I decided to join after reading many posts here because I feel that my situation is somewhat different than most threads.
My wife, who is 15 years younger than me, recently told me that she no longer loves me and wants to leave me, but is afraid that she may be making a huge mistake so won't call it quits right away. We have two young children and own a home together.
She stated that she had lost interest for some time, but she broke the news after a traumatic family death where she fell into a serious bout of depression. She has since sought help and is on medication, as well as counseling.
I believe that her depression may be a factor of several things at the same time: an MLC, an unfulfilling relationship, too much responsibility, inexperience in relationships etc. I am a big part of it because I met her when she was young and inexperienced, and have taken care of her for the last ten years. She has never been in another relationship. She has never made any decisions on her own and has never set or achieved any goals as an individual.
Our marriage has had ups and downs. We have had good times, but there has been a lot of resentment and anger on both sides as well. She turned hers into herself, I showed mine outwardly. Most of the anger stemmed from my expecting more responsibility from her than she was able to give. That snowballed when she withdrew and cooperated even less, making me even angrier. The anger started to get physical (pushing/shoving) until one day I broke and decided that I was never going to have a meaningful relationship with her. I began to withdraw. I became complacent with things the way they were. Things were like that for a year and a half until the death changed everything.
After the announcement, she was staying at home and still sleeping in our bed. The intimacy was gone long ago but I began to realize how much I loved her and became desperate. Since then, I have made every mistake in the book: Pushing her for sex, talking to her family and friends, following her around, spying on her, begging her to take me back, buying gifts, forcing her to talk about us, etc. It doesn’t help that we work in the same company together, and commute together. Now I have pushed her so far away that she is staying at her mom and sister’s house.
Right now there is very little communication, which makes it hard, especially since we are sharing the kids. Her mom is acting as a liason between us, and feels horrible about what is going on. Her sister and I do not get along, and unfortunately has been her confidant, and therefore pretty much hates me (she has told me to move on!)
She has not separated until now (I feel this is mostly my fault.) Initially there was another young man trying to woo her but I put a stop to it. I don’t completely trust her as I have been cheated on before and have my own insecurities to deal with. That lack of trust hasn’t helped the situation and caused me to spy, beat up another guy, and smother her.
I have read many threads on this site and am hopeful that our marriage can be saved. I am posting here to have a place where I can vent anonymously and get advice. I believe the 180 approach is a sound one and am going to try and pursue it. It will be tough because my heart is completely broken. She is a good person and I don’t want to lose her. Also, the idea of breaking up our family cause’s revulsion in me that I cannot describe. I actually threw up a few times thinking about it. Thank you in advance for your support.
