My Husband Just Left Me

[BrownEyes]

I underestand... I think I can start doing that but I think I should let WH know about it through email?

Good morning WAH,
I have decided to deposit my paycheck into a separate account. I will have $xxxx transfer every two weeks into ajoint account to cover joint bills. I am currently moving the joint account now and I will take over paying the bills. I am unable to enable your destructive behavior anymore. Please continue to deposit $250 per week into the account so I can continue to pay our debt. Thanks for understanding.

[CityGirl]

Don't make this a bigger issue than it needs to be. You will drive yourself crazy if you do.

You don't need to explain why you are doing something. Inform and do it. IMO the e-mail is too wordy.

H: I have decided to deposit my paycheck into a separate acct and take over the payment of the bills. I am in the process of streamlining my accts. I will deposit xxxx bi-weekly to cover joint bills. Please continue to deposit 250.00 per wk. for debt repayments.

That is all you need to say. IMO the "thanks for understanding" says you feel he won't understand and it makes you sound fearful. You don't need to smooth over his ruffled feathers (if he has any) for protecting yourself financially.

[DiamondGirl]

I'm not the best at tone.. but I wouldn't word it that way. It sounds angry and argumentative (though you have every right to feel that way)...

And if you tell him ahead of time, he may just beat you to the punch and take what's in the account out or try and thwart your efforts in some way. (mine tried to take out my son's disability payment before I could transfer it.. I got there first though and transfered it to my personal account..)

I would just go ahead and make the calls etc, and then let him know after the fact that you have chosen to take more responsibility in paying the bills and that in order to keep them up to date XX amount is required to be in the joint account by xx date each month for his portion.

(word it something like that...)

[BrownEyes]

OK - got it! I'm still not sure I'm ready to do it. I need to give myself a few days to think about it.

What about my post about contacting his parents or therapist? What is everyone's thoughts about that.

I could even ask him mom to meet for lunch. He is their only child - he had 3 brothers that died and I almost feel like she has a right to know or something about what he is doing with his life.

[CityGirl]

I firmly believe involving family is not the way to go.

I don't see how HIS therapist can talk to you.

You cannot control this and his mom/therapist really can't help you win back control.

The person who cares least about the R controls it. Think about it.. over the course of a few days you have contacted a DB Coach, pondered about meeting with Michelle, asked about having your H watch a DVD... all signs you are looking for control.

Control you... your actions and reactions. It is all you can do.

[BrownEyes]

Ok, ok that makes sense. Yes, I have a VERY difficult time with control.

But I still feel like he needs help. Aside from the seperation, etc. He is being self destructive and it's painful for me to see that.

When he originally started seeing his therapist - the therapist met with me for an hour, then my WH, then both of us. So, he knows who I am and he said in the beginning I could contact him with questions, etc. I have not seen him since then - my WH was just seeing him individually.

[CityGirl]

It is very painful to watch somebody we love self destruct. Unless he comes to you for help/support there is nothing you can or should do. He has chosen to be on his own at this time. All you can do is protect yourself.

If control is an issue for you this is the PERFECT time to really focus on eliminating your need to control.

[BrownEyes]

OK. Yes, control is a huge issue for me. I get it - I'm slowly getting it.

I'm still having trouble grappling with moving money in the accounts. I underestand what everyone is saying and I think they are right but I just need to make it right in my mind. He only left on Saturday so I almost feel like I need to give myself a few more days to process.

Part of my other issue is that I'm hanging onto what the DB coach said. Granted, the issue of the money hadn't happened when I talked to her.

[CityGirl]

It is always best to think about something for 24 hours or so to be sure you are not reacting on emotion. I do caution you though about money and how quickly it can be drained so process what you need to but don't lag on this if possible.

If you feel that strongly about following the guidance from your DB coach why not make another appt. so you can give him/her all the updated information. Honestly, I think the opinions of the coaching sessions are pretty mixed around here. I am ALL for getting advice/guidance/counsel but if anybody is advising you not to move money when money is being spent in a reckless way I would question that advice.

IMO you are clinging to the advice your DB coach gave you as it is the softer stance (easier) and it is more along the lines of what you want to hear.

[DiamondGirl]

He only left on Saturday so I almost feel like I need to give myself a few more days to process.

This is one of the first lessons to learn in all of this. Do not make decisions when your emotions are high unless it is a life/death kind of thing (which most things aren't). Give it a day or more for actions (including contacting H). Most times after you've calmed down and processed things you'll decide against contacting H.

Financially, yes, you need to protect yourself. Are there bills that are due immediately? If not, give yourself the few days to prepare yourself for what you need to do.

Breathe. Eat. Sleep. Breathe again.

Right now you are spinning (reeling as it were)...We've all been there at some point (and revisited on occasion)... Concentrate on you and take things minute by minute.

Only you can decide this because you know your H best, and your H is pretty young for it, but could there be a mid-life transition in the works? It doesn't always happen in the 30s or older...

If you read some of the posts in the Midlife Crisis area you may be able to determine if that's the case (if it truly sounds like your H). The only reason I mention it is because you said it seemed he suddenly changed in the last few years..

From what I understand the basic foundation is the same in dealing with either WAS or MLCer with the exception of some of the interactions...

I agree about an OW being a possibility though...Just because he didn't have longer term R with women before, doesn't mean he hasn't found one now (sorry to say )