WAH and LBW separated and dark

[Forrest Gump]

Is it morning yet?

Busy day.. seems it doesn't matter much.. it was quite around "here".

Anyway...

"This got missed I think. Being brutally honest with you and with him is how I read that. Be honest. Not mean or vindictive. But honest. Not for a "goal" but for the sake of being honest. You have nothing to lose on that front. Being honest will always be the right thing to do even when painful at the moment."

Yes.. spot on.

"And remember that you have to work on you before you can work on anything else. Really. And you're worth it!"

And you don't know.. how many people come here and argue the point. Every poster "here" that "made it" will tell you.. that is exactly what "saved" them.

"history makes it really hard."

No.. just a tiny bit. It makes it hard right now because of all the "Emotion" you are throwing at it. I know this sounds harsh but it is your mind.. and what you are thinking about that keeps this cycle going. He is not in the picture. He has moved out. You are interrupting based on your past inferences. This legal process is a completely separate thing. You ALWAYS ask for more than you expect to get. It is like buying a car. They over price it with the full intention of coming to you. The last thing you want to do is show up in a court room acting like you are now. Why do you think the dress up the murderer's and "bad people".

"yes, i can be. i won't deny that."

As much as you feel it will help you.. I assure you it will have the opposite effect. This you need to change. It has no place in DB'ing.

"i'm sure it will cycle."

Again.. stop the cycling. It's hard.. find something that will do it. This is priority #1 after sleeping and eating.

"his digging is showing his stupidity."

Stupid is as Stupid does?

"i mean, i don't want to be a doormat. and go 'ok, you can have all that stuff back."

This I agree with. I hope to never have my advice put you into that position. Firm.. Smart.. Solid choices. You get that from me.. cause I am not "stuck" where you are. I can give a fresh perspective. You do with it what you want. "This" is where I function best. I have been here once or twice before. <-- little sarcasm there.

"can you expand on why thinking about your GAL activity made your hands hurt?"

The thing that worked for me was hitting softballs as the batting cage. I am not a "sporty" guy. When all this was happening to me they had just opened a sports park close to where I live. I found that I really got a kick out of just "killing" the slow moving softballs with the shortest bat I could find. I got really good at it. I could place that ball anywhere I wanted to. Hit the poles.. the throwing machine.. the flag on top of the pitching area.. whatever. The short bat really transfers a lot of energy back to your hands. Needless to say after a couple of hours of this.. all you could possibly think about was your hands. I financed that place I think. At the very least they owe me some free games.

"and i thought when you GAL, you're supposed to act as if you are not hurting at all. why did you let your pain show on your face?"

Well.. the GAL activity should.. when you find the right thing.. show you are not hurting at all. The reason is because it takes your mind out of the situation. I have used the "drive by slapping" analogy before. Imagine yourself walking with your friends having a good time. You are chatting and laughing and just having a fantastic time. I walk up and slap you right across the face... and take off running never to be seen again. For the next few.. mins/hours all you are gonna be able to think about is me slapping you. With my actions.. I changed your thought process. The idea behind that.. is what a GAL activity should do to you when you find yourself confronted with a "bad" situation. It should take your mind off of what is going on. Kinda like a Twix break. It gives you a chance to recenter and think.. about what to do next. I know it seems like a negative thing.. but it does not have to be. Some people run until they fall down. Some people plant flowers. Whatever it is the goal is when you think about it.. it is really hard to think about anything else. By doing that.. it allows you to react with "No Emotion".

Anyway.. I am gonna take a break.

As Coach pointed out there are some things you need to work on.

This is the stuff you need to absorb.. and understand.

All of us posting here can't be wrong. And when you really look at it.. we are all saying the exact same thing. The message won't change.. even if you fight it. It has worked.. for people that were in much worse places then you are. You just have to choose.

Hope you had a good day.

Sleep.. eat well.

And Always...

[DumpedforMIL]

short reply ..

"Caucasian".. define that. I mean you. You just threw that at me. Not that it really matters. You defined he is white. What are you?

asian.

It's because you don't understand what drives you. You are looking for a reason to make it easier to walk away. Put it behind you. Blame him. This has the distinct smell of a Physical LL. For you.

yes, i am looking for a reason to walk away.
i think i said my ll was quality time and physical touch. they are almost equal.

[DumpedforMIL]

So you say that your H has only come to you and apologized one time?

This is one of those little idiocyndracies that he'd have to have a new person figure out.

yup. only one apology. ever.
this makes me feel better. but the feeling is short lived. why? see below.

Don't think he would sleep with someone to "hurt" you--You have given it a go too (in your head). You were wanting to escape the pain. He may think it would have that affect as well. He has GOT to be lonely if there is no one else. Only his parents supporting him? How old is he??? It's got to be humiliating.

are you suggesting that he has sought out a one-night-stand/booty call/random stranger?

he's 40.
if he's lonely and sought the services of someone else.
then i'm out.
no thanks.
i don't need a used car that's been taken on a joy ride, stripped of parts, and left on the side of the road on cinder blocks.

[DumpedforMIL]

The in-laws didn't have as much impact as you might think. Some. The OW. There was one, kind of. Most of it was in his imagination. She tried very hard to make it work. Really. She's a great lady and didn't deserve what he gave her. In the end, he moved out. Pursued the other woman. She gave him a choice. He took the other woman.

sigh.
this is not helping me. OW, huh?
yeah, h would take the OW too.

It isn't fair what he is doing. His lies. His trying to cause pain. His pettiness. It just isn't fair. But it is an opportunity for you when you are ready to see it.

sometimes i just want to wait until the elevator opens, when he walks out and just line up the crosshairs with his forehead...

And remember that you have to work on you before you can work on anything else. Really. And you're worth it!

i ended my weekend on a low note.
not sure if i'm worth it.
but i'm going to try and keep things under control.

[DumpedforMIL]

but coach, i'm not guessing or inferring.
those are facts.
i've witnessed the millions of times his mother has said that he was right.
i've never heard her say that he was wrong or that he was off by a bit.
it was always "you're right. you're so smart. you just know everything. you were the best child. you were the most well behaved. you would never hurt a fly. you did the best in your class."
argh!!!!! it's called enmeshment. not necessarily codependency.

if he wasn't pissed off at me about the money that he thinks i'm taking from him, would he be hurting me or would he just want to walk away?
me thinks he'd just walk away.

[LauraOh]

I'd be more inclined to think he *may* have OW in his sites than a one-night stand. He thinks you are hating him (yes) and mad at him (yes again) and doesn't see any reason to think differently.(you haven't given him one yet)

But even IF there is an OW, what sort of person gets involved with a clearly depressed, not-yet-divorced guy? Nothing of merit.

I don't know why, I thought you two were a bit younger--but still--humiliating.

And alone with his thoughts, even though mom says he is "perfect", I bet he doesn't believe her. Sure, it's nice to hear, but being perfect isn't what gets you into marriage problems.

His thoughts are not as clear-cut as you make them. Or he is a psychopath and you haven't described him to everyone here correctly.

Which is it? a guy with a clear, calculated plan to do you in?

Or a basically decent person that has made some extremely unfortunate (ok, bad) choices lately?

[DumpedforMIL]

Busy day.. seems it doesn't matter much.. it was quite around "here".

drove home today.
didn't want to come back.
spent a lot of time with friends, instead of family.
went out with a good friend (male, married).
he did a great job of keeping the conversation about non-r stuff.
he even switched topics when i started going off on a tangent.
next day, i spent the day shopping with a friend (female, married).
she needed a stylist and called me up.
she said i had a good sense of style.
i turned her into a "monster" now. she can't stop thinking about the $209 pair of jeans i made her try on. ;-)
the time spent with family was tense.

"This got missed I think. Being brutally honest with you and with him is how I read that. Be honest. Not mean or vindictive. But honest. Not for a "goal" but for the sake of being honest. You have nothing to lose on that front. Being honest will always be the right thing to do even when painful at the moment."

Yes.. spot on.

i don't know how to be honest without being vindictive.
at least, not now.

And you don't know.. how many people come here and argue the point. Every poster "here" that "made it" will tell you.. that is exactly what "saved" them.

so db-ing is really about saving one from the grip of depression.

No.. just a tiny bit. It makes it hard right now because of all the "Emotion" you are throwing at it. I know this sounds harsh but it is your mind.. and what you are thinking about that keeps this cycle going. He is not in the picture. He has moved out. You are interrupting based on your past inferences. This legal process is a completely separate thing. You ALWAYS ask for more than you expect to get.

my mind is feeding me what i know about my h.
what i've seen, what i've heard.
my L didn't tell me to inflate my financial statement like that.
any gifts i gave him, i didn't claim because the law says a gift is a gift. also what you brought into the marriage is yours. so wtf? should i be switching lawyers?

This I agree with. I hope to never have my advice put you into that position. Firm.. Smart.. Solid choices. You get that from me.. cause I am not "stuck" where you are. I can give a fresh perspective. You do with it what you want. "This" is where I function best. I have been here once or twice before. <-- little sarcasm there.

this is where i'm frustrated.
i am doing it to set boundaries.
i will not tolerate him making up rules to suit his needs.
he is not an exception to the rule. the law doesn't look at how "unfair" he may think it is. it is there to protect both sides from taking an unfair share.
isn't HE the caucasian one? oh wait, i had a better command of the English language though. :P

Whatever it is the goal is when you think about it.. it is really hard to think about anything else. By doing that.. it allows you to react with "No Emotion".

i'm going to keep this in mind.
i think when i was talking to my friend (male, married), i really did forget about my sitch.
it was nice to not have to unconsciously not think about it.
and when i told my friend that it was what i needed.
he said that was his goal. to get me to stop thinking about it. he brought out the fun side of me again.

All of us posting here can't be wrong. And when you really look at it.. we are all saying the exact same thing. The message won't change.. even if you fight it. It has worked.. for people that were in much worse places then you are. You just have to choose.

the part that i'm fighting and resisting is that i refuse to db if it means saving me from the grip of depression, to help me get back on my feet in order to move on to a new life and leave my m behind.

sometimes i don't know if the advice is steering me towards reconciliation or to a life in solitude.

i don't want to hear how someone was in the same sitch as me and moved on to a great life without their h. people can have worst sitchs but their h's aren't controlled by an evil force that won't die called 'mom & dad'. their h's aren't involved in enmeshed relationships that is practically cult-like. trying pulling my h away from the grip of mommy and daddy.

my guess is. one day i will get it. and by then, i will be d-ed and i'll have no choice but to move on. i think deep down, i don't believe it can be saved. i can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. work or no work. it's futile. there is no light. there is no hope.

it's a slow and painful death that i am afraid to face but i know i have to. i am appreciative that everyone sees hope. because i just see a black bottomless pit.

gonna try and get some sleep.
i haven't slept well in the last week.
and i don't have much of an appetite but i made myself cook for distraction.
i have a lot on my mind.
i need a vacation - somewhere i can run away to.

[DumpedforMIL]

But even IF there is an OW, what sort of person gets involved with a clearly depressed, not-yet-divorced guy? Nothing of merit.

poor judgement is no excuse to get involved with another person.
if he makes that choice, then she can have him. they can both be the gum i scrape off the bottom of my shoe.

I don't know why, I thought you two were a bit younger--but still--humiliating.

thanks, lauraoh! that did make me feel better.
i look a lot younger than i am.

And alone with his thoughts, even though mom says he is "perfect", I bet he doesn't believe her. Sure, it's nice to hear, but being perfect isn't what gets you into marriage problems.

i know coach and forrest are going to "ah hem" me for this but he does believe her when she says he's just the perfect child. just perfect in every way. he may have asked for the d, but it's all because this horrible w of his. when he is with his w, he just looks terrible. just terrible! and when he's home with mommy and daddy, he's happy and just perfect. it's such a tragedy but he's doing it to save himself from this evil w of his. he truly is. he would never hurt anyone. it's her who's hurting him. she's not a good person. she's mean and his mom is terrified of her. she's just a terrorist.

sorry .. where was i going with that?

His thoughts are not as clear-cut as you make them. Or he is a psychopath and you haven't described him to everyone here correctly.

mental issues run in their family so i'm inclined to choose the psychopath option.
every single person has some kind of mental issue that hasn't been addressed. it's funny. they are all aware of each other's issues except for the person who owns the issue. and nobody is willing to bring it up.
everyone knows the mother has a enmeshment issues and general anxiety disorder yet they just put up with it. it causes problems but everyone just sweeps it under the carpet.
sister was popping valium or some anti-depressant medication for years. did anyone follow up with her? no. and she just got worse. but why was she taking them to begin with? i dunno.

Which is it? a guy with a clear, calculated plan to do you in?

Or a basically decent person that has made some extremely unfortunate (ok, bad) choices lately?

i'm not sure any more.
i used to think that he was a decent guy who made a bad choice.
but i'm beginning to think he's got a calculated plan.
there was a plan to get me out of the house so he can claim the entire house for himself.
there are way too many clues.

why would a guy make one bad choice after another? it's not coincidence. it's because it's been calculated and discussed with his parents.

he feared that i would take him for all he's worth. and so that's why they are going on the offensive.
high powered lawyer.
bring mom in to take everything. also strength in numbers.
my house key went missing.
the contents of his financial statement is just another part of their plan. gifts given to me, are suddenly not mine? why are only some things on and some aren't? are we making up our own rules again?

i need a break. otherwise, i'm just going to go crazy.

[LauraOh]

Get some rest!!

You can hash out psycho vs idiot in the a.m.lol.

[Coach]

but coach, i'm not guessing or inferring.
those are facts.
i've witnessed the millions of times his mother has said that he was right.

So if he is 40 and you witnessed this millions (I'll use 2 million) of times. If you were around since his birth that means you experienced this 137 times a day.

You are catastrophising things here - you are thinking way too negative, permanent and global. Plus you are spending way too much time thinking about what he is thinking = wasted energy.

What are your solutions? Right now you aren't acting like you want to stay married. Goals that follow your beliefs and values are key to staying focused on what you should be doing. You can handle it.