My Husband Just Left Me

[BrownEyes]

What if for now I just move my money? He will still access to joint billing but I dont know if emotionally I am able to do both things right now. I understand what everyone is saying and agree that you are right but I dont think I can handle it.

This could be a start? So...back to the original?

Good morning WAH, I have decided to deposit my paycheck into a separate account. I will have $xxxx transfer every two weeks into the joint account to cover joint bills. Thanks for understanding.
anned

[CityGirl]

I understand you feel you can't handle all of this but really, you can. One thing at a time. Don't base any decision on anger or fear. If you try and change your mindset to being able to handle anything you will get to a better place.

I think there is a better way to word the message you need to send your H about the finances but you have been provided with several examples already.

[newmama]

Anned, at this point, I think it is best for you to now think about something else for the WHOLE DAY- when you take a break from worrying about a serious issue, it allows your brain to reboot and then you will be able to choose the right email version.

Also I completely relate to the desperation you are feeling. SOmething I have learned on these boards though is that the WAS moves a lot slower than we think they will!

[Ready2Change]

New email??
"Good morning WAH, I have decided to deposit my paycheck into a separate account. I will have $xxxx transfer every two weeks into the joint account to cover joint bills. I will take over paying the bills using the joint billing account. Please continue to deposit $250 per week into the account so I can continue to pay our bills. Thanks for understanding.
anned

I like your version. I changed 1 word. The email above covers what you want to do. It expresses what you expect from him -- To cover his part of the bills.

KISS- Keep it simple....

1 account for your money
1 account for joint bills

I strongly suggest to really think about where YOUR responsibility ends and his begins. It makes these things easier.....

HUGS

[Ready2Change]

This works also:

Good morning WAH, I have decided to deposit my paycheck into a separate account. I will have $xxxx transfer every two weeks into the joint account to cover joint bills. Thanks for understanding. Best regards anned

The point is to protect YOUR money while continuing being RESPONSIBLE...If HE shows IRRESPONSIBLE behavior with the JOINT money after this, then worry about it THEN....

HUGS

[BrownEyes]

I think I am going to take newmama's advice and just try to focus on something else for today. It is going to be hard but I don't think I'm thinking clearly enough to be able to make any of these decisions and I don't want to regret anything later that I say or do.

I am desperate. I mean he is walking out on 10 years but luckily, I'm not sure that I've completely displayed that to him. I haven't contacted him AT ALL in anyway and when he came over to talk on Sunday I let him lead the discussion, let him know where I stood and said I thought he would resolve it but I would go on without him. Inside, I just wanted to break down and run to him and have him hold me but I didn't do it.

For all he knows, I'm sipping on a margarita right now.

Baby steps, right?

I think I've also said in previous posts that his behavior has made everything very confusing. Four days before he left he wrote a beautiful birthday card to me about hope proud he was to call me his "wife, love and friend". He told me he loved me everyday, he was affectionate (not sexually, but hugs/kisses). It's just so sad that it's gotten to this point that he can't see that we can work it out. He has let his past resentments eat him up and I think he is just convinced that he can't love me like he used to. I believe he must have some sort of emotions left for me or, maybe I'm just dellusional.

[Ready2Change]

I think there is a better way to word the message you need to send your H about the finances but you have been provided with several examples already.

There is always better. Just don't get hung up on it.....

Two actions you are taking :
Changing where YOUR MONEY GOES
informing H.

Remember these words: DO NOT LET FEAR CONTROL YOU.

Read the boundaries thread. See WHAT WORKED FOR ME.....

[CityGirl]

I agree. Don't let this issue consume you. Review the facts and remove the emotion from it. Finances are numbers. Numbers are numbers and they don't have to be scary.

Knowing when to take a step back and regroup is crucial. It sounds like today is a good day for you to regroup and then you can revisit the e-mail tomorrow.

[Ready2Change]

I think I am going to take newmama's advice and just try to focus on something else for today. It is going to be hard but I don't think I'm thinking clearly enough to be able to make any of these decisions and I don't want to regret anything later that I say or do.

Good advise....Do something for you...Do something you enjoy....Do something that makes YOU happy.....Massage, peticure, manicure, running, walking, a movie, go have coffee with a good friend....

I haven't contacted him AT ALL in anyway and when he came over to talk on Sunday I let him lead the discussion, let him know where I stood and said I thought he would resolve it but I would go on without him. Inside, I just wanted to break down and run to him and have him hold me but I didn't do it. For all he knows, I'm sipping on a margarita right now.

PERFECT!

Baby steps, right?

Do what works. WATCH HIM CLOSE FOR THE BABY STEPS. Set your goals and start moving toward them WITHOUT HIM.....Let him catch up on his timeline....

HUGS

[BeingMe]

This is all so new to you, so it is understandable that you find yourself panicking, fearful, second-guessing yourself, etc. We have all been there, and then some. I don't know your situation about children (if you were trying to have, or couldn't or whatever --- this can be a sensitive issue) but, it's one time in your life that you can be glad you don't have to put any through this.

So, go sip a margarita, have your hair done, etc. (what everyone else said). The bills aren't due now I am sure, so give him the benefit of the doubt of getting the money back into the account. If he doesn't, then you can start doing something about it. If you had children, I would've done something more immediate, but since there aren't, I would wait and see what happens. Give it until the end of the month.

There is a possibility of an OW because, generally, men don't leave unless there is one waiting in the wings. But, it seems it may all be about addiction to a new, destructive lifestyle. If he is living at his mom's, I am sure she will eventually find out what's going on. Until then, best to not involve family or friends.

Practice "letting go". As others have said, you cannot control anything or anybody except yourself. You can try and influence, but at this point, I doubt he would listen to anything you have to say. He left, "made up his mind", and trying to convince him of the error of his ways, is a waste of time now. If he could get to the point of leaving, he could also find his way back. So, step aside, give him his space, while protecting yourself financially as much as possible, work on yourself and your issues, giving yourself the space to do so.

Notice all the "you's"? Take this time to look inside (and outside) and work on those things you feel you need to. Find time to exercise, eat healthily, meditate to clear your mind, pray to connect to your spirit (if you believe in a Heavenly Father), hang out with friends and family to have fun.

Sorry so long --- take care.