I decided to join after reading many posts here because I feel that my situation is somewhat different than most threads.
My wife, who is 15 years younger than me, recently told me that she no longer loves me and wants to leave me, but is afraid that she may be making a huge mistake so won't call it quits right away. We have two young children and own a home together.
She stated that she had lost interest for some time, but she broke the news after a traumatic family death where she fell into a serious bout of depression. She has since sought help and is on medication, as well as counseling.
I believe that her depression may be a factor of several things at the same time: an MLC, an unfulfilling relationship, too much responsibility, inexperience in relationships etc. I am a big part of it because I met her when she was young and inexperienced, and have taken care of her for the last ten years. She has never been in another relationship. She has never made any decisions on her own and has never set or achieved any goals as an individual.
Our marriage has had ups and downs. We have had good times, but there has been a lot of resentment and anger on both sides as well. She turned hers into herself, I showed mine outwardly. Most of the anger stemmed from my expecting more responsibility from her than she was able to give. That snowballed when she withdrew and cooperated even less, making me even angrier. The anger started to get physical (pushing/shoving) until one day I broke and decided that I was never going to have a meaningful relationship with her. I began to withdraw. I became complacent with things the way they were. Things were like that for a year and a half until the death changed everything.
After the announcement, she was staying at home and still sleeping in our bed. The intimacy was gone long ago but I began to realize how much I loved her and became desperate. Since then, I have made every mistake in the book: Pushing her for sex, talking to her family and friends, following her around, spying on her, begging her to take me back, buying gifts, forcing her to talk about us, etc. It doesn’t help that we work in the same company together, and commute together. Now I have pushed her so far away that she is staying at her mom and sister’s house.
Right now there is very little communication, which makes it hard, especially since we are sharing the kids. Her mom is acting as a liason between us, and feels horrible about what is going on. Her sister and I do not get along, and unfortunately has been her confidant, and therefore pretty much hates me (she has told me to move on!)
She has not separated until now (I feel this is mostly my fault.) Initially there was another young man trying to woo her but I put a stop to it. I don’t completely trust her as I have been cheated on before and have my own insecurities to deal with. That lack of trust hasn’t helped the situation and caused me to spy, beat up another guy, and smother her.
I have read many threads on this site and am hopeful that our marriage can be saved. I am posting here to have a place where I can vent anonymously and get advice. I believe the 180 approach is a sound one and am going to try and pursue it. It will be tough because my heart is completely broken. She is a good person and I don’t want to lose her. Also, the idea of breaking up our family cause’s revulsion in me that I cannot describe. I actually threw up a few times thinking about it. Thank you in advance for your support.
I decided to join after reading many posts here because I feel that my situation is somewhat different than most threads.
My wife, who is 15 years younger than me, recently told me that she no longer loves me and wants to leave me, but is afraid that she may be making a huge mistake so won't call it quits right away. We have two young children and own a home together.
She stated that she had lost interest for some time, but she broke the news after a traumatic family death where she fell into a serious bout of depression. She has since sought help and is on medication, as well as counseling.
I believe that her depression may be a factor of several things at the same time: an MLC, an unfulfilling relationship, too much responsibility, inexperience in relationships etc. I am a big part of it because I met her when she was young and inexperienced, and have taken care of her for the last ten years. She has never been in another relationship. She has never made any decisions on her own and has never set or achieved any goals as an individual.
Sounds good. And if she never leaves she won't be missing anything. If she gets out there for real, she is going to go "girls gone wild". Thats what they do. The world is going to look amazing for her. So brace yourself. You know you can't tell her not to do it. What you may do is do some exciting things together with her it may keep her from having to do the affairs part.
Originally Posted By: Ton Of Bricks
Our marriage has had ups and downs. We have had good times, but there has been a lot of resentment and anger on both sides as well. She turned hers into herself, I showed mine outwardly. Most of the anger stemmed from my expecting more responsibility from her than she was able to give. That snowballed when she withdrew and cooperated even less, making me even angrier. The anger started to get physical (pushing/shoving) until one day I broke and decided that I was never going to have a meaningful relationship with her. I began to withdraw. I became complacent with things the way they were. Things were like that for a year and a half until the death changed everything.
After the announcement, she was staying at home and still sleeping in our bed. The intimacy was gone long ago but I began to realize how much I loved her and became desperate. Since then, I have made every mistake in the book: Pushing her for sex, talking to her family and friends, following her around, spying on her, begging her to take me back, buying gifts, forcing her to talk about us, etc. It doesn’t help that we work in the same company together, and commute together. Now I have pushed her so far away that she is staying at her mom and sister’s house.
Originally Posted By: Ton Of Bricks
Right now there is very little communication, which makes it hard, especially since we are sharing the kids. Her mom is acting as a liason between us, and feels horrible about what is going on. Her sister and I do not get along, and unfortunately has been her confidant, and therefore pretty much hates me (she has told me to move on!)
For you this is that "snake" that represents the devil. The one who is wedging in between your relationship. The hard part of this is you can't explain it to the wife. You can simply make sure if she gets out with you that you have meaningful interactions.
Originally Posted By: Ton Of Bricks
She has not separated until now (I feel this is mostly my fault.) Initially there was another young man trying to woo her but I put a stop to it. I don’t completely trust her as I have been cheated on before and have my own insecurities to deal with. That lack of trust hasn’t helped the situation and caused me to spy, beat up another guy, and smother her.
Most men would love to beat the OM and any representation of him. How did it feel for you? Did it change the way you relate to your wife?
Originally Posted By: Ton Of Bricks
I have read many threads on this site and am hopeful that our marriage can be saved. I am posting here to have a place where I can vent anonymously and get advice. I believe the 180 approach is a sound one and am going to try and pursue it. It will be tough because my heart is completely broken. She is a good person and I don’t want to lose her. Also, the idea of breaking up our family cause’s revulsion in me that I cannot describe. I actually threw up a few times thinking about it. Thank you in advance for your support.
Your at a better place than most of us. I love how you view the concept of family. Thats whats going to hold you in there, family. I'd focus on doing things which will help increase her involvement and pride in her family. There are alot of examples on this website, but your situation is not as far out of control like the rest of us.
Sounds good. And if she never leaves she won't be missing anything. If she gets out there for real, she is going to go "girls gone wild". Thats what they do. The world is going to look amazing for her. So brace yourself. You know you can't tell her not to do it. What you may do is do some exciting things together with her it may keep her from having to do the affairs part.
She is pretty reserved and while she wants to have fun, I am not sure she is looking to go wild as much as she may be looking to explore other relationships to find out what else may be out there. At least she is having the foresight to realize that she may be making a mistake, but I fear she is lost to me and I will end up in a power struggle over the children. I guess I fear a lot right now. I believe that she has to get over her depression before she can even address "us", which makes it a long road indeed.
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
For you this is that "snake" that represents the devil. The one who is wedging in between your relationship. The hard part of this is you can't explain it to the wife. You can simplymake sure if she gets out with you that you have meaningful interactions .
I've been dealing with her sister for quite some time. They are VERY close, and her sister is not a model citizen. She has some strange views on life, and I see my wife adopting some of her mentality already. Her sister has taken over her mother's home because the mother cannot defend herself. They live in poverty and have no goals to improve themselves. I HATE that our children stay there because it's a very unhealthy environment, and there are very little boundaries set for the kids. They come back to me and I become the bad guy who enforces all of the rules. It's not fair. My wife has never been a strong mother and now because of depression, I see her attentivity has lessened a great deal. The mother steps up to help, but cannot do it all because she is not in good health. I am ok with things right now but fear things getting bad...
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Most men would love to beat the OM and any representation of him. How did it feel for you? Did it change the way you relate to your wife?
It felt great. I was validated by several members of her family and friends who know the guy and describe him as someone who would try to worm his way in. She is mixed about it. At first she kept talking to him via texting (HATE THAT CRAP) but after I made it a point to push the respect factor I believe she has since backed off but can't be sure. She left her phone lying around the other day and I checked it when she wasn't looking and all of her messages were cleared. She has always been honest with me so I don't want to assume the worst, but again, I have trust issues.
Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Your at a better place than most of us. I love how you view the concept of family. Thats whats going to hold you in there, family. I'd focus on doing things which will help increase her involvement and pride in her family. There are alot of examples on this website, but your situation is not as far out of control like the rest of us.
I talked to her today. She is bringing our daughter home. I can't wait to talk to her and act cool. She has always been kind of a slob and i am a neat freak. I know that she appreciates me for it. I have been myself and have cleaned the house better than normal ( I have more time on my hands lately.) Hopefully I will let her "unload" some of her depression on me and i will just listen. Wish me luck.
I just hit him once after telling him I knew what he was doing. Busted his tooth through his cheek. He didn't put up a fight. He knew I knew. I saw it in his eyes.
I'm not sure how she felt toward me about it. He was a long time friend and she continued to talk to him afterward which reduced my trust in her even more. I gather from friends that she wasn't really interested but liked the attention.
It certainly felt good to me. I also received validation from several of our friends who think he is a sleaze. However, it did complicate things more between us.
May I ask some questions to fill in some gaps? What are your ages? You said you had been cheated on, was it your W who cheated that time? And, what family member passed away that affected her so much?
You said your W was inexperienced in R's, but did she date before the two of you were M? Could you explain about you "taking care of her" for ten years.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am 39 and she is 27. We have been together since she was sixteen. I met her right after her dad died. He was a very strong force in her life and didn't let her even talk to guys that he didn't approve of. She has never recovered and is still angry at God every day for his death. She is a very angry person, but also private so she bottles everything inside. I believe that's why she snapped when her nephew died. She told me today that she has never made her own decisions and just went with the flow because when her dad died she became afraid of everything. It took her a long time just to get a license.
Her anger did not help our relationship. She withdrew from me almost instantly when our relationship began to have problems. When I met her, her mother was in severe depression, dealing with alcoholism and hopelessness. She basically gave her daughter to me because she couldn't take care of her. I did. I feel as if our relationship is hopeless. She feels as if I stole her childhood from her. If she can't forgive God, how is she ever going to forgive me?
My ex-wife cheated on me, but I've come to realize lately during conversations with my wife, that my insecurities are the least of my problem.
So if she was "given" to you to keep b/c her mother could not take care of her, did she have any say in the matter? Did you immediately start living with her as man & wife?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She went to live with me willingly. We had a good life at first. We did not get married until after our first child was born.
We talked today. It was ugly. She states that she cannot forgive me for "taking advantage" of her when she was vulnerable. She has a LOT of anger. She is a totally different person now. She took the kids with her to her mom's house. Actually, her sister took them. I am distraught. i am torn between not wanting to make things more difficult between us and protecting myself from what I see coming, a fight for custody of the children.
