Cause for alarm?

[OfficerInNeed]

OK here it goes....

This morning I spoke with OMW just to make sure we are on the same page. OMW asked me if my W said anything to me about a supervisor talking to her about the situation. I told OMW that W has not said anything to me.

According to OMW a sup. is going to talk to my W. This sup told OMW that she can guarantee that my W will not talk to OM anymore, that is if she wants to keep her job. I asked what about OM going up to my W? OMW said that OM will just make himself look like a damn fool and he will then get disciplined.

Also acording to OMW my W is telling female frined from work that OMW is talking about her. Now female friend from work and OMW get along also female friend from work and OM best friend are involved. SO now this is causing issues between them two. They all now think my W is doing this on purpose to make them all miserable like her.

There is a little more that OMW said but I want to get into our day.
=============

W and I were getting ready to head out. W went into the bathroom to try on a pair of pants. The door opened so I thought that it was cool for me to get in there now and that she was coming out. As I walked into the bathroom W was actually in the middle of changing pants and she closed the door in my face. I nearly said something but walked away, upset but I walked outside in the backyard to cool off.

After a few min I went back into the house, W was done in the bathroom and so I headed in. W was down stairs and yelled up

- "When you come down can you grab the ring and bring it with you"

- I said "Sure what ring you want? the heart shaped ruby one?"

- W said "Does not matter, anyone"

I instantly thought to myself if I should bring the wedding ring down to her.

Now, the wedding rings have sat in a cup in the bathroom for months now, so I eventually moved them into a box and put them in her bottom drawer, I don't think she knows they are there. My W has been wearing this ruby ring she bought herself a couple months back on her ring finger, only in the past few days has she not worn it at all.

I decided not to take the wedding ring to her and just brought down the ruby ring.

We eventually left and headed for the zoo. We had a pretty good time there. There were times where I had the urge to hold her hand or say a few things that may be considered pursuit but I held back. There were times where W seemed distant but I did not let it spoil our time. W actually fooled with me a little bit. She has a water bottle that also had a mist spray on it, and she jokingly sprayed me in the face a few times (for which it is intended and feels good in the hot sun). We had a good time and eventually left and decided to get something to eat.

We first went and visited my grandfather's burial site then went and got our food, on the way home stopped at a store.

While driving a song came on the radio and W looked like she was in a daze, my only thought was "she is thinking about OM" so I turned the station.

W talked about purchasing something and I told her to go ahead and do so. W said "no that is bike money" My W has wanted to get a bike for a little bit now. W swung by a bank cashed her check and went to a couple stores to look at bikes. W found the bike she wanted and asked if I was going to get one too. W ended up buying us both a bike so we could go bike riding....

Some where between store to store W talked about us buying a boat and spoke a lot of future tense words. W said she wanted to get her motorcycle permit and I told her that is something I would be interested in as well, W then said "Me and you can barrow my fathers bikes and go riding"

We got home, unloaded the bikes and went for a bike ride. We ended up at a park where we, like little kids, went on the swings. W started to talk to me about how her father use to take her to the park and go on the swings (I took her to the same park when we first started to date and pushed her on the same swings as her father did).

W talked about trips to Florida and the amusement parks (where we went on our honeymoon btw). W said "When we go back we are going to epcot and going on that ride" What she meant was on our honeymoon we waited 45 min in line for a ride that I chickened out on just before getting on and we left. Later that night I said "I wantto go on that ride" W was so upset. I said to W "if we ever went back you have more word, we will go on that ride" Then W started to talk about going to the grand canyon with her father when he goes but did not use "WE" but "I" and I said nothing about it.

We then road our bikes back home. We were out in the backyard. My nephew was back there and I asked him a question and he said "hmmm" in response. I said to my W "does that not bother you?" W shakes her head yes, then I said "The majority of the time I ask you a question or say something to you, I get the same response" W said "Do I do that?
and I said "yes"

W were walking in the house and I said something to my W and she said "hmmm" then I said "Are you being serious?" W said "What?" I said "I take that as disrespect" W then replied "Its not disrespect, you just need to speak up"...I admit ever since our sitch began i became more soft spoken but at the same time W does this even when she does hear me but I just left it at that.

We sat down and ate watched a little TV and here I am.

===========

Today was OK. Sometimes I feel so tempted to say or do something that might be too much too soon.

W still very "shy" around me or maybe just does not want me to see her anything other than fully cloth. This does bother me as I feel we'll never be intimate again. I don't expect for it to happen over night and I do understand that I have many other hurdles to jump before we reach that one.

W did give me the "hmm" "ummm hmmm"'s today but not as many as usual

There were times where I actually touched W hand , because there was a indent of some sort, so I asked what it was as I touched it and she allowed the touch not pulling away like she usually would or had in the past.

Also I gave W compliments about what she was wearing looking great....I really want to let her know how beautiful I think she is without pursuing.
I am sure I am leaving some things out but that is the bulk of it.

[MrBond]

IMHO,

She does what she does with you and to you because it's "safe". It's obvious she's still addicted to the OM. Think about it in terms of an alcoholic, when confronted by others about their problem, they'll swear they've changed, make grand gestures and "show" that they've changed. But under the covers you'll find a bottle hidden.

That's how she's acting right now. While they are good, they aren't anything until she actually APOLOGIZES to you. She hasn't shown remorse so it will come up again. That's almost a guarantee from what I've seen on the boards.

Right now you're the back-up plan. If something or someone else comes along, in her state of mind right now, you're going to get dropped and left holding the bag again.

Be cautious and act like YOUR life is good. That YOU could live with or without her. That YOU would like her in your life and activities, but if she chooses not to, it's no big deal.

[Allen A]

OIN I think that was a pretty good day.

You made some excellent judgement calls there... Selected the right ring, walked away when she closed the door on you, etc

All masterful choices.. this IS what DBing IS supposed to be about... In my opinion.

Lots of positives there OIN.

You MAY want to prepare a response when she gets talked to by the Sup... I smell another blow up coming...

You KNOW to stay OUT of it this time RIGHT?

When she's upset just STAY BACK, do NOT try to HELP.. she will just take it OUT on YOU and YOU will LOSE YOUR TEMPER and blast her right back...

Just STAY AWAY.

I think its way too soon to expect an apology from your wife... that takes MONTHS before that happens...

Good work OIN... Prepare for the next blow up from work...

You did a great job attacking that affair... Its a big ugly mess now that she seems to want to AVOID, or at least OM wants to avoid... that's exactly what exposure is about...

Excellent work

[OfficerInNeed]

Mr. Bond, I follow what you are saying. That thought has crossed my mind, that is why I am trying not to get too attached to the way the past few days have gone.

I am just trying to make the most of them and fill that void.

I honestly think and feel like my W will never apologize because in her mind she has done nothing wrong. She does not knwo that I or anyone knows what I do...She would first have to tell the truth then apologize for it. I don't think she will reveal the truth because she will be afraid of the reaction (assuming she wanted to reconcile).

Only time will tell.

As for the potential blow up on the horizon...I think she will be in a terrible mood and mope around enticing me to ask what is wrong, then she will say it. Either way what sort of response do I give?

[MrBond]

Personally I wouldn't give her any response. Whatever you say to her at that point is going to blow up in your face. You've seen it time and time again. She finds a way to twist it and make it like it's your fault or brings up how bad you were.

Don't poke the hornet's nest if you don't want to be stung.

Let her go through what she needs to on her own. Be there for support, but don't enable her behavior.

[Lotus]

I honestly think and feel like my W will never apologize because in her mind she has done nothing wrong. She does not knwo that I or anyone knows what I do...She would first have to tell the truth then apologize for it.

I don't see how either she or you can think that you don't know that she has been chasing after some guy at work. Hello? They have called you up 3 times and told you what was going on. Meanwhile she has been telling you she plans to move out. Surely, you can put 1 and 1 together and figure out that she is looking for a new husband. And if you can figure it out, you should have a discussion about it. Because it is the stuff you sweep under the rug and pretend doesn't exist that destroys the marriage. You don't need any more info than what came into your house and asked to speak to you.

Why wait for an apology? Demand one. She is playing her baby games, swinging on the swing and pretending she's some kind of ten year old virgin. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? To life in a sexless marriage while your wife fantasizes about other men?

Life is long. The next time she brings up how to fix up the house, I recommend telling her that after she moves out you'll get a new wife. And the new wife will have ideas for the house. No point in changing the house now when she is fixing to move out!

[sandi2]

I think its way too soon to expect an apology from your wife... that takes MONTHS before that happens...

Yep.....months. Even after deciding to stay in the M, she has to get through all her "stages" and the apology seems to be far down on the list.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I wouldn't be looking for an apology, or more broadly even remorse or contrition. As the best infidelity research points out, more than half the time, this never comes.

I'd be looking instead for an overall commitment to the reconciliation process, for TRUE no-contact, and for respectful and courteous behavior from her (the "no worse than you would treat a stranger" standard mentioned above).

Puppy

[DaddyLongShanks]

I wouldn't be looking for an apology, or more broadly even remorse or contrition. As the best infidelity research points out, more than half the time, this never comes.

I'd be looking instead for an overall commitment to the reconciliation process, for TRUE no-contact, and for respectful and courteous behavior from her (the "no worse than you would treat a stranger" standard mentioned above).

Puppy

The sad truth is we LBS are treated worse than a stranger.

[sandi2]

I'd be looking instead for an overall commitment to the reconciliation process, for TRUE no-contact, and for respectful and courteous behavior from her

To be honest, I did not realize just how important an apology from the WAW was until I began reading the post from LBH's. Sadly, I think that is almost the last stage for her.

You see, the WAW blames her H for much of the reason why she did what she did (turning to OM, etc.) so IMHO, she doesn't feel that he deserves an apology from her. Frankly, I was stunned and had some very ugly feelings toward my H when he told me that I had not even apologized to him. I looked over at him setting there and all I could see was a self-righteous do-gooder who had a lot of people fooled. I almost hated him. He never apologized to "me" for the years & years of emotional neglect (amoung a ton of other things) and never admitted he had done anything to contribute to the breakdown of our M.

I remember telling him that I was working to reach the point of being willing "to be willing" and for him not to push it. It was all I could do just to make the decision to drop the EA and no farther contact with OM. The grieving would last for months and my resentment toward my H would continue past the grieving. I had to turn lose of the past and the bitterness I had built. Nothing was going to change the past, but I had no energy to put forth in the MR. That is what my H wanted to see.....me putting a lot of "effort" into working on the M. I thought that was very ironic beings that I had always been the one putting forth that effort.

The "respectful and courteous behavior" is really a milestone for some WAW's and not to be discredited.

The only reason I relate back to my personal stitch is that I wondered if it would help you relate. WAW's have so much in common. I do not condone a WAW in an A, but I understand.