I love you's and emails etc. Find out later this is 'pursuing' and pressure. In late Feb he moves out of our bed to the couch and then in early March decides to spend a few nights a week in his brothers basement. We're successfully hiding it all from the kids, generally getting along and no fighting. He insists he is not in love with me anymore, and does not antipate the return of those feelings. More detailed info in my sitch...

"I think I found a place" - late March 2010
I lose it because I didn't even know he was looking, thought he was going to stay at his brothers 1/2 of the time and on the couch the other half. I book a DB coaching session with Cheryl for the next day. She advises me to validate his needs and if he brings it up again to agree with what he needs to do, anything else will be seen as an attempt to control. She says it's ok to let him know I have some valid fears re $ and that I'm not ready to talk to the kids but acknowledge that the decision is his. I do this when he brings it up March 27th and then let it go. On March 28th he lets me know he's decided to not take it and he's going to go to his sisters instead, we're calling it a 'trial but in-house separation'. We're not talking to the kids yet either. I also notice he has stopped wearing his wedding ring and hanging out with old high school friends (a couple of whom are suddenly single) claiming he misses them and the fun-loving guy he used to be (... before I disapproved of almost everything about him ... yada yada yada).

OW/EA discovered April 24, 2010
April 23, 2010 was the one year anniversary of my 4 yr old neices death and we attended the memorial as a family. Got a sitter that night and went back to my parents to hang with my siblings and be together. Had a few drinks and a few laughs and just generally enjoyed being around each other as a family during a hard time. Walked home, and as soon as the sitter left he was on me like crazy. We had fantastic sex and he stayed in the bed (first time in 2 mos). The next day while he's napping I move his sweater and drop his phone and when I pick it up his outgoing text box is still up on the screen and I see a message from him that says "I miss you, I love you ... can't wait to see you tonight." I was so shocked I didn't even go back through them to check anything. I just called the number from my own cell to confirm who I was talking to and sure enough old highschool friend (who I was also friendly with prior to all this and who left her own marriage in Nov). Maintain my cool, take the highroad and go talk to him instead of tearing her a new one! FYI - this controlled, 'responding instead of reacting' person is a total 180 for me and it's taken months of counselling and introspection to get me here, but this new me is here to stay! Have a very calm but long conversation with H about what I found (he's angry about me seeing his phone but I stay cool and don't take the bait). I validate that I even understand the needs he wasn't getting met in our R and I see how this could happen. I tell him that I am most upset at his insistance on needing time and space only to find out that he hasn't been spending it on self reflection but investing in another relationship. I am upset and feel used because of the sex we've been having and although I knew we were doing it without him being able to say "I love you" I did not know there was another person. He insists their R never got past words and kissing and I believe him (when I ask why he says "because that would be wrong" and I have to use all my will power not to laugh, as if everything he's done so far has been 'right'!!!) to be continued ...