Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Thanks GM. I did take a look at it. It does provide some help. I'm also reading His Needs Her Needs. I skipped ahead and read the chapter on financial support. I definitely understand the importance of financial security to W. That's why I'm taking steps, like finishing my degree, to make sure that I can always be able to financially support myself and my W if she comes back.

I'm also reading 5 Languages of Apology. It's a good book and explains how to apologize for the specific things. I've also read here that many Ws want the H to apologize for the specific issues. The book talks about expressing regret "I am sorry", accepting responsibility "I was wrong", making restitution "what can I do to make it right?", genuinely repenting "I'll try not to do that again", and requesting forgiveness "will you please forgive me?" I would love to write my W (I already have just haven't sent it) to tell her I am sorry for specific issues. Would it make a difference? I don't know. I don't want to just tell her, I'm sorry." I don't think a general "I'm sorry" is enough. I want to be very specific to show that I do recognize these things, express my regret and let her know I'm working to become a better man and H. Like I said, I would love to send it to her but I feel like it's too pursuing at this point. I don't know though, would a woman want to hear this from her H at this point? Would it mean anything to her? I think if the apology letter stuck with just the apology and wasn't pursuing, it might be ok? Sigh, I don't know...

[mza8]

I emailed my W back yesterday afternoon. I told her that I have done a lot of thinking and I have decided that I will be moving back to the house with the dogs. I said that this is what is best for me. I did not give her an exact date but told her it would be soon. That's all I said about that subject.

I also set a boundary that I want to be copied on all emails she sends to our agent regarding our house so that I am kept in the loop. I said that I would do the same. I said that I was dissapointed with the agent so far as she has not done what she promised. I said that we will need to reevaluate her performance at the end of this contract to decide whether or not to renew or go with another agent. I told W that I would like her to take the lead with agent and have the agent contact her when we have a showing and with the feedback.

I said that I have a lot of things going on right now and don't have the time to be the contact for agent. I was tempted to tell her that one of the reasons for me being busy was my going back to college. I didn't tell her that because I just thought it sounded too much like I'm trying to tell her about my changes. I don't feel like I need to tell her about my changes...I am showing her by my actions. I told W that I would like the agent to update us at least once a week. I told W to keep me informed when showings are scheduled and with the feedback.

I told W that I have been mowing the lawn each week and other house chores and that I would like her to vacuum the house once in a while while it is vacant. The floors need it from people walking through to look at the house. I also told her that I continue to remain in contact with the bank about the house and taking care of that end of things. I said that I had not been telling her of this to keep the stress off of her but I feel like she should know. I finished by saying that I am done running from things.

No response yet from W. It felt good to finally say and do what I want. I felt like it was time. I saw no progress from sitting around and waiting. I feel like it's time for me to be proactive and take action for me. Stop doing what doesn't work and start doing what does work, right? Clearly the other way was not working.

[CityGirl]

VERY GOOD!

Yes, what you were doing was not working and I am so proud of you that you are doing what is best for you!

Taking action FOR you is all you can do!

[mza8]

Thanks CityGirl. It felt good.

I went to the gym later in the evening last night and W was there with her friend. I noticed she looked over at me as I was walking in. She now knows that I renewed my membership without her.

[CityGirl]

Keep using all this good momentum in a positive way!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I feel like it's time for me to be proactive and take action for me

You are almost there my friend.

I felt it when I took action to call meeting with W.

mza8, I can honestly say I am a happier person today than I was well....ever.

I know my M is over, just need to take care of the paper work.
I am totally fine. I am so glad I came here, it has helped my through a painful time in my life.

Keep working for you and either way you WILL be OK.

Keep your fight alive. NO regrets.
gr8

[gr8 day 2B alive]

She now knows that I renewed my membership without her

could be a test. and you passed.

[mza8]

Thanks Gr8. Yes, maybe it was a test. Either way I'm glad to be able to go the gym for me. W was there again last night. Man, I try to go late in the evening when she's usually gone but she's been there late the last two nights. Last night she was with her sister. I kept to myself. I noticed W looking in my direction a few times. One of those trying not to look in my direction but looking if you know what I mean. I noticed they were talking a lot and not working out very much. I did my workout and left before she did.

I am getting there, this I know for sure. Right now I need to focus on my job and the house. I'm having lunch with a friend today. He was separated from his W for two years. He is trying to hook me up with a better job than I have now. I hope I get it. It would help me to keep my house without W.

Today is W and I 20 year anniversary of our first date, being together. I'm not doing anything for W today. No flowers, no card, no texting, nothing. I talked to a friend of mine yesterday who knows the sitch. She told me NOT to do anything for W today. She said W will probably wonder why I didn't do anything today for our anniversary. She thought I was getting stronger and thought this was good. She thinks there's still hope but I need to take the strong and silent approach. She said that she thinks my W probably asks about me when she runs into mutual friends. I would be suprised by this.

Still no reply email from W from my email on Monday about me moving back into the house and my other comments (real estate agent, helping with housework, etc.).

[gr8 day 2B alive]

She told me NOT to do anything for W today

100% true. Don't do anything!!!!

Don't worry about the time between emails, it's irrelevant.

Do your thing.

[idontunderstand]

I am getting there, this I know for sure.

That's the PMA that we need.

I have been following along and it sounds like you're getting to a better place. You are right to go back to your home.

As we hear all the time, you need to stand up to your W and not be afraid of her reaction. She's basically gone already. So what if she doesn't like what you have decided. You have abided by her decisions all this time and she didn't care what you thought. Do what is in your best interest. If she were to come back, she will admire your strength even though it might piss her off in the short term.

I recently walked the plank, so to speak, with my W and told her what was unacceptable to me. It is scary. It is hard. But, she has agreed to go to MC after adamantly refusing for months. That, in and of itself, doesn't mean a thing unless she is going for the right reasons, but it's a start. After being stuck in neutral all this time, it's better than remaining in limbo.

I know I'm far from out of the woods. The point is, all the vets are right. We will remain stuck until we decide enough is enough and take the reigns from her and put ourselves back in control of the sitch.

Take the leap of faith and show her the strong mza8 that won't put up with her BS any longer.

You deserve better and she knows it.

Good luck.